Entries in the ‘MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)’ Category:

TODAY'S UPDATE IS JUST A COUPLE OF PHOTOGRAPHS

Sometimes the simple ones are the best.

Tomb Raider beachy playtime

Tomb Raider beachy playtime

We’ve already managed two over the top one and are saving the second one for the evening session.

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GIRL GAMERS STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND

She’s American, therefore she is not being ironic in this photograph. That expression is her ‘being sexy’ expression.

Try chewing on the power lead next time

We’d rather take a course of gay drugs and put Master Chief’s balls in our mouths than spend a second in the company of any of these controller-kissing cliches.

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AN UPDATE THAT'S NOT ABOUT PS3 BEING A DISASTER

We interrupt our boring, stuck-record, didn’t-you-make-all-these-jokes-in-1999?, anti-PlayStation3 rants for a second, to bring you some photos of miserable-but-hot girls dressed up like Final Fantasy characters.

Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 1

Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 2

Final Fantasy cosplay bitches 3, 4 and 5

Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 6

TOMORROW: our PS3 looming Euro-disaster happy-as-pigs-in-shit-fest continues.

Men in fleeces :(

And this is the reality of the FFXII launch event. Fat men in fleeces.

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SEXY SUDOKU – PC REVIEW

We’ve just been sent a copy of Sexy Sudoku which attempts to liven up the dull organising-numbers-for-businessmen-on-trains quiz by including photos of naked women.

SEXY SUDOKU!

About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It’s something like “all the numbers have to add up to 12″ or maybe “make all the boxes add up to the same number”.

SEXY SUDOKU!

The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don’t bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.

SEXY SUDOKU!

We’ll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren’t actually the rules, so we’ll be here for a very long time otherwise.

SEXY SUDOKU!

You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid ‘points’! It’d be huge.

SEXY SUDOKU!

The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children’s TV.

SEXY SUDOKU!

It’s taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you’re wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you’re right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.

SEXY SUDOKU!

We solved it! She’s impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.

SEXY SUDOKU!

Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.

SEXY SUDOKU!

But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman’s Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.


IDEAS FOR MORE ‘SEXY’ GAMES

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 100 bananas = banana goes in mouth

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 1000 bananas = banana goes in bottom

SEXY SONIC: 100 rings = item of Cream’s clothing comes off

SEXY SONIC: 1000 rings = Cream loses all inhibitions after eating one of those mushrooms in the background and you have 15 minutes with her limp body before she realises what’s happening.

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GIRLS, PLAYING Wii

Literally hundreds of them. Well, at least 15, which is still a lot when you consider the search terms (girls, playing, Wii, photos, of, naked, XXX). And they obviously don’t mind you looking as they’ve put the photos on the internet for looking at:

Flickr Wii girls

More Flickr Wii girls

Yet more Flickr Wii girls

Yes, it's more more Flickr Wii girls

It’s amazing what you stumble across while searching for Thai ladyboy party piss porn.

None particularly hot, it has to be said

Too lanky

Too trashy

Looks like a ringer

They may not be fully aware of what they’re doing or what’s happening, but at least it looks like they’re having fun. Well done, Nintendo. Go and knock yourself out.

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NINTENDO Wii IS *DEFINITELY* MEANT FOR WOMEN

Here’s another Wii advertorial, this time from the pages of woman’s magazine Glamour. And you thought the DS Lite was a bit effeminate…

Wii - For girls

We, er, accidentally bought this while meaning to buy Nuts or Zoo. Or FHM or Maxim or that one about cars.

Pink pages. Nice touch. That’ll draw them in.

Still, we mustn’t complain. If “the girls” want to stay in and play video games while we go out to drink Stella and snort poppers at strip clubs, that’s just fine by us. Sounds like a great emerging new world order, in fact.

We think this panel might be hinting at the fact you can stick it up your fanny.

Just like any other party, only with a games machine awkwardly tagged onto the bottom. You go, girls.

Keep checking Glamour magazine for more Wii exclusives!

