Archive for February, 2010:

ENEMY USING SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING TO TRAP CONSUMERS INTO CONSIDERING “HEAVY RAIN”

Here’s a new controversy that will surely set Twitter AFIRE WITH RAGE – our national broadcaster has been taking backhanders from the enemy in order to promote its latest cash-burning PlayStation3 software development to consumers.

Or perhaps this is a warning. Be wary of overly-hyped, big budget releases that are simply too important for anyone to say they’re shit until they’ve been out for well a year. Oh yes, THEN everyone will bravely pipe-up about it PERHAPS being a bit overrated. SCUM. ALL OF YOU. SCUM.

Not you, Nazaneen. Everyone else.

heavy rain

“I was keeping abreast of the local news this evening, being entertained by Polly Evans and the male presenter bloke on ‘South East Today’, with the mix of quirky and non-interesting stories gradually eating away at my soul. Then the weather came on, where Nazaneen Ghaffar showed us how much were going to get pissed on for the next few days, with soon after, some blatant advertising for the PlayStation3 exclusive (but not as good as Shenmue) ‘Triple-A title’ Heavy Rain. To me this seems a little TOO convenient to be a coincidence, with the UK release of Heavy Rain being this Friday. The enemy has infiltrated the BBC, or Nazaneen, or maybe both” – Sam.

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FROM THE MAKER OF “SONIC THE HEDGEHOG”

Karl, who made that odd gangster-based Sonic game, has already bashed out another entirely separate release in a whole new genre. The likes of Bungie and Epic would do well to learn from Karl’s superb work ethic.

Here’s his latest work, entitled Zero Quest. You can download it here, if you think this sort of this is appealing:

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“I would like to thank you for putting up my first proper attempt at a game (that cheese-dream Sonic The Hedgehog game). That has inspired me to go and actually take up making games as a hobby. I actually got my next proper one featured in Retro Gamer, which made me quite proud.”

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“I have just finished a game that parodies Nintendo’s Legend of Zelda. I have attached it for you. You can upload it if you want, if you have a slow day.”

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“I have hidden Dreamcast spirals in the game, as a thankyou to you. I also attach an image to prove this. They appear in a hidden area, where old video game characters drink themselves into oblivion to blot out the fact that they are now forgotten. I thought it was touchingly fitting” – Karl.

AN APOLOGY:

We are sorry to RetroCoders for not mentioning his/their Xbox Live Indie game Adventures of Sid. We were going to, then took too long about it, then it was mentioned again, then it seemed a bit awkward AND THEN we started to feel bad about it. Sorry. It won’t happen again.

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A COUPLE OF SONIC 4 SCREENSHOTS

Someone has broken the UNSPOKEN RULE about not taking screenshots of certain things obtained by using certain procedures and putting them on the internet, but that’s their problem not ours.

sonic 4 screens 1

That looks very pretty. We’d be tempted to bust out an exclamation mark, were it not the same old boss battle from Sonic 1 in high-res.

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Dazzling. We are happy today.

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SONIC THE BALLOON ANIMAL SPOTTED AT “AOU 2010″

Hey kids! Have you ever wanted to see a balloon animal version of Sonic The Hedgehog? No? Well fuck you. You do what we say until you turn 18.

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“I attended AOU 2010 last Saturday and I thought you might like to see where SEGA of Japan is putting its marketing money: balloon animals.”

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“Also have another one of the Sonic suit without people gawking at it should you need it” – Danny.

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No thanks, Danny. You have already provided more than enough. And thanks for persevering and thanks for sending in six 4.3MB photos even though we’ve only used the three.

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We would’ve turned around and walked away from the venue, after being confronted with that logo.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

- The American Ornithologists’ Union

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“KIRSTEN DUNST – TURNING JAPANESE”

Video seems to be based around pointing video cameras at Japanese people because they often wear brightly-coloured clothes. It’s directed by “McG” – a man who has to be respected for managing to kill the Terminator with only a film camera as a weapon.


Watch Kirsten Dunst “Turning Japanese” in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

You can see several SEGA logos in the video, is why it’s on here. Thanks to the man who doesn’t want to say what his name is (understandable) for sending it in.

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A MAN WANTS A FREE ADVERT FOR HIS VIDEO GAMES T-SHIRT WEB SITE

So we might as well give it to him, in the name of maintaining positive consumer relations – even though one of them’s about Mario and another one of them’s about Final Fantasy AND we don’t even make $0.02 each time you buy one.

