Entries in the ‘GONZO’ Category:

MAN DIDN’T BUY (SMALL) SONIC BALLOON

Here’s Sonic doing a bit of work for charity, by bravely volunteering his likeness for a balloon sold in hospital receptions. So dads can buy a balloon for their child when it’s in hospital, offsetting the massive guilt triggered by enjoying the peace and quiet at home.

dunstable-hospital-balloon

“I was working in Queens Hospital Romford this week and as I was walking through the entrance I was stopped in my tracks by this balloon! It was being sold at £2.99 and had gone by the time I had finished my job. Enjoy! From Mike in Dunstable (that’s where King Henry VIII got divorced from Catherine of Aragon WOW!)” – Mike, in Dunstable, where…

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ALTERNATIVE ANGLES AND IMAGERY OF THE ‘SEGA REPUBLIC’ IN DUBAI

One of our semi-regular, globe-trotting contributors who’s sent in sightings of exotic batteries from at least three of the globe’s corners, has recently stopped off in Dubai – where he visited the mighty SEGA Republic.

He didn’t provide much in the way of commentary.

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“Apologies in advance if this was already sent in by someone else ages ago. An otherwise dull stop in at Dubai, but I discovered a SEGA Republic at one of the big malls.”

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“Hope the pictures are worth the three euros I had to spend to just get in. PS: I skipped over the batteries because I thought you were done with that :(” – KEXP.

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At least SEGA has hit upon a new money-making scheme – charging people to get into a place. Then it doesn’t matter how miserable and empty it is inside.

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Photos taken with a Panasonic Lumix DMC-FX01.

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This photo taken while looking up.

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He then walked around and took this one. It really is like being there, and we didn’t even have to spend three euros to enjoy this virtual tour.

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And let’s end on a low note.

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NINTENDOLAND HAS ALSO FALLEN INTO DISREPAIR

This doesn’t make us quite so sad. In fact, it goes some way toward making up for Nintendo’s lies about the Mega Drive that still hurt and bleed.

Nitendoland - faded glory

From “a rather disappointing ride at a recent fireworks festival”.

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GET YOUR SEGA NEWS HERE!

Need some SEGA news? Simply pop up to Shoreditch and visit the SEGA NEWS FOOD AND WINE SHOP. What more does a man need than SEGA NEWS, FOOD and some WINE?

SEGA NEWS!

THE FUNCTIONAL EMAIL: “Hi. Don’t know if you’ve had this before, but here’s a picture of a newsagent near Shoreditch that has the word SEGA in its name. Cheers, Andy”

Thanks, Andy. Thanks for saving us the LIVING HELL of going to Shoreditch and walking among the 1000s of art students with asymmetric hair and huge, ironic, white sunglasses and taking the photo ourselves.

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MORE LARA CROFT MODEL PORN

Deeply unsettling or just a bit of harmless fun? It’s time for another exciting walk along the UKR tightrope of taste and decency!

Secondary sexual organs - check!

If closely analysing a child’s toy for signs of primary and secondary sexual organs is wrong, we don’t want to be right.

Plastic toy armpit fetish

These photos were submitted by a reader. It is not us that has the plastic toy armpit fetish.

Nipples?

And one with the flash, just in case using the flash shows up any additional detail, like, say, nipples.

NIPPLEGATE

And a close-up with the flash, just in case this shows up any nipples. It would appear Eidos has vetoed nipples :(

Not even the outline of a bra :(

Still no nipples. Not even the outline of a bra. This is rubbish.

Toes

Nice toe definition.

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WEIRD SONIC ACTIVITY UPDATE

These are the weird things Sonic has been spotted doing recently. We’ve been saving some of these for nearly a year, although, looking at them now, it wasn’t particularly worthwhile.

Do do do do-do-do (Starlight Zone)

Sonic was spotted fronting a back street karaoke bar in Japan.

Copyright theft

“Hey, this is from a health food store window in London, Ontario, in Canada. You guys rejected my request on Xbox Live but you must get a lot anyways. But I’ll let you know once I get my Live account up and running again. Hope you like the pic.”

This is Sonic, spotted breakdancing at the French ‘Micromania Game Show’. It will be taken off YouTube by the time you read this, as that’s what always happens.

These are of Sonic, spotted endorsing a Meccano rip-off building contest in Stockholm! Thanks for the photos, man from Stockholm.

Some nice Sonic graffiti, upon which a heartless vandal has drawn on a very small penis.

Sonic/Shadow/bitches

This final photo of Sonic and his bitches concludes today’s list of weird things Sonic has been spotted doing recently. Chicks are hot for animals that are into Meccano and breakdancing, apparently.

