Archive for March, 2010:


Karl, who must live in a place where time passes more slowly than it does for the rest of us thereby allowing him to spend more time messing about on a computer for the benefit of a handful of people, has knocked up another of his games.

This one’s called “Cynoids”. The first picture’s the how-to-play screen.

cynoids instructions

“Here’s my latest game, one that unlike the dreadful ‘Imagine: Blogger’ and ‘Minigames of Parliament’ I have actually spent a lot of time on this one. You canput it up if you want. It’s a proper old-school scrolling shooter, like they don’t make any more. It’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to making something of a commercial standard.”

cynoids 1

“Also – the next game coming up (once I have recovered) is Sonic The Hedgehog – Reality Bytes, starring Sonic and Cream the Rabbit… :D” – Karl.

cynoids 3

We made it to the second level. Then had to stop for personal reasons. We’re yet to try Karl’s “Imagine: Blogger”.


The screaming started early.

Like some terrible, horrible cosmic clockwork giant spaceships descended from the sky, blotting out the sun over landmarks from California to Marrakech. The entire population of Earth stopped to gawp at these monstrosities, great dark shapes above the clouds. The ships descended further, and that’s when the screaming started.

The Cynoid bio-ships were a mockery of science – half organic, half ship, much like the species itself. The craft mixed high-tech pulsar weaponry and bleeding edge killware with docking bays made out of writhing, tumorous flesh.

These ships disgorged their deadly cargo, swarms of smaller ships and creatures of many different shapes and sizes. In London a man was torn apart by a floating flock of purple creatures covered in gaping maws. In Moscow the Kremlin was demolished by a skyscraper-sized leech-like creature with long spindly arms that leaked noxious fluid from its every pore. Paris was totally overwhelmed with purple maggots. They stripped the flesh from every living thing in the city within an hour.

Earth’s military forces were overwhelmed before they could be properly scrambled. Conventional firepower deflected from the hulls of the Cynoid ships like stones launched by an errant child. A battle unit in China faced up to a giant tank with a living, screaming humanoid face riveted to it. Their bullets pinged and rattled off its metal frame. Thousands of rounds chewed into the flesh on the vehicle, great chunks of bloody meat falling to the ground. One of its shining red eyes burst, viscous yellow fluid running down its cheek.

None of it did the slightest bit of good – the tank rolled over the whole regiment, bones crunching and bodies pulping under the vast wheels. Those who fled were blasted apart by the tank’s onboard armaments.

Amongst all this chaos the UN convened an emergency summit. The leaders of the greatest nations on Earth squabbled like a gaggle of petulant children, all blaming one another for their failings. Until Dr Aramosa called for science.

A thin, neat man in his mid-forties, with an eerily emotionless face and equally monotone delivery, he announced that he had a plan to get them all out of the mess they were in. Aramosa had been working on an experimental hard-fusion cannon. His speech nonetheless swayed the chamber, the leaders grasping at the little hope that was being offered to them.

Emergency field tests proved highly encouraging – the cannon could cut through the unidentified dark-grey metal the Cynoids built their tech from. The UN scrambled their tech bods to affix what cannons they could build onto space shuttles, reconfigured to be used as jet fighters and heavily armored to repel Cynoid fire.

They were able to buid twelve. Two of the ships combusted on takeoff, frying the crew and spewing flaming debris over Cape Canaveral. One more suffered from engine failure, and the plane dropped into the Grand Canyon. The pilot ejected, but was captured by a roving Cynoid drone, and taken away to be experimented on.

Of the nine left, you pilot one ship. Between you, you are humanity’s very last hope…

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We don’t believe anything actually “leaks” these days, apart from our [GRAPHIC MEDICAL REFERENCE DELETED], but blue-themed blog Sonic Stadium is currently linking to the entire soundtrack of Sonic 4 – which has, apparently, leaked.

The music files are on the internet here, if you’ve got nothing better to do than listen to Sonic music for the next 20 minutes while Googling “Train2Game” to see if anyone else has slagged them off today [NO THAT’S PROBABLY JUST ME].


Here’s a slightly related bonus piece from the THE GREATEST SONIC THE HEDGEHOG DESKTOP IMAGES IN THE WORLD series to illustrate this glorious update. We could’ve just used a screen capture of the sites in question, but went the extra mile.