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“We are an upcoming video game t-shirt brand comprised of graphic designer game super geeks! Our t-shirts are 100% original, professionally designed and screen printed. Our t-shirts delve a little deeper than the thousands of others out there, we get the need for gamers to represent but also the need for subtlety.”

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“I would grateful if you could feature us on UK:RESISTANCE, being a British based site I think it would sit well. I have attached a few examples of our shirts” – Dean.

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Thanks, Dean. If by any chance you sell 1000 t-shirts today, can we have a cut to buy a cup of coffee and a sandwich with? Only a cheap sandwich, nothing fancy from Pret. An egg mayo from Greggs would be a huge treat.

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IMAGINE: JOURNALIST

Keep seeing this mentioned on the internet, but assumed it was just a joke about the depths Ubisoft might foreseeably plumb in one possible future. But Play.com wouldn’t feature a product listing page for a joke thing, would it?

imagine journalist

In our case, we’re holding out for post-recession sequel “Remember When You Used To Be A Journalist?”

THE FEATURES:

– Make yourself a great career as a journalist

– Start as a columnist for a local newspaper and end up as an international reporter, heading your own TV show

– Get your own press pass

– Have fun with the full range of journalists’ accessories: notepad, handheld recorder, mic, camera

– Catch your first scoops by bike and end up travelling in style by helicopter!

– Discover the exciting parts of a magazine journalist’s job

– Go out in the field to interview the locals, but also stars, politicians and athletes

– Attend press conferences and stand out amongst other journalists

– Take the best pictures to illustrate your articles

– Organise magazine covers

– Report great news on TV

– As a TV news presenter deliver the right information at the right time

– Record celebrity interviews

– Release radio programmes on air

– Develop your investigative skills

– Become the one who reveals the top news stories!

– Challenge yourself to deliver exclusive scoops

– Explore places for interview and picture opportunities

– Play with your environment as a background for the photoshoot minigame

JOKE ADDITIONAL FEATURES:

– Go “freelance” and enjoy the benefits of beard-growing and not having to ever see other people

– Be owed thousands of pounds you probably won’t ever see

– Drink so much free alcohol your insides still hurt even after three years of not touching a drop

– Get insulted every time someone gets sent something and you don’t

– Start as a columnist for a local newspaper and end up as a depressed blogger

– Talk to women, but only because they have to because it’s their job

– Watch your carefully-cultured internet persona disintegrate the first time you meet other industry employees

– Wonder how people so obviously useless get paid three times as much to do less work

– Lie to yourself about products being better than they are on a daily basis

– Develop your plagiarism skills

– Meet people so horrible you fantasise about fighting them and actually killing them

– Never quite be important enough to have the final say on anything


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LARGEST AMUSEMENT ‘AKIHABARA CLUB SEGA AKIHABARA NEW WING’ OPEN ON FEBRUARY 18

That headline comes from a half-broken translation service page here. We presume it means SEGA has thrown its last remaining money behind an EVEN BIGGER amusement arcade, presumably hoping the reason arcades are dying is because they haven’t been quite big enough previously.

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“Hello, here some pictures about the new Club Sega opened… today! There are some nice faces in a picture, the red palace is cool but usually I prefer the old signs that we can see in the old closed arcades” – Shark.

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Thanks, Shark. Thanks for attempting English and finding the photos.

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These are the “nice faces in a picture” he mentioned.

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Of course, the real reason arcades are dying is because they’re full of money-sucking pieces of shit like this. UFO catchers as far as the eye can see. More UFO catchers is not the answer.

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We wouldn’t mind if they didn’t all leave the factory deliberately broken.

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THEY’RE STILL MAKING VIRTUA FIGHTERS

When they stop we’ll be sad, but while they carry on we are indifferent. They can’t win. It’s like Top of the Pops – we gave up watching it in 1996, but were still quite upset when it was axed.

It’s Virtua Fighter 5: Final Showdown, coming soon to an internet petition site near you.

Sent in by an “Alex” who must be a bit young and therefore still able to “get into” things like this. He probably even remembers what the buttons are and what those two new characters are called.

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BY PUBLIC DEMAND: THAT LEONA LEWIS FINAL FANTASY XIII VIDEO

This video seems to have “blown up” today, as we’ve had less than three and more than one email(s) about it so far. Look at the poor dear, wobbling the controller sticks and wildly stabbing at the buttons, as if Final Fantasy is the sort of game you physically PLAY.

Final Fantasy is the sort of game you look at, occasionally, to see if it’s finished yet. A bit like this video of poor Leona.

Save your energy for a go on Just Dance when you get home, love.

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