Two of them! This pair is helping organise GameHorizon, which is some sort of worthy development conference we can't be bothered to read the press release about.

'Conference Director' and 'Business Development Manager' - AKA not really in games

Borderline. Hard to say with any certainty. But if we absolutely had to decide and express the answer in binary, this would be a 01 - if only because 1 looks like it'd put up less of a struggle so we'd be out of there sooner.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/12/2008 01:34:00 PM 5 comments

SONY GOT SOME WOMEN IN FOR GT5

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Seeing as Sony's best game of 2008 is a demo of something that won't be out until 2009, it pulled out all the stops and hired a few ladies to stand beside cars in a practise we though died out in the early 1980s.

We have waited this long to feature the photos not out of laziness, but to avoid raising awareness of the game during its launch period.

The last thing we want to do is fall into some Sony-sponsored PR trap.

Remember - £25 for a demo is NOT a good use of your money.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/12/2008 11:31:00 AM 6 comments

DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE: A SHOWER SCREEN

It's the exciting semi-regular new feature DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE! Have you seen one? If so, take a photo and send it in. No one will think you're weird, not even when you're taking photos in the bathrooms section of B&Q.

"While being dragged around B&Q by the Girlfriend I came across a shower that made the trip worth while... well, almost worthwhile."

"Behold the Dreamcast Shower! Wash Away that dirty Sony feeling!"

"The price was quite reasonable too, especially when you consider that while doing a Rocky Push-up in the shower you can be hypnotised by the magical swirl - Midgetcorrupter."

Rocky Push-up? Is that what the kids call wanking nowadays? Or is it a type of sex?

Labels: DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/09/2008 11:29:00 AM 7 comments

REVIEW: GRAND THEFT AUTO IV, FOR NINTENTO XBOX 360

Local newspaper in GLARING FACTUAL INACCURACIES shocker. At least they didn't call it the Nintento PlayStation3.

'5/5 - Drogheda Afternoon Observer'

This is what happens when women in their early 60s in small villages proof read the pages before they're sent to press. Spotted by "Mark" who is still alive and well, but doesn't send any regards.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/08/2008 10:23:00 AM 8 comments

EBAY FIND OF THE DAY: SONIC MOUNTAIN QUEST

Reader "JMB" correctly worked out that all you have to do to "get on" UKR is put "SEGA" into eBay then click through the pages long enough until something from before 1998 comes up. Here's what came up for JMB.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

It's a Sonic Mountain Quest Cheap Plastic Christmas Present!

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

Buy it, put it in the loft. Then your grandchildren can callously bin it when they're clearing out the house to sell a mere 12 hours after you've died.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

Or just don't buy it. Spend the money on something useful, like a nice bit of beef for Sunday.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

By "nice bit of beef" we mean some meat for dinner, not a cheap prostitute.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

"It has not been used as it has only been stored by a collector, not a child!" says the eBay listing. We already knew that.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

Only a collector would know the value and importance of supplying a photograph of the almost entirely featureless rear of the machine.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

That looks like 1982. Surely Sonic The Hedgehog wasn't invented by Tomy in 1982 and then subsequently licensed by SEGA in 1989?

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

It's OK. Any good collector knows that we'll be needing a close-up of the game description text.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

There you go.

Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

It was on eBay along with some pinball thing. The listing has finished, which is probably for the best. We all have way too much of this kind of shit already.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/07/2008 11:38:00 AM 11 comments

SONIC SAYS: "KEEP WASTE IN ITS PLACE!"

It's another Sonic-themed rubbish bin. Imagine how well it would compliment the astonishing carpet. That's what we will be imagining today. That and the usual revenge fantasies.

"He's a little battered, but still kicking. The place I found him was spotless in terms of rubbish laying around. I think we all know why - Mengzor."

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/06/2008 11:35:00 AM 6 comments

SONIC SPOTTED RUNNING THE LONDON MARATHON

The mask of reality slips, as Sonic wheezes home in a time of 7 hours and 26 minutes. Then sits on the pavement sobbing "NEVER AGAIN" into a tin foil blanket as blood oozes from his nipples and shoes.

Two people captured the moment for eternity. Here are their tales.

