Oh, OK then — we’ll have sex with you all. But you’ll have to come up with a rota. There’s only three of us here and Ensign Teela can’t get erections any more due to gender confusion issues. Wear something nice, this is the sort of thing we like.

Meet the frighteningly large-headed Liv Brent, who MUST be really into games because she’s holding a controller — the right way up AND with her fingers on the triggers!

Liv and her AMAZING HUGE HEAD will be presenting something about games called “Sci Gamer” on the Sci-Fi channel. It will almost certainly have “comedy” features and will get axed after one series. We’ve seen it happen too many times.

Click here to have Liv’s AMAZING ONE-DIMENSIONAL HEAD fill your entire screen.

We had to turn up sober to work this morning to raise the two quid necessary to buy this game, so let nobody say we don’t suffer for our art.

Blimey! It’s a game about Japanese girls… IN SPACE! This just proves that our so-called Japanese friends are keeping all the good stuff to themselves.

The gameplay revolves around having a large number of girls in the fridge. You get them out, look at them for a bit then put them back in the fridge again. You can watch FMV and pretend that you’re playing Kriss Kross: Make My Video on the Mega-CD again, but mostly it’s all about the fridge.

It’s still rubbish though. Maybe if we knew more about Morning Musume (apart from the fact that one of them is cross-eyed and one has spazzy teeth) then the experience would be better for us. This is worse than when they made that movie about vampire goth girls in tight leather fighting warewolves in Matrix style bullet time, and it STILL sucked.

It’s going to be REALLY awkward when we inevitably meet them at some UbiSoft industry event now, but we’d be letting you down if we didn’t pass comment on the UK wing of entirely fabricated girl gaming clan the Frag Dolls.

SO HERE GOES!

1. Voodoo!

She’s obviously first. Look! Scroll up and look! She’s got lovely big brown eyes like a cow, and that’s not an insult because we love cows. We know two men that are already obsessed with her having met her at preliminary Frag Dolls events, and for this reason we should probably put her last, seeing as we’re realists and know there’s no point pursuing Miss Lovely, but… SHE HAS SUCH BIG BROWN EYES :(

2. Lucky!

She’s like a quite ordinary nice girl who’s spent twice as long as usual doing her make-up this morning, probably because she’s going to the pub with her male work colleagues after work tonight and wants to try and have sex with one of them. If we were one of her male work colleagues, we’d certainly buy her triples without telling her in order to get her drunk enough to agree (or not be able to say no) to doing the sort of things we like to do to women!

3. Sarin!

This one’s all right. Given that this is probably the first time she’s ever been told how to stand for a photo, she’s doing an OK job. God know why she’s called herself Sarin though. Sarin is a poisonous nerve gas the Nazis and Saddam Hussein liked to use. She must have body image issues if she thinks she’s that bad.

4. Kitt!

Not really. That said, though, at the launch party for Ghost Recon: Whatever Part 3’s Called, when we’ve already had eight double vodka cranberries before we even got there, we’d probably try our patented pulling technique out on her (this involves staring at girls from quite far away, then hoping they come over and talk to us about games or the internet because they noticed us staring at them. Currently we’re at 0 for 278 with this technique, so it’s bound to work soon).

5. DISQUALIFIED: Jam!

We’ve put Jam last because we kind of, sort of, half know her a bit, having been made to meet her in a gay bar with lots of weird Goths once, so admitting to wanting to have sex with her (or not wanting to have sex with her at all) would make things even more awkward than they already are (and at the moment they’re already as awkward as carrying a fridge up some stairs on your own when only allowed to touch the fridge with your feet and the stairs with your face). That said, we’d *RESISTING REALLY HARD, HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE THROUGH GRITTED-TEETH SMILEY FACE*

SUMMARY:
It’s out of our hands.

GHOSTBUSTERS IS OUT ON MOTHERFUCKING UMD! Prepare for the downfall of society as no work gets done again EVER. From now on, if you EVER see us doing anything apart from telling the boss we’re going to go down to stores to cross-check last week’s inventory in order to go hide in the toilet with a pair of Elektroplankton headphones to watch Walther Peck get covered in marshmallows then THAT’S NOT US. Unless we’re doing the same in order to watch Bruce Boxleitner play a life or death game of pong with a fat man in tights.

It took us a while, but we actually managed to lower the bar to somewhere beneath the Earth’s crust.

Ahh, lovely Seaman. For six months in 2001 the talking fish was our best friend and pretty much the only thing we spoke to on a daily basis.

WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A FRIEND AGAIN!!!

The only people who should be panicking at this news is Sega’s shareholders.

We’re no experts in Japanese, but this image would appear to hint that Seaman 2 will come with its own controller and is going to be 42 something. Maybe it will cost 42 pounds, or have 42 characters, or use 42 channels for the sound. The stick layout is also a bit like a Dreamcast’s and the one that came with PS2 Seaman years ago. Pictures really do speak lots of words!

Let’s go and see what’s at www.seaman.tv together right now!

SHIT! THERE’S LOADS OF STUFF! It’s like Sega is still making quirky games for only 1000 people in the whole world to buy again! It’s like being young and not having knees that always hurt again! Let’s all be temporarily happy, before the numbing, miserable depression of everyday life sets in again. Yep, there it is. Stupid games. Stupid internet. Stupid exclamation marks. Stupid everything.

“n/t”

But here’s a nice screenshot of Sonic with sunglasses on his head. Yuji Naka obviously wasn’t paying attention to what hedgehogs are actually like when he went to that hedgehog sanctuary the other day.

Maybe the Japanese have only just started the trend of wearing sunglasses on their heads, so this doesn’t seem so rubbish to them?

OTHER ‘COOL’ THINGS SONIC MIGHT DO IN ‘SONIC RIDERS’

– Slam dunks!
– Chill out at McDs!
– Bust radical air!
– DJing! (mixing, scratching, wearing headphones on only one ear etc)
– Tag some billboards with his graffiti!
– Wheelies!
– Complete a Rubik Cube in 30 seconds!
– Breakdancing moves at the end of a level!
– Ask Tails to throw his hands in the air like he just don’t care!
– Cut his arms while listening to Joy Division and drinking SPAR vodka!