ALSO IN GLAMOUR MAGAZINE THIS MONTH:

  • 50 really obvious arguments for car journeys

  • A thing about how celebrities are fat so you feel better
  • Lots of rubbish albums given 5/5
  • How having shoes is better than being thin
  • Comments (38)

    ‘MISS VIDEO GAME’

    The organisers sound worthy enough, but you know it’s mainly about getting girls to send in photos. Like these:

    Yes, let’s celebrate the diversity of the female gaming community by picking which one is the hottest out of a big online meat catalogue. It’s enough to make you almost pity girl gamers… but not quite. They’re the ones that sent in their photos after all.

    PAGE 5, ROW 2, FURTHEST ON THE RIGHT:
    Browse the meat catalogue here. Hopefully it’s all one big sting, and as the girls walk through the doors of the venue there’s no floor – just a slippery ramp leading down to a huge mincing machine. We’d certainly buy some girl sausages. Even though some of them look a bit gristly.

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    HOW NINTENDO IS SELLING Wii TO WOMEN (GETTING FIT AND ANIMAL CROSSING)

    This is a promotional (ie, paid for by Nintendo) advertorial (ie, an advert pretending to be part of the magazine) in UK magazine Prima.

    What’s unusual about this is that Prima isn’t a video game magazine, it’s a magazine about clothes and shopping and diets and “Ooh! This one’s got flowers on it!” aimed at bored housewives.

    Wii - For unrealistic families that don't exist

    Nintendo is saying that Wii is family fun that could stop your wayward 14-year-old daughter huffing lighter fluid and wanking off boys in stolen cars. Before you know it your family will be like a family from a TV sitcom instead of like a family from the news, all thanks to the unifying family force of… Nintendo Wii.

    Time indoors = wanking time

    “Time indoors can be quality time too”. It’s nice to see a positive spin applied to the world’s most anti-social hobby.

    She's called Kerisha

    We’ve got another girlfriend off MySpace.

    Wii ANIMAL CROSSING! YES GOD YES!

    AND WHAT IS THIS?! Has Nintendo granted the Wii Animal Crossing world exclusive first-look to UK woman magazine Prima?!

    Wiirobics

    The “health benefits of a little light exercise”? Nintendo is trying to make Wii sound like something that will make fat women thin. This could be a genius move. After all, this is how we became lettuce millionaires in the early 1980s.

    Period Pain Special

    Prima – first for Nintendo Wii exclusives. And also for stuff about PMT and hormone replacement therapy and what trousers to wear to the office party.

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    68 PHOTOS OF BOOTH BABES AND COSPLAYERS FROM THE TOKYO GAME SHOW [512Mb WARNING]

    Obviously we didn’t go to the Tokyo Game Show, due to not being important, respected, liked, trusted, influential, reliable, popular or responsible enough. But we did the next best thing – we got someone who was going to take photos of all the identical little Japanese girl things!

    As ever, we expected to get back maybe three unusable blurry photos taken from too far away using the most fashionable and very latest mobile phones. But no! Our ‘anonymous source’ totally delivered, saying he “felt like a right dirty old man at first but everyone’s at it” and that “they’re very forthcoming and don’t mind posing at all. Especially the cosplayers. They just love showing off and flashing their bits for the camera”.

    Here’s the meat:

    If you think we’re writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.

    Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.

    We’d like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.

    If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there’s no way we’re bothering to check that 68 links work.

    Doesn’t that thing she’s doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant ‘put your tongue in me’. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.

    This is the one we pondered over most. She’s weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.

    Too westernised. 4/10.

    Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.

    What a lovely smile! This photo must’ve been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she’s bending down.

    This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.

    Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.

    Yes, there’s still lots more. This is the halfway point.

    We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says “Read more” that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us ‘headhunted’ by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.

    At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.

    Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.

    More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!

    Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.

    This is a character from some Japanese game. It’s probably quite close to how she looks in the game.

    Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.

    Even Japanese women can’t think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007’s show.

    We’d really like to get our hands on that – then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.

    PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar’s Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!

    Sorry if you’re on a capped broadband service. You’ve just used up all of September and October’s allowance.

    That’s it. That’s what happens to the “main page” when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

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    THE TOMB RAIDER MODEL HAS AGED BADLY

    This is what four months of being pawed and abused by cretins like us can do to a woman:

    Chewed up and spat out

    They’re making her do her own hair now the budget’s been spent. We’re officially downgrading her from a Category A ‘immediately marry’ to a Category C ‘would let put it in mouth’.

    Comments (12)