"Sonic clearly wasn't putting much effort into his 2008 London Marathon run, otherwise he would have done it well under one hour... - Gavin."

"Dear Sega Superstar Tennis Monthly, I was wandering around London on Marathon day, watching the sweaty people stagger by, when a banner caught my eye."

"It seemed to be saying that Sonic would be running, which is a bit daft as he's clearly got a massive non-human freaky genetic advantage. However, in the distance I noticed a strange blue dot that grew rapidly into Sonic."

"My friend managed to grab a few blurry pictures as he flew by. And I figured you grow too old for this shit. I guess they made him start a couple of hours after everyone else to make it fair."

"I also made him take pictures of this strange old man carrying a load of balloons saying kids."

"I kind of hope that it isn't some kind of charity based acronym but instead he's just a very pro-active paedo. Here's hoping - Sig."

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/02/2008 11:21:00 AM 7 comments

ELSEWHERE ON "THE NETWORK" #00022

It was the week that GTA IV came out, so there was a lot of pretending to be done. We pretended to be excited, pretended to buy it, pretended to like it and pretended we'd rather play it than get a few more Achievements out of Ikaruga instead. It is, pretty much, A WORLD OF LIES. Including:

This thing which is a slightly embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV on launch day.

This thing which is a massively embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV the day after launch.

This thing about The Pirate Bay getting in on GTA IV launch fever by encouraging everyone to steal it off the internet.

This thing about Radiohead which still doesn't make much sense.

This thing about ridiculously fashionable youths standing in the vicinity of scooters, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

It's a scooter, not a motorcycle. And that's what looks like a woman

It's either carry on doing this or retrain and get a job as an IT support manager for a bank. Might as well stick with this.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/02/2008 08:39:00 AM 8 comments

MARIO KART Wii IN "SONIC RIP-OFF SHAME"

Keen reader and occasional contributor "Chris" has spotted GLARING and UNDENIABLE similarities between artwork designed to promote SEGA's 1995 Game Gear game Sonic Drift 2 and Nintendo's 2008 game Mario Kart Wii.

Given the 13 year gap, it is clear that one company is copying the other.

To the left - Mario Kart Wii. To the right, Sonic Drift 2. Another case of Nintendo using SEGA to line its own FILTHY POCKETS.

THE ORIGINAL DISCOVERER WRITES...
"Been doing a bit of browsing through the archives (ie my SEGA art wank bank) and have noticed that the new art promoting Mario Kart Wii is clearly a rip-off of the artwork promoting Sonic Drift 2 back in the day. I have attached both images for easy comparison.

"Now, I'm no artist, but it's clear that the perspective is similar (albeit slightly more raised in the Sonic one, clearly suggesting a position of dominance over Mario's effort), each game's main character is in the lead, there are all sorts of dopey fuckers trying to catch up in each, and both generally evoke chaos in a manner that neither game could ever hope to realistically convey.

"Naturally, the Sonic one looks better because 2D art is always better than 3D art, and because Metal Sonic is clearly trying to rape Amy Rose by drilling a hole through the front of his car and the back of hers, and by forcing his extending metallic cock through both holes and directly into her ring-piece. And clearly, judging by her face, she's none the wiser. She will be soon when the blood starts flowing.

"Anyway, I hope this makes it clear that Nintendo clearly owes SEGA some sort of money or, at the very least, a loan of Shigsy for a while so he can make Shenmue 3, complete with Animal Crossing toys in the capsule machines."

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 5/01/2008 11:34:00 AM 8 comments

SONIC BOOK UPDATE

Some bragging little SHIT has the lot of them. We've requested scans of each page, but haven't heard back yet. So he's either doing it and tied up for a few weeks, or just can't really be bothered - which is entirely understandable.

The British Library Sonic book collection

"If you have just gotten over the greatness of Where's Sonic, you may just be about to crap your pants again. Please find attached an image of my collection of the series of Sonic books. In addition to Where's Sonic, here are Adventure Gamebook 1, 2, 3 and 4, Puzzle Book 1 and 2 and The Sonic Joke Book. Right now you may feel the need to hear the Sonic related jokes, but for the most part these are just terrible jokes with very little to do with Sonic... so I guess you might want scans.