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ADDING TO THE SEGA ISN'T DEAD THEME

Here’s an email we got, including hi-res digital photos and well labeled captions for each picture. It also included a scene-setting introductory paragraph. It is the exact kind of email that makes updating the site more fun – ie, it makes updating the site take only two minutes.

THE SCENE-SETTING INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH:
“Just to add to the SEGA isn’t dead theme, thought I’d send you pics of an even bigger SEGA place in Okayama, Joypolis. Just think! It’ll look like SEGA is in the middle of its glory days or something if there are two whole updates about it.”

“Look how big it is! It has arcades, bowling and karaoke, all with Sonic! (best to ignore a large part of it is restaurants). Look at the red archway you drive under to the parking area! It says Joyful Town! And if you look closely at the Joypolis sign it says…”

“…Legend of SEGA! Don’t know what Dendo for Amusement means though.”

“Look! Sonic is everywhere! Big signs on the wall! Small signs on the street! Sonic Karaoke promises hip hop, reggae, soul, rock, jazz and techno. Even better, inside they had the best version of OutRun possible…”

“…it’s four cars next to each other, with two steering wheels so you can play with a friend if you have one. There are cameras in your car which show your faces up on the screen, but as you can tell, only one weird looking guy was playing it by himself.”

“I actually played this with a ‘girl’ and it is great. The control switches every so often so it’s exciting, and later you can laugh about how much fun it was while touching her arm to associate good feelings with you in her mind. Finally they had…”

“…SEGA Driving School! Although if the standard of driving is anything to go by it just teaches you to pull out in front of cars while deliberately not looking in their direction and pretending you haven’t seen them.”

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THE NEW *BEST* AND *MOST EXCITING* SEGA PHOTOGRAPH!

It’s that tie again, only this time provided at the sort of photo quality and resolution usually reserved for pictures of the mimsys of 16-year-old East European girls in arty porn:

A mate of a mate's mate's Sonic tie in Japan at a wedding

The photo came with a story to do with it being a mate of a mate’s mate’s wedding and a mate’s mate was wearing it and it all happened in Japan. We only speed-read the email, as it was sent in by a man called Colin.

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THE NEATEST BEARD IN VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT

And it belongs to Assassin’s Creed creative director Patrice Desilets. That’s him on the right. Patrice is a man’s name in French bits of the world, apparently.

Patrice Desilets - trimmed

Of particular note is his facial expression. He knows he’s not really supposed to be in this photo of Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond. Everyone likes Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond and he’s being careful not to get in the way of any important bits of her body.

Shaved at base

Here’s a close-up of that beard. The trimming is perfection! Anyone who’s ever experimented with facial hair will know that the neckline is several hours of work alone, and the uniformity of length is nothing short of a masterpiece. We can only hope he’s being this meticulous in his work on Assassin’s Creed!

She's doing the pink menu screens really slowly and holding everyone up

And this is her, Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond, the one everyone likes. Frankly, textbook chin-down-shoulders-back-look-and-smile up or not, we’re still not convinced video game development is the right place for a woman to be, regardless of how many WOMEN GAMERS IN GAMES conferences Aleks Krotoski has organised in her flat this month. They literally just don’t really understand games.

JERRY’S FINAL THOUGHTS:
Still, as long as Ubisoft manages to get acres of press coverage by shoving poor Jade in front of every game journalist’s Casio Exilim while pretending it’s doing it for “equality” rather than “here’s a pretty girl from our office you can talk to about texture maps,” it’ll be worth it.

OTHER PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE REASONS TO NOT LIKE UBISOFT:

  • It releases the same squad-based game only with a different name at least five times a year, triggering a Pavlovian reaction in us that makes us turn off everything electrical in the house upon hearing the phrase “Tom Clancy’s…”.

  • Being MADE to review Splinter Cell because no one ever wants to review Splinter Cell because Splinter Cell is boring, too hard and rubbish, and only liked by weirdos who pay fat prostitutes to sandpaper their cocks in dungeons at the weekend while they let out the tears of pain away from the wife and kids.
  • It has announced a Wii game called Horsez 2 and if that isn’t a sign that another video game crash is no more than six months away, we don’t know what is.
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    THE *NEW* WORLD'S MOST BORING SEGA PHOTOGRAPH!

    A Sonic tie. Not only is it a boring photo of something boring, it’s also blurred and you can only see part of the back of it. Sheer banal genius:

    A man's friend's Sonic tie

    Tomorrow: the underneath of someone’s Mega Drive power supply.

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