Entries in the ‘WAR ON PS3’ Category:

SINKING PLAYSTATION3 TORPEDOED AGAIN – BY SONY’S OWN TECHNICAL INCOMPETENCE. 77 MILLION LIVES RUINED BY IGNORANCE

We cannot sit idly by and watch the greatest PR disaster of our time unfold without passing comment. We have therefore acquired SPECIAL DISPENSATION for a one-off commemorative update celebrating Sony’s latest global crisis.

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Obviously we are not savages. We feel a small pang of pity for those 77 million PlayStation Network users about to find their credit card and password details up on The Pirate Bay in a convenient multi-part RAR file…

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…but that small, annoying pang of humanity is easily eclipsed by the MASSIVE FEELINGS OