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News just in: You are a pervert interested only in pictures of famous women's tits. So says the UKR Search Engine Results Survey, pictured below, which reveals how you found this site. So, for pictures of ANNA KOURNIKOVA in a SCHOOL UNIFORM watching KELLY BROOK MASTURBATE XENIA SEEBERG wile playing DEAD OR ALIVE 2 with their FAMOUS TITS OUT, look no further! Is there anyone reading this who hasn't got their cock in their hands?
As predicted by us (and anyone else with a grain of common sense) absolutely ages ago XBOX has flopped in Europe and Japan, with some suggesting an urgent price drop of about £100 being needed immediately to prevent the machine joining Atari's Jaguar and the 3DO in the Console Hall of Shame. "Microsoft has had its teeth kicked in, in both Europe and Japan", says the president of Electronic Arts. "Microsoft has been totally, utterly fucked" says us.
Staff meeting. 12.30 by the water cooler
"You mean she didn't really die!? We never would have guessed that. So the new game will be out when? Christmas...really? excellent!"
Moving forward by investing in people
Helping us grow our business and push strongly into Q2 is our latest employee. She's in charge of raising office morale by just being around the place. We're campaigning for the introduction of the Compulsory Pretty Women In The Work Place Act.
Sorry for the language, but there's no other way to describe everyone involved with this sickening slice of diseased publicity that appeared in Saturday's edition of The Sun newspaper. It's an "interview" with "sexy" gaming "icon" Lara Croft. Murdering children is less of a crime. A POX on all concerned!
Our Survey Says...
The Rectangular Console Sales Theory!
Forget the old grey/black theories, UKR has discovered the shocking truth -- only RECTANGULAR games consoles achieve impressive sales figures! It's been there in front of our eyes all along.
Is a cube two squares on top of each other or half a rectangle? A Nintendo spokesman was unable to comprehend the question at time of going to press.
UK media 'puts farm' on Xbox
The games magazine shelves are heaving under the weight of new Xbox magazines (and unsold copies of PlayNation with its free tube of Immac), making Xbox by far the media's first choice in the next-next-next-gen console wars. Which raises the question: What the fuck's going to happen to Gamecube? Is it dead already? We don't care -- we've got other things on our minds.
And you thought the Dreamcast launch was apathetic.
Happy Valentine's Day -- From Sonic the Hedgehog!
Don't worry, someone loves you! Sonic loves you! Print out this cute Valentine's card and display it where all can see! Sega still cares! Just see all the effort it's putting into Dreamcast games for proof!
Sonic: He hurt you, but you'll keep going back for more.
Reasons to be cheerful!
Hey there, Mister grumpy face! It's not all doom and gloom, you know!
REZ Meet-up confirmed!
VF4 is great! Wanking is still free!
2:00pm, Saturday 9th Feb. Meet in HMV Oxford Street. In the Adam Freeland section. Topics of conversation: REZ, Adam Freeland.
Opinion Amnesty Day, March 1st, 2002
March 1st is the official AMNESTY day where every Sega fan may freely admit to faking a love of certain games simply because they are made by Sega. Following the success of last year's extremely successful I Actually Found Metropolis Street Racer Shit Boring amnesty, police authorities are hoping for a turn out of several thousand retrospectively honest gamers. Relieve yourself of the burden of living a lie on March 1st!
REZ audio CD listing finalised!
Our import copies have finally arrived! Well worth the £99 and the 12-hour car journey! Here's a scan of the track listing, to put an end to the speculation:
REZ soundtrack CD: Your life!
Watch us listening to it, LIVE, 24-hours a day, on our Webcam!
Damn those Walford Gazette reporters. Always after a scoop. WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOUR SORT. You ruin people's lives. Snooping about, always looking for some picture or other. It's sickening. Go on, you vultures, bugger off and leave us alone. It's a time for family. Haven't we suffered enough?
Sonic Adventure 3 plot revealed!
Turns out Dr Robotnik has stolen the chaos emeralds. Players take on the role of Sonic the Hedgehog and battle to get them back.
The internet: Where fisting is never more than two clicks away.
Employee of the Week!
Well, it's been about a week since the last one by our reckoning, so it must be time for another. Mind you, by our reckoning, Lorraine Kelly is an attractive sex object and it's perfectly reasonable behaviour to masturbate on public transport.
The internet: Taking the edge off life's horrors
Thought Processes of the Elderly!
Was your Christmas ruined by receiving inapropriate gifts from old relatives who only have a half-notion of what kind of stuff you like? Ours too! So we present a new feature to illustrate this, which we have entitled: Thought Processes of the Elderly. Dad, read the fucking site in future, okay?
The internet: Helping people who don't like meeting people to meet people
Beat loneliness this Christmas!
You don't have to suffer alone! Here are a few tips on how to avoid -- or at least temporarily postpone -- committing suicide over the festive period:
Join a homeless charity Everyone smiles when someone brings them free soup Take heroin The "warm bath" feeling of cheap skag hides a multitude of personal issues Kidnap someone Get that warm feeling of companionship by handcuffing a child to a radiator Go to prison Meet people, and experiment with anal play Get a job at a call centre Open 365 days a year! But remember to bring sandwiches -- the sandwich woman gets Christmas day off Become a Jehovah's Witness Because they don't celebrate Christmas, and it's a good way to meet people and scope out houses to burglarise Become a TV continuity announcer As long as you can fake excitement about the hilarious and still-fucking-continuing adventures of Derek and Rodney Trotter
Clever Topical Headline
The Internet is in serious danger of grinding to a permanent halt due to the relentless growth of satirical news sites, experts have warned. Indeed, for eighteen agonising minutes yesterday evening, large parts of the 'net were unreachable as thousands of irritatingly clever webmasters uploaded their "Bin Laden video" stories. This followed a previous outage caused by one too many Segway articles earlier in the week, some of which were accompanied by humorous mocked-up pictures. The websites, usually named after a small town newspaper that doesn't actually exist, have been growing at an exponential rate in the last six months and have now overtaken porn sites in number. Analysts fear the internet will have to be switched off if the trend continues unabated, and are recommending people simply read The Onion instead.
CU L8r M8!
UKR's IRC channel (Quakenet, #ukresistance) is perhaps of interest to those of you who would like to talk to other borderline-suicidal single men about the sublime nuances of playing Rez at 3:35am, alone, through a veil of tears about past regrets and missed chances. It's often amusing, moreso when prolific web-tainer Idgaf is "in da house". It's the only message thing on the web where we don't hate everyone that posts!*
Adopt the identity of a friend and wreak chaos with their personal life!
*Correct at time of going to press.
UKR wins Turner Web Prize award!
Our ongoing online art project Work 237: Web Site In State Of Disrepair has been announced winner of the Turner Web Prize for 2001. This site -- only sporadically updated over the last six months -- was deemed a "stunning representation of the growing lack of interest in internet journalism" and a "touching virtual representation of the fading hopes of the once-eager dot.com web empires".
Work has already begun on the follow-up piece; Work 238: A Huge Hidden Folder Of Porn. It should be complete and ready for viewing by 2006.
EXCLUSIVE! MGS2 pre-review review-preview special!
Here are some more EXCLUSIVE press shots of the first level! It's awesome! 96%
Come back for another review based solely on the demo tomorrow!
Don't say we didn't warn you
Video game journalists were in crisis last night when Metal Gear Solid 2 (the most anticipated game of all time) turned out to be Not All That Good After All. Urgent meetings were held in order to discuss just how they were going to justify their 10/10 reviews (some of which were written several months ago). The 'movie with added game cut-scenes' went on sale last week to what would be best descibed as "an awkward silence". Never mind, here are some tips on writing that face-saving review;
Latest update cancelled.
Mention how good the rain looks. Tell the reader that all those cut-scenes will save wear and tear on the joypad. Cleverly divert the readers attention away from MGS2 by talking about how incredible MGS3 will be. Mention how good the rain looks. Use phrases like "It won't be too everyones taste" Emphasise the need to play the game at least 4 times before you'll like it. Tell them they'll understand the story by the time MGS7 is out. Mention how good the rain looks.
We regret to inform you that the latest UK:R update - scheduled for release today, has been officially cancelled. The update, despite being 100% complete and fully readable, will now not be appearing on the site at all. However, a deal with a major gaming website competitor may see the update feature elsewhere in the future. All other updates due for release in the next two months remain unaffected at present.