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WARNING: Scenes of student hijinks.

WARNING: Scenes of men in tights.

WARNING: Scenes of young people having fun that may trigger middle-aged angst and feelings of worthlessness.

WARNING: Scenes of men being comfortable in the presence of women that may trigger middle-aged angst and feelings of worthlessness.

stundents-sonic-party 1

“I play for the University of Manchester ‘Korfball team’ – (it’s a Dutch mixed-sex sport that is kind of like volleyball). We take our sport Very seriously and as a result have various drinking socials throughout the weeks. We decided for our most recent to dress up as something everyone loves… Sonic!”

stundents-sonic-party 2

“Using the best costume accessories for under £10 from Primark we came up with some pretty awesome and horrific efforts.”

stundents-sonic-party 3

“I am enclosing some of the least criminal or offensive photos from the night that I have grabbed of Facebook!” – Nick.

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REASON FOR SALE: “My reason for sale is that I don’t use it much nowadays to be honest, and the space it takes up in my garage would be better used in other ways now. I never thought I’d sell it which is why I spent so much money and so many hours making it this nice, but things change”

daytona usa coin-op 1

That is not a good enough reason. How can you have one, then let it go? What’s better to do in a garage than play Daytona USA for free? The only thing we can think of is starting up your own methamphetamine factory.

daytona usa coin-op 2

There are still three days to go on the auction. We expect an email and photographic report from the eventual buyer.

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Glen found this. This magazine has been in his possession for many years, yet has only recently been rediscovered following what would appear to be a bit of a clear-out and, perhaps, some sort of life-reappraisal.

ulala magazine cover 1

“On the reverse side is a poster of Ulala that has been on my wall. Then it was under my bed for a while. Then just the other day I moved my bed for the first time in a long time. And then I had to find my camera” – Glen.

ulala magazine cover 2

We can only imagine with horror what other items were lurking beneath Glen’s bed.

ulala magazine cover 3

A sock.

ulala magazine cover 4

Maybe an old t-shirt.

ulala magazine cover 5

Possibly, for comic effect, it may have been better to end on a close-up of whatever that Mickey Mouse-like thing is, rather than the bottom.

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Can’t help it. This DOES look good. Doesn’t it? Surely we’re detached enough from SEGA these days to be able to judge things objectively?

Some words here and the rest of the shots here. We’re not risking exclamation marks until we play the thing, though. We’re still mentally fragile and can’t risk getting hurt again.

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By “low signal” we think she might mean a limp penis, and by “weak batteries” we think she might also mean a limp penis.


Taken from the profile of “SexyNative” over on bizarre “gaming dating” site GameCrush. We assume she’s attempting to associate penile penetration with video gaming there, ie, she might be available for paid sex once you’ve beaten her 20-0 in Halo 3 and got your confidence up.

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Here’s another update from “Glen”. Glen has the uncanny knack of finding things that are interesting, but never quite interesting enough to do as soon as he sends them in. We currently have three Glen-submitted draft updates ready for NEWS EMERGENCY days like today.

sega master system tom and jerry RARE

“This is from New Zealand’s equivalent of ebay, a site called Trade Me. I think the seller has carefully thought about the common practice of calling shit games *rare* and taken it to the next level – ‘You are bidding on a classic game and TV Show!!!!!!’. It was clearly this evolution in sales tactics that has lead to the 12+ views the auction has already received! I’m pretty sure I was taught in my English class that the more exclamation marks you use, the more excited you sound. Hence I shall end this communication with a full stop” – Glen.

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Wouldn’t mind one of those basketballs for a birthday, if you’re reading this in your riverside apartment MR NICE SUGAR DADDY.


And a hammer, although it looks like you’d struggle to inflict any meaningful damage with that. You’d probably have to hold the hammer’s head and use the shaft as a poking weapon and then strangle them with the cord. Offer ends 31 March, so get in there quick.

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This is like us going berserk over Dutch Elm Disease being allowed to rampage unchecked throughout the UK in the 60s and 70s, then going on television and trying to blame it all on Judy Finnigan.


Link taken from RPS. And we thought Alan was such a nice man.

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