Before you ask, this really is a genuine interview conducted with a few members of the Lobotomy Software team. We've all read interviews about their herculean endeavours when it comes to converting massive PC games to the humble Saturn, so we though it would be nice to ask them a few interesting questions about food, girls, music and the kind of stuff that really matters... life's too short, right?

Complete the following sentence in no more than 15 words: Everybody should buy Saturn Duke Nukem because...

[KC]
We like to eat.

[PS]
We need the money.

[PH]
They've finished Exhumed, and Quake's not out yet ;-)

[DM]
...Speed, Guns, Girls, the Secret Toilet Stage, and 7 way Death Tank Zwei.

Who is responsible for designing and maintaining the Lobotomy website?

[KC]
Paul Schreiber, The Lobotomy Cyber-Posterchild and Lap-top dancer.

[PS]
Who's asking? Is there a problem? You don't like it? Because if you don't, you can just piss off and surf somewhere else, pal.

[PH]
There's a Lobotomy Web site?

[Paul Lange]
It's a combined effort, but by and large, PS had done the most direct work and actually maintains it.

If the Saturn was represented by a small child, what would represent the PlayStation?

[KC]
That child's abusive step-father

[PS]
A Japanese school girl in a green plaid jumper with black knee socks, ponytails, and a bundle of books. No, wait?

[PH]
What's a Play Station?

[DM]
An ultra hyped polygonal version of that same small child.

Do you have someone who comes to your office and sells sandwiches? If so, which variety of sandwich is favourite?

[KC]
No, but if someone eats out during lunch we all usually enjoy what they had secondhand.

[PS]
No, but we have a water cooler. I like the cool water best.

[PH]
Can you say, Flipper Beware!

Do you have a preference when it comes to the Spice Girls? Ginger Geri is our favourite...

[KC]
It's a toss-up between Dom Spice or Yuill Spice. They've got moves for days.

[PS]
Can I sample them before I decide?

[PH]
We're not choosy!

What sort of music plays on the office radio? Being Americans, I suppose you all like that awful rock music...

[KC]
It varies. We all take the afternoon to aerobicize to Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Oldies(without showering)." Also, we like to get down to a melodic band called A.C.-They have a love music album called, "Everyone Should Be Killed."

[PS]
Yes, we love awful rock music, but we don't have a radio.

[PH]
We prefer that peaceful in the country feeling provided by CRICKETS!

[DM]
Front Line Assembly, Meat Beat Manifesto, makyo, Delerium, Loop Guru, the crystal method, Chemical Brothers, Orbital, and plenty more.

Can you give us any top secret information on the new Sega console?

[KC]
A great machine! Besides all the 3D capabilities it also has a hot corn popper attachment and makes life-like replicas of Kelly LeBrock that are made of Spam.

[PS]
Yes. It weighs over 30 pounds and it's shaped exactly like your head.

[PH]
Rumor has it Sega is negotiating with Sonicare Toothbrushes.

[Paul Lange]
Nope, we don't really know much yet anyway.

How many people are there in Lobotomy at the moment?

[KC]
19, all with enormous weiner-packages

[PS]
Can't see from where I'm sitting.

[PH]
A whole bunch.

Do you know what Tri-Linear interpolation is?

[KC]
It's a sexual preference/orientation that we all embrace. No bigotry here

[PS]
Sure. But I always ride coach. It's cheaper. I like the window seat best.

[PH]
No. Do you know what an UltraMafic, porphorytic gabbro phenolite is?

[Paul Lange]
Some of us do, but does it really matter?

Have you reached the maximum potential of the Saturn or is there still more to come?

[KC]
Our programming staff is hard at work on a time machine and a process that will make women companions for everyone

[PS]
I figure if we can convince Sega to ship every one of our games with a fifth of Jim Beam, we can increase the frame rate by at least 10%. I can guarantee you the sales would increase.

[PH]
HEY! who leaked about our reset switch input scheme!

[Paul Lange]
There could be more hiding in that little black box, but I doubt we will spend another year digging it out (sorry Saturn fans).

Have any members of your team actually had brain surgery?

[KC]
No but we like to use this process that involves, a car battery, jumpercables, peanut butter, a stray dog and...oh, nevermind.

[PS]
I don't understand the question.

[PH]
um, some members NEED brain surgery.

Are you all really rich nowadays then?

[KC]
YES, Rich in personality and we all can afford cheese on our tree bark these days.

[PS]
Just buy the damn games.

[PH]
We take up a collection so one lucky person can bus home each night.

[Paul Lange]
Right...

Besides your own, what are your favourite Saturn games?

[KC]
"Lonnie, the potato farmer, and the tennis ball machine." and "Jack-attack" are ones that come to mind.

[PS]
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

[PH]
The one with nine globes and two boxes on the screen, with lots of stars! it's great!

[DM]
Magical Drop III, Silhouette Mirage, Bomberman, the Astounding Grandia Demo, Rockman X4, Sonic Jam, Dragon Force.

Any thing more you`d like to say?

[KC]
Pie

[PS]
So?what are you wearing?

[PH]
Qweef?

[Paul Lange]
Thanks for the opportunity to be interviewed, now go out and buy Exhumed, Duke and Quake, then kick your friends ass in Death Tank!

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