Dreamcast Annihilation Advent Calendar!
Four months to go, then kapow! -- realisation that Dreamcast is over will hit you in the face like Dr Pepper-flavoured spit from a disgruntled youth at a bus stop. But don't worry! Sega has still got SEVEN games coming out for Dreamcast, and, as they're from Sega, they'll all be absolutely brilliant! "LOL! :-))))) SAgE RuLez!!! DeATH 2 U PS2 LAM3RZ!" a UK Resistance reader was quoted as saying, yesterday, before we wrestled him to the ground and punched his kidneys out through his sternum for being such a blinkered retard.
So buy a PlayStation2! Or a Gamecube! Or an Xbox! Or a Game Boy! Either that or sit alone in your bedsit playing fucking Rez for the rest of your miserable life, grinding your teeth down to stumps as you compile a list of how it's better than the PS2 version, while wondering where your life went wrong and sobbing tears that no one will ever see.
After every spite-filled out-pouring comes a nice picture of a woman in a bikini to bring us all back together again. It's the way Mother Internet works.
A wry sideswipe at the industry
Or is it just barely masked contempt at having to work in a world ruled by yes-men who couldn't tie their shoelaces without first receiving advice from a fucking focus group? Regardless, read the new Industry Insider column, in which our anonymous source within the games industry gives his opinions on the subjects that matter!
Gamecube launch: utter bollocks!
We played one today. You know when PS2 games look a bit like PSone games and you can't really tell the difference because they're so bland and meshy? That's what Wave Race on Gamecube looks like. Luigi's Mansion bored us all within minutes. We were so bored with it all we couldn't even be bothered to stick in Monkey Ball to see what it was like. Cute little discs, mind.
Never before in the field of video gaming have so many been bored and disappointed by a hardware launch. The interest lasted a full five minutes, before everyone wandered away to do work, for fuck's sake! Gamecube is doomed! Xbox is already doomed, so here's a message to anyone currently employed in the video game industry or any related field: GET THE HELL OUT OF IT. It's so over. Come and set up a farm with us in the country. They'll need farmers after The Great War.
Eager to maintain their reputation as the most sadistic race known to man, the Japanese are set to release a torture method rivalling those used in World War Two and the 1938 invasion of China. This new barbaric device is thinly disguised as a videogame and marketed under the title 'Shenmue II'. It forces people to endure SEVEN discs worth of brain numbing puzzles which they must repeat over and again and constantly leads them on fruitless tasks which leave them mentally confused and eventually comatose. The 'game' has already been trialled on the famous Jap TV show 'Endurance' where three competitors were left hospitalised. Ex Prisoner-of-war Ernie Simpkins told us "The Yanks should have nuked the lot of them when they had the chance."
Things that out-number Dreamcast games
Would sir rather drop dead immediately from a massive heart attack? Or would you prefer a contracted period of suffering involving years of failed treatments, painful tests, hospital visits and appeals to raise money for surgery at the clinic of Dr Emile Schaufhausen at the Medical Institute of Vienna? Either way same result -- nothing left, save for bargain bucket sales of your remaining functioning organs for vultures to fight over. Remember: even when you're happy, it'll all still come to a crushing and painful end one day. (The Point: a bit like Dreamcast has).
Vending machines selling ribbed condoms for pandas Siberian tigers that can miaow the word 'sausages' Jeff Minters Viewers of ITV's The Premiership Potential British buyers of Xbox Dreamcast magazines Minogues Openly gay Asian Millwall FC supporters Polite London shop staff PlayStation2 games! Black consoles always win! Stop living in the past, grandad!
ECTS show report
We were there. For three days! Atari T-shirts on, notepads and dictaphones out like we're proper journalists or something, we took down all of the facts that matter. Read our ECTS show report for the full exclusive from this stunning show!
A Sony party invite -- the hottest piece of paper in gay old London Town!
We Love The 1970s Body Ideals
It's not fair. It was always women who had to be thin and pretty, now us poor men are supposed to keep our stomachs perpendicular and worry about whether our thighs rub together when we walk as well. In an effort to shift emphasis back towards the ladies, here's the new Employee of the Week to scrutinise at great length and pick out any tiny flaws. Except there won't be -- that's the beauty of airbrushing. Thank god it's not summer any more -- T-shirts really make our chests look flabby. Curse you, Ginsters!
