If it hasn't been modified then we just don't want to know. Our PlayStation2 has been chipped to output in monochrome at 65Hz, making it completely unviewable but worth an absolute ton on Ebay. Suckers.

Modchips now available!
Still using that shitty old PAL washing machine? Upgrade it now to full NTSC drum rotation speed with UKR's new modchip fitting service. Pre-modded household goods available on request. Version 3 Indesit mods should be out in early December, please stop emailing us about your orders -- they'll be dealt with in order as soon as stock is available.

Grand Theft Auto fever hits Dreamcast!
We can't stop playing it! That's Grand Theft Auto 2, the original, with its superb 2D "top down" graphics to enhance gameplay! 3D graphics are for Tekken losers! Keep games 2D and pure! GTA2 RULEZ!

ADVANTAGES OF GTA2 OVER GTA VICE CITY:

1. Doesn't crash so often
2. Not as popular, so therefore better
3. Doesn't require PS2 technology
4. Cheap, or indeed, free

Four ways Dreamcast can STILL be a success:
1. Re-releasing the above-mentioned Grand Theft Auto 2 in a new bundle
2. Cracking the rapidly-expanding Chinese market
3. Becoming synonymous with education (BBC Micro)
4. Linux?

Shit things about the internet: #7: Weblogs
Peole used to have web sites because they had something to say. Nowadays people have web sites then desperately try to come up with things to say on them. Most people don't really have anything interesting to say. Take UKR, for example. This is what most weblogs are like:

May 25, 1998. Grandma phoned to say she's got cancer. Mike said he's leaving me for another woman. The cat seems to be tired all the time. Found a strange lump in my groin.

June 11, 1999. Sorry for lack of updates! New updates following shortly!!!

April 13, 2000. Here's a few pictures of my new kitten! She's so cute!

April 3, 2001. Sarah phoned today.

August 9, 2002. This weblog will no longer be updated.

FORTHCOMING UPDATES OF CLASSIC GAMES THAT YOU JUST KNOW ARE GOING TO BE SHIT AND THAT THEY SHOULDN'T BOTHER WITH AT ALL:
#1: Defender
Just look at it. You can see the boredom of 3D space shooting gameplay leaking from the screen. It's brown, it looks awful, it's bound to be shit, even when viewed ironically by some twat at a Joystick Junkies event in Shoreditch. You can't just take old games and put them in 3D and expect to have a hit, you know. Here, allow us to do some freelance product appraisal for you: "DON'T BOTHER".

Yes, of course we chose the two shittest-looking shots to illustrate the point with.

The Frowning Diet
It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile -- a secret today's Hollywood celebrities know only too well! So lose those extra pounds and get in shape for Christmas with the Frowning Diet! When you feel like smiling -- just frown instead and watch the pounds fall away!*

Skinny Friends star Jennifer Aniston has used the frowning diet for two years.

*As part of a calorie controlled and pie-free diet.

Fun with the Fujitsu-Siemens promotional photo archive!
We really thought we would've run out of ideas by now, but we could've done ten this issue alone. All the suffering Mr Siemens went through at school was worth it.

SUBmissions/DOMain
We like to be positive. We'd never tell anyone their submission is shit, you know, to avoid hurting their feelings. But what we can do is put the best ones at the top, then gradually put our less favourite ones in as we go down, breaking the news gently.

DOING IT PROPERLY:
Superb, just superb use of the server hardware image section. Twenty years ago this man could've had a promising career in the BBC sci-fi props department. Sellotape some yogurt pots on the top of it and you've got a recurring enemy for eight Dr Who episodes a year. Well done to submitter "Dam". GORGO must win. GORGO is best submission. Puny web site must declare GORGO winner.

NEARLY WINNING :
Bewildered man's voice coming from out of the shot, illustrating the daily frustration we feel at having to endure the vagueries of the female mind. It's Dave Bell, and he just MUST have a girlfriend in order to come up with stuff like this. Beautiful in its simplicity.

THIRDLY POSITIONED :
Server Hardware Dam again, this time illustrating the daily trials of BS2000/OSD Business Server VOLTRON.

YUKKY WOMEN'S PROBLEMS:
Bravely tackling women's issues is Graham Goring, who isn't going to pass on his genetic code if he doesn't pull his act together and stop making jokes about this kind of thing.

WITH MERIT :
Charles Bedwell sent us in four submissions. We can't put up four from the same person, it's just not fair. Plus, the other three weren't really as good.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED :
Kaz Hunter also sent us a Fujitsu Siemens submission, but this is better. Our hearts say he took the picture himself, our heads say he just found it on the internet while searching for photos of women pissing on each other to wank over on a Sunday afternoon. Still, good work nonetheless.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED :
Matt Robinson. We don't get it, due to having never downloaded pornography ever.

WELL COME ON THEN!
And you could do it too. Submit to us and we'll upload it. Although we left quite a few out this time. Sorry if one was yours.

Your task for the next two weeks...
Shut out that nagging feeling that you should be a better person by drinking more.