Archive for September, 2009:

AN OPINION ABOUT “GAMESWIPE”

Everyone was excited about Gameswipe, because it looked like being a bit of “proper” games TV. As in, it might have interesting opinions and views, rather than being a woman with a passable face talking about the new promotional footage they got sent over from EA to illustrate the week’s new releases.

If you can make iPlayer work where you live, you can watch it here. The ace opening titles are highlight #1.

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First of all, we had to remember what room of the house the television was in. Where was it last? When did we last watch anything LIVE as it was broadcast on the common people’s entertainment medium?

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It was in the bedroom, in the corner there underneath all the clothes. Now, the remote control… and what buttons do you press to make it work? Right. Gosh, look how many new channels there are these days. Anyway…

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Charile’s got a wonky face, used to work on a games magazine and is angry all the time. He is one of us. He’s so much like one of us that he really shouldn’t be allowed to do nice things, like be on the television where women will get to look at him.

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But he was. And as of this morning, Gameswipe’s the #2 most popular thing to watch on iPlayer. Let’s try not to be too angry about those facts and attempt to review the programme impartially.

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We were terrified it was going to be shit, as that would make it look like we’re trying to be all cool AGAIN by saying something popular’s shit on the internet to get attention.

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But it wasn’t, and cheering was heard from all the houses in the street when Sonic appeared at the 6:28 point. It looks like Gameswipe is going to be OK!

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Gameswipe did one thing very well – it articulated the puzzling way games are VERY POPULAR WITH EVERYONE, yet no one seems to know how to put them on telly. And when they do get on the telly, it’s usually some idiot who doesn’t understand them who’s been given the job of talking about them.

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There’s some brilliant archive footage and TV adverts in it, including this seminal shot of Dave Perry and Big Boy Barry. Charlie said something funny about this moment. We won’t attempt to appear funny by association by reproducing it here.

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It also managed not to be ironic about the old days. It was factual when it needed to be. A bit too much like a catalogue listing products in places, but for the adult, arty, BBC4 audience it was aimed that, that was what it had to be to make them understand.

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Don’t usually like this man, but he made a good point about giving up after 11 percent. Even the Castle/Consolevania men were acceptable.

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He calls 50 Cent an embarrassing piece of shit, says MMORPGs are rubbish and isn’t exactly holding himself open for Wii. Job done. We won’t spoil any more, just in case you’ve got a torrent on the download and it’s what you were planning on doing tonight.

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Definitely not shit. Probably the best and fairest games TV show there’s ever been, even including all those episodes of GamesMaster that are better in our minds now than they were when they came out. Wouldn’t mind a whole series of it, please, if there’s any budget leftover from paying celebrities to dance about.

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LET’S HAVE A POO, WITH AMY ROSE

Kotaku is encroaching on our turf, bothering to take photos of the toilet signs in a Japanese arcade. Brian didn’t take any pictures from within the toilets, though. He is not that far gone yet. Photos found (ie, seen on Kotaku) by “Eggobots”.

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That’s Sonic. We don’t want to think about Sonic having a wee, and certainly wouldn’t want to be in the cubicle next to him when he does a poo. At least he’d be done quickly, so we could relax.

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That’s Amy. We would like to think about Amy having a wee. Not sure if we’d like to think about Amy having a poo, though. We’ll try thinking about Amy having a poo later and see how it goes.

AMY ROSE POO FAN FICTION PRELIMINARY NOTES
Suppose it depends what she’s been eating. Maybe if you factor in a nice, healthy meal beforehand as part of the story arc, then she can do nice little vegetarian poos like a rabbit. And if they were round, they’d collect in your belly button and wouldn’t make a mess on the sheets.

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GT5’s SHIT FLOATY-CAR PHYSICS

This looks rubbish.

PLEASE NOTE: We’re not being needlessly picky or all cool or anything just because it’s by Sony, but floaty cars that don’t move about on their suspension and stop dead upon contact with walls look very, very, very poor in this day and age.

It has the look of a boring game that hasn’t been done very well, that’s all.

But yes, the cars are very shiny. Well done on spending three years doing that, Polyphony.

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TRAIN2GAME OUTED BY INVESTIGATIVE READER

That odd game design training thing we got sent the other day is apparently a known offender. It has a “rep” that is in serious need of levelling up.

Here are a few recordings of a Train2Game presentation. They were made by a reader. They are not that visually impressive, it’s mainly an audio-based update unless you really like radiators.

“I had a sales rep from Train2Game actually come round to my house because I was interested in what they were offering. I also recorded most of it as I’d heard before the sales rep came that T2G was a scam”.

“I stuck my findings on youtube so people can decide for themselves if they think I witnessed a scam or sales pitch”.

“And I also made a cut for people that dont have much time and still want to see the funny bits” – Simon.

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SEGA RACING CLASSIC TM

Shit name. Amazing everything else. Amusement arcade operators might have a reason not to chuck it all in and give up next year.

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Merely looking at it quickens the heart. Taken from here. A man called “Alex” emailed us about this last week, saying “My buddy told me that SEGA Racing Classic is actually a remake of the original Daytona USA. It’ll show up at the next AOU expo in early 2010″.

Also from Alex. Daytona USA on the telly in Australia.

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ELECTRONIC ARTS IN NEW “STAFF ABUSE” SCANDAL

EA made its booth babes at TGS wear ill-fitting promotional t-shirts. She’s not wearing much make-up because she’s just sobbed it all off in the toilets.

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The poor thing. All she can do is take solace from being allowed to accessorise.

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Microsoft opted for visible green bras, which is why it’s doing much better in the territory these days. Photos taken from a frankly disappointing Famitsu booth babe update. This had better just be a Day One teaser set before the men with confidence and proper cameras arrive and start telling them to lick their fingers.

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DO YOU WANT A SECURE FUTURE WITH TRANSFERABLE SKILLS?

Who signed us up for a jobs mailing list? That’s not funny. It hurts. Do you think it’s easy sitting here on the internet for 16 hours a day watching people boasting about what they’re blowing their disposable income on?

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Clicking on the link takes you here, which seems to be a front for getting you to sign up to a training course here. Unless you’re planning on moving to Canada in the next decade, don’t bother.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS

Do you want it wrapped, or is it OK to leave it in the Amazon packaging?

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Your other present is a DVD. Not sure which one yet.

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Wii YOGA GAME PROMISES “100% EXPERIENCE”

Anja Rubik will yoga you until completion.

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She is available for outcalls to your home from November of 2009, for an RRP yet to be confirmed. If it’s less than £40, that’s a very good price for getting 100%-ed by an international model.

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Anja is an international model who just so happens to be into yoga. The game’s web site has some low-resolution photos of her in more challenging poses.

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We would like to see her demonstrate the “Razzle pile up” with several of her friends.

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We are allowed to say all this because it’s for a game.

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THINGS THAT ARE QUITE GOOD CONSIDERING THEY’RE DONE BY AMERICANS TRYING TO BE FUNNY#1: THE DEEPENING

That’s “The Deepening”. It’s an interactive video thing with presentation like a game, so you modern people feel comfortable with it. You can’t (or at least we can’t) embed the thing, so here’s a link to it and a still image.

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“Hey there UK Resistance. I thought you may be interested in Atom.com’s new game, The Deepening. It’s an 8-bit-inspired, playable web comedy short video – think those old “select your own adventure” books, but as a totally interactive video game with multiple endings and paths that the user can control” – Atom.com person.

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