ECTS survival tips!
Pity employees of small companies who are only allowed to go on Sunday. Envy those who get away without having to attend the sweaty-man-convention at all.
Avoid all Adams -- there's just something about them Remember, those girls are BEING PAID to smile at you Repeat constantly under breath: "Enthusiasm costs lives" The 3DO stand makes an ideal impromtu toilet Getting extremely drunk by 9:30am really helps those meetings fly by Remember the proverb: "Marketing budget of £100m pounds or around? Then plentiful booze is bound to be found" Put your name badge on backwards to avoid being confronted by any enemies you may have made over the internet in the last six months Paragon Publishing employees -- the cafe bins are located behind the main event building, just to the left of the exhibitor entrance Lonely? Simply express interest in a joystick company's range of steering wheels -- they'll love the rare attention and you'll make a friend for life! An invitation to the Sony party is worth a fiver in the morning, a tenner in the afternoon, and full penetrative intercourse by 6:00pm
Dribble! drool!! slobber!!! Have you seen the latest GameCube screenshots? Words can't describe how amazingly amazing they are! They're so brilliant we might run out of exclamation marks!!!! Zelda is incredible! Click through for more superb exclusive screens of Miyamoto's genius creation!
Ten things NOT to say at an industry event
What with ECTS coming up and everything. Just though you lot could do with some advice.
Would you like a free copy of my retrogaming fanzine? If I suck your cock will you give me a GameCube? With the right marketing, Dreamcast could still be a big seller I've read everything you've ever written -- you're shit! Where's the 3DO stand? I've got every issue of Mr Dreamcast! I've got every issue of PSM2! Is that Archer Mclean? Shit! Yes it is!! Wow!!! Let's steal something, that would make us look really cool Hi, I'm representing an internet fan site. Can I have a free T-shirt?
XBOX to bring about end of world
A fatal flaw has been discovered in Microsoft's plan to take over the world of videogames. The XBOX, already acknowledged as being the most ridiculously oversized console ever made, is infact so big that only three of the giant machines can be accommodated in an average sized lorry. Experts predict that in order for the consoles to be distributed around the world, the vehicles of every road haulier in existance will need to be employed, causing huge traffic jams, monumental levels of pollution and, ultimately, economic breakdown across the globe. The release of the mammoth machine must now seriously be brought in to question.
The likely cause of XBOX
There's a new Employee been added. If you met her in a pub, would you talk to her about Dreamcast or PlayStation2? That was a trick question, BTW. LOL!
We have finally got around to updating the Dreamcast Release Schedule area of the site.
Discuss why everything is wrong with other, like-minded, equally miserable and bitter old men. Don't die alone!
Basic message board etiquette for beginners!
Social interaction can be a dangerous thing, especially when your first words were "syntax error" and you haven't been to a disco since the last day of school. So here, for your education, are a few tips on how not to make people who you haven't even met immediately think you're a wanker.
Try not to refer to fellow posters as "fucking cunts" as this can often offend! On average, 95 per cent of the posters on any message board are simply too stupid to listen to reason -- so ignore them! Administrators have access to IP addresses -- so keep replying to your own posts under different names to a minimum! Avoid looking foolish by carefully spell checking any message in which you criticise someone else's grammatical abilities! Perhaps enlist the help of a friend who reads books. Webmasters: Posting deliberately inflammatory stories on your site is a great way to boost your number of posts and create the illusion of a site with more than 20 readers! Webmasters: At least five psuedonyms should be employed daily to amply antagonise any forum posters you may have a mild dislike for. Girls: Post anything -- you'll get loads of painfully over-eager responses. Old men: references to contemporary pop bands will help you fit in! Perhaps mention records by Robbie Williams or the Backstreet Boys. Future Publishing staff: Message boards are a great way to make new employment contacts for when the inevitable happens! Losers: If you can type well and are of average intelligence it's easy to create an aura of cool about yourself -- just ensure you never meet any fellow board users in real life!
Any similarities with jokes either funny or not is entirely coincidental.