At least it’s nice that everything’s out in the open.

We cannot sit idly by and watch the greatest PR disaster of our time unfold without passing comment. We have therefore acquired SPECIAL DISPENSATION for a one-off commemorative update celebrating Sony’s latest global crisis.

Obviously we are not savages. We feel a small pang of pity for those 77 million PlayStation Network users about to find their credit card and password details up on The Pirate Bay in a convenient multi-part RAR file…

…but that small, annoying pang of humanity is easily eclipsed by the MASSIVE FEELINGS OF JOY that come from seeing Sony’s already damaged reputation SPREAD TO THE FOUR WINDS across ALL MEDIA OUTLETS. Even the ones for women.

Anyway. That’s it. Just had a few capital letters building up and it was either put them up here or start shouting at the wife. Carry on with your lives.

It’s time. Or rather, it was time about three years ago and we have only just got around to making it formal.

I’m going out. Might be some time. Save me a few of those Sonic The Hedgehog pasta shapes, if they haven’t gone rotten inside the tin. Thanks for everything, everyone. It’s been character defining.

Today marks the UK launch of the 3DS, and thousands of COMPLETE IDIOTS queued all night just to get their hands on one.

Here’s the list of launch games for the 3DS:
PilotWings Resort
Steel Diver
Kid Icarus: Uprising
Mario Kart 3DS
Nintendogs
Animal Crossing
StarFox 64 3D
Paper Mario

Nothing really exciting in that lineup worth forking out £200 for. Also you could add the prefix “Yet another…” to most of those games. Does the world really need another Mario Kart? Really?

Bonus material – Nintendo employed a woman to hold their product in a hideous flash-driven piece of promo fluff on their site.

Seems to have the basic idea, but loses points for thumb placement. 6/10

It happened a few days ago but I couldn’t be bothered to post at the time

Various sequels won awards against a backdrop of pretentious idiots quaffing champagne.

Gemma Atkinson was there. Do people still fancy her?

Ben Kingsley and his missus turned up (surprisingly). He must’ve got muddled up and thought it was the film one instead

Iain Lee was (predictably) there

Blue were (hilariously) living up to their name

That’s your lot for another seven days!

Someone else is having a coming-of-age eBay sale. Mr “Funky Dung” had access to quite a range of promotional merchandise, it would seem. Or just lots of money to throw at import shops.

He no longer wants to continue carrying this very absorbent-looking Dreamcast towel about with him every time he moves house.

He also has an “MTV ‘The Lick’ & Dreamcast crossover t-shirt from when Sega tried and failed to make Dreamcast hip” up for grabs. Good luck.

During GDC 2011, Yu Suzuki stated that he thinks Sega will allow him to make Shenmue 3, provided he doesn’t get carried away with the budget and can guarantee healthy sales.

So there you have it.

If they don’t make it now, we’ll all be mad and slag them off.

If they do make it, we’ll slag them off anyway and say it’s shit.

It’s your call Sega. Just don’t let Sonic Team anywhere near it please.

LG corporation has filed a patent complaint against Sony – and the European court has temporarily ruled in LG’s favour. This means “all new PS3s have to be confiscated” as they enter the EU.

Basically, the Brussels bureaucrats are earning their salaries for once and doing something more useful than arguing about the metric system. Here’s a photograph illustrating one fantastic LG brand:

Read actual facts about the amazing European PlayStation3 EMBARGO over on the Guardian. Thousands of PS3s have already been seized by our glorious European leaders! Waterboard the pieces of shit until their warranties expire.

*Hurriedly reappraises personal stance on Nintendo console*

Will need to be hidden in the same place previous generations hid their VHS copy of ‘The Lover’s Guide’. From The Sun.

Here’s an image you can use for one of today’s updates, if you still have us in your RSS reader.

For those of you who haven’t been following, Kotaku’s publisher Gawker did something like moving from Blogger to WordPress or something like that and no one liked it very much. It was a bit like when we made the background blue, only this was noticed by more than 50 people.