We’ve already managed two over the top one and are saving the second one for the evening session.

We’d rather take a course of gay drugs and put Master Chief’s balls in our mouths than spend a second in the company of any of these controller-kissing cliches.

TOMORROW: our PS3 looming Euro-disaster happy-as-pigs-in-shit-fest continues.

And this is the reality of the FFXII launch event. Fat men in fleeces.

About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It’s something like “all the numbers have to add up to 12” or maybe “make all the boxes add up to the same number”.

The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don’t bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.

We’ll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren’t actually the rules, so we’ll be here for a very long time otherwise.

You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid ‘points’! It’d be huge.

The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children’s TV.

It’s taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you’re wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you’re right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.

We solved it! She’s impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.

Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.

But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman’s Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.

It’s amazing what you stumble across while searching for Thai ladyboy party piss porn.

They may not be fully aware of what they’re doing or what’s happening, but at least it looks like they’re having fun. Well done, Nintendo. Go and knock yourself out.

We, er, accidentally bought this while meaning to buy Nuts or Zoo. Or FHM or Maxim or that one about cars.

Pink pages. Nice touch. That’ll draw them in.

Still, we mustn’t complain. If “the girls” want to stay in and play video games while we go out to drink Stella and snort poppers at strip clubs, that’s just fine by us. Sounds like a great emerging new world order, in fact.

We think this panel might be hinting at the fact you can stick it up your fanny.

Just like any other party, only with a games machine awkwardly tagged onto the bottom. You go, girls.

Keep checking Glamour magazine for more Wii exclusives!

Yes, let’s celebrate the diversity of the female gaming community by picking which one is the hottest out of a big online meat catalogue. It’s enough to make you almost pity girl gamers… but not quite. They’re the ones that sent in their photos after all.

Nintendo is saying that Wii is family fun that could stop your wayward 14-year-old daughter huffing lighter fluid and wanking off boys in stolen cars. Before you know it your family will be like a family from a TV sitcom instead of like a family from the news, all thanks to the unifying family force of… Nintendo Wii.

“Time indoors can be quality time too”. It’s nice to see a positive spin applied to the world’s most anti-social hobby.

We’ve got another girlfriend off MySpace.

AND WHAT IS THIS?! Has Nintendo granted the Wii Animal Crossing world exclusive first-look to UK woman magazine Prima?!

The “health benefits of a little light exercise”? Nintendo is trying to make Wii sound like something that will make fat women thin. This could be a genius move. After all, this is how we became lettuce millionaires in the early 1980s.

Prima – first for Nintendo Wii exclusives. And also for stuff about PMT and hormone replacement therapy and what trousers to wear to the office party.

If you think we’re writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.

Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.

We’d like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.

If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there’s no way we’re bothering to check that 68 links work.

Doesn’t that thing she’s doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant ‘put your tongue in me’. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.

This is the one we pondered over most. She’s weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.

Too westernised. 4/10.

Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.

What a lovely smile! This photo must’ve been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she’s bending down.

This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.

Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.

Yes, there’s still lots more. This is the halfway point.

We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says “Read more” that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us ‘headhunted’ by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.

At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.

Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.

More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!

Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.

This is a character from some Japanese game. It’s probably quite close to how she looks in the game.

Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.

Even Japanese women can’t think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007’s show.

We’d really like to get our hands on that – then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.

PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar’s Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!

Sorry if you’re on a capped broadband service. You’ve just used up all of September and October’s allowance.

That’s it. That’s what happens to the “main page” when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

They’re making her do her own hair now the budget’s been spent. We’re officially downgrading her from a Category A ‘immediately marry’ to a Category C ‘would let put it in mouth’.