DAMN SHITTING RIGHT WE WANT SCANS
Or high-resolution digital photos. Or the original proofs from Ladybird Publishing.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 4/30/2008 12:29:00 PM 20 comments

GTA IV - THE TRUTH WILL OUT

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Sony fanboys have been desperate for a 'technical edge' to boast about since the PS3 launch and IGN's review of GTA IV was it. Briefly. Unfortunately, the "subtle, soft warmth" of the PS3 version turns out to be the SHOCKING revelation that the game only runs in 640p and can't even manage any anti-aliasing. That means it is doing close to 30 percent less work just to maintain its lower-than-the-360-version-framerate. Cue lots of forum comments from PS3 owners along the lines of "Oh, well I prefer the soft, hazy, blurry look anyway" etc. Now you know why all the publicity shots were from the 360 version. Next.

Posted by Capt_Jax 4/29/2008 09:55:00 PM 18 comments

LOST SONIC GAME DISCOVERED

Cheap? Check! Plastic? Check! For kids? Check! A sign of bygone days when it was Sonic and SONIC ALONE that ruled the world of video game merchandise? CHECK! It's the Sonic The Hedgehog... Spinning Battle Thing!

"I was rummaging through some old stuff and came across this classic Sonic toy. I'm not exactly sure what it's called, but it's like a miniature Sonic fighting game."

"Basically you had to insert the models inside the spinners, and twist them up. Then you'd close the case, and press the button on the side of the spinner to spin them into the ring. First one to be knocked down loses."

"An awesome toy, it's been played to death; the Robotnik spinner broke :("

"Well, just thought you might be interested! Thanks, Mike."

Thanks, Mike. It's certainly something to do an update about on a day like today. Even the blurry photos will do.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 4/29/2008 11:53:00 AM 9 comments

THE FAN-MADE HD SONIC 2 REMAKE

This is one of those updates where we have caved in under massive public demand. Everyone thinks we should "do something" about the HD remake of Sonic 2, so here it is.

Some kids on the internet are remaking Sonic 2 in HD. This is what it looks like:

Looks OK, innit?

We don't want to go "poo-pooing" anyone's hard work or anything, but the chances of this reaching any sort of meaningful conclusion are rather remote. It's one thing drawing up some pretty sprites and having everyone on the internet go "Wow!" over them, but sooner or later someone's going to get lumbered with recreating all of Oil Ocean Zone. Then it's not going to seem like such a jolly laugh.

You can see the nicotine-stained fingers

Still, we've been maintaining a SEGA-based folly for 12 years now, so aren't really in any position to go handing out advice.

Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 4/28/2008 11:58:00 AM 16 comments

WE MADE MERCHANDISE
UKR t-shirts are cheap on more than one level:

RECENTLY...
As well as SELLING OUT we've done this:

THE ANIMAL CROSSING MEMORIAL UPDATE
We lost the DS and game. This is all that remains of Big City :(

Animal Crossing WW: Game of 2006

MORE HIGHLIGHTS
Because we're that good and incredibly prolific.

Photos of SEGA things in Japan

Amazing Sonic desktop images

PSP Lie blog goes wrong

Afterburner Climax movies and review

Wii - is for women

Wii - is for women X2

A SEGA doormat in Japan!

2006 video game BAFTAs

'Virtually Addicted' TV games-are-evil report

68 photos of booth babes from TGS

Sonic on Coronation Street

Sonic fruit machine

THE LAST YEAR OR SO
Stuff doesn't disappear when it scrolls off the bottom. It gets saved here in monthly chunks:

[March 2004]
[April 2004]
[May 2004]
[June 2004]
[August 2004]
[September 2004]
[October 2004]
[November 2004]
[December 2004]
[January 2005]
[February 2005]
[March 2005]
[April 2005]
[May 2005]
[June 2005]
[July 2005]
[August 2005]
[September 2005]
[October 2005]
[November 2005]
[December 2005]
[January 2006]
[February 2006]
[March 2006]
[April 2006]
[May 2006]
[June 2006]
[July 2006]
[August 2006]
[September 2006]
[October 2006]
[November 2006]
[December 2006]
[January 2007]
[February 2007]
[March 2007]
[April 2007]
[May 2007]
[June 2007]
[July 2007]
[August 2007]
[September 2007]
[October 2007]
[November 2007]
[December 2007]
[January 2008]
[February 2008]
[March 2008]
[April 2008]
[May 2008]

