It has come to our attention that some of our readers have been concerned for the whereabouts of UK:R operative Jon M. All sorts of rumours abounded that Jon had been captured by a gang of fanatical retro gamers. Held against his will, he was made to type in code listings from eighties computer magazines on a rubber spectrum keyboard before being strapped to a chair and made to visit every planet in the Elite universe -- twice! Other reports had him being kidnapped by Sony-funded Yakuza and brainwashed in an attempt to lure him to the 'Other Side'. Another said he had committed suicide in a bizarre Hari Kari ritual. Unable to cope with the demise of the Sega hardware division he threw his Dreamcast from a second floor window and stabbed himself with a shard of plastic from it's smashed casing.

Some say he never existed in the first place and was just an excuse to use for the non-funny bits. Whatever, Jon has returned which can mean only one thing. An extra 2.4378 updates per year!

Aspirational image of fashionable Microsoft-endorsed game players #1

Sad Gaming Truths That You'd Better Learn To Live With
#1: Games will never be 'accepted'

It will never be cool to admit you are a gamer. So what if the games industry is worth more than the movie industry? That's just because it costs you forty quid to buy a game and £150 for the box to play it on. You know why there isn't a good TV programme about games? Because watching two kids playing Tekken is stupid and boring. Did you see GameStars? Tragic. No one will ever like you because you play games. Deal with it.

Annoying things about videogames #2513
Wankers who always talk about 'The Industry'

Are you one of those journalists/developers/PR people that always whinge about people not taking 'The Industry' seriously? Stop moaning will you? Who cares if a load of kids get in to trade shows, they pay your fucking wages. And what's wrong with 'Booth Babes'? Don't you like girls or something? Or would you rather have a group of men in suits with their arms folded talk all serious to you? For a business that's supposed to be based on having FUN you're a pompous, humourless lot. How many interesting personalities are there in the games 'industry'? I bet you can count them on one hand. Now do the same for music and films. Why do you even play games? Couldn't you get a job in Insurance?

Develeoper Desperation Device™
Developers; stuck on your latest project? Running out of ideas? Publisher getting on your back? Then you need the Developer Desperation Device. Let this easy to use tool make your decisions for you. Simply print, pierce and spin!

Where's your Dreamcast now?

Part 1: Jon, from Essex. In a plastic crate thing in a cupboard.

Sega folding bike -- exclusive review
Everyone's talking about it but we've managed to secure a copy of Sega Folding Bicycle!

Graphically it looks good, the 3D modelling is impressive, especially the curved surfaces. The controls are fairly responsive and utilise the standard 'handlebar' layout which manages to convey a realistic feeling of riding a bike. Sound was a bit disappointing, the bell only made a monotone 'ding'. Couldn't they have got Richard Jacques in to come up with something better? The foldability adds a certain puzzle element but only gave us about an hour of gameplay before we sussed it out and it's not likely to keep you coming back for more. So, in an already overcrowded genre Sega has struggled to inject anything really new. 68%

3DO Assets auction

Lot 35a: 1 office desk.

Lot 35b: 1 brass name plaque "TRIP"

Lot 35c: 1 book "You Can Hype Anything: Creative Tactics and Advice for Anyone with a Product or Business to Promote" by Raleigh Pinskey

Lot 35d: 1 book "Brand Failures: The Truth About the 100 Biggest Branding Mistakes of All Time " by Matt Haig

Lot 35e: 10000 large boxes of Army Men videogames (shrinkwrapped)

Annoying things about the internet #18631

People spelling 'lose' as 'loose' all the time.

Something more shit than retro games:

Mobile phone games.

Something even more shit than retro games and mobile phone games put together

Those games on satellite tv channels played by truant schoolkids that cost 50p minute.

Employee of the Week
Only the hardiest of ladies are wearing skirts now, as they fold away their pretty legs and prepare to grow an insulating layer of hair in preparation for the winter. Journey back with us to happier times, as we relive the heavenly summer of '03 and all the skirted wonders it contained. Let's look at girls again, is the long and short of it.

Coming Soon!

Your task for the next few weeks
Post something interesting on the forum that isn't to do with how you are getting lots of sex/aren't getting any sex at all at the moment. Then, BUY FIFTY UKR "RETRO GAMES ARE SHIT" T-SHIRTS FOR EVERYONE YOU KNOW so we can afford to inject drugs into our cocks every day.