VERY OLD THINGS
Most of it's quite rubbish in hindsight:

[1996-2001]
[2002-2004]

SITES WE DO/DID
[Nintendogging]
[Idiot Toys]
[My Animal Crossing]

SITES WE LIKE
[Spong]
[Eurogamer]
[Kikizo]
[Kotaku]
[Idle Thumbs]
[Insert Credit]
[Wonderland]
[Bizarre Creations]
[Play.d]
[Mr Biffo]

SITES THAT PROBABLY CONSIDER THEMSELVES 'COMPETITION' OF SOME SORT
[Rubbish Pixels]
[PEOWW]

NEW SITES WE LIKE
[One Thousand Tiny Things I Hate]
[Gibbage]
[Affectionate Diary]

THE TRIFORCE
[The Triforce]

KEITH, ALEKS AND GREG
[Guardian Games Blog]

RICHARD NOW LIKES MUSIC MORE THAN GAMES :(
[Rock Hack]

ALAN *REALLY LIKES* CARS
[Veni Vidi Vici]

GRAEME'S SOLO PROJECT
[AceyBongos]

SITES WE HATE *SO MUCH* THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE THE DIGNITY OF A FUNCTIONING LINK
[Penny Arcade]
[Game Girl Advance]
[Total Video Games]
[Gillen]
[B3TA]
[NTSC-UK]

SITES THAT ASKED NICELY FOR A LINK
[GHZ]
[SEGA Memories]
[Bruce on Games]
[Virtual Console Archive]
[I told you I wasn't dead]
[Sigmatronics]
[Games Asylum]
[Fuck Right Off]
[Retro Thinking]
[Britxbox]
[Sticks of Joy]
[SEGA Nerds]
[Wii-UK]
[Angry Gamer]
[Dark Revolutions]
[Lemmy + Binky]
[Genki Video Games]
[Open Senses]
[Console Mad]
[Persian Gamers]
[CVG Archive]
[Disposable Media]
[NOOOZ]
[Mean Machines Archive]

NON-GAMING SITES WE READ BECAUSE WE'RE SO ACHINGLY *LIFESTYLE* AND IN TOUCH WITH YOUTH CULTURE
[Aerial Telly]
[Uncle Jen]
[Snackspot]
[Usemycomp.]
[Cybercandy]
[Popjustice]
[Goldenfiddle]
[Rich Herring]

SAY HELLO
And here's how to email us and a couple of other important things:
[Email]
[Workers]
[About]

FEEDS
You don't have to actually read the site to read the site:
[Live Journal]
[XML / RSS]

A 'MYSPACE' WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN HACKED
Just to fit in:
[UKR MySpace]

SHINY MEDIA:
UKR has joined the Shiny Media blog-o-world. Play nicely with the following Shiny blogs:

FOR BOYS:
Stuff about games, phones and big TVs. [Xboxer]
[WiiWii]
[PSPSPS]
[Tech Digest]
[Tech Reviews]
[Techscape]
[Games Digest]
[HDTV UK]
[iPhonic]
[Mobile Digest]
[Shiny Shiny]

FOR MEN:
Stuff about primal blood sports. [Nollie]
[Scrumbag]
[The Googly]
[Who ate all the Pies]

FOR GIRLS:
Stuff about bags and shoes and pink things. [Bridalwave]
[Catwalk Queen]
[Kiss and Makeup]
[Nollie]
[Shoewawa]
[The Bag Lady]
[Trashionista]

FOR PEOPLE WITH 'LIFESTYLES':
Stuff about TV and music and Paris Hilton. [Available for Panto]
[Bayraider]
[Brandish]
[Corrie Blog]
[Crafty Crafty]
[Dollymix]
[Hecklerspray]
[Hippyshopper]
[Kerching]
[Lost Weekend]
[My Chemical Toilet]
[Popjunkie]
[Star Trip]
[TV Scoop]

THAT'S IT
Now try completing it all again, this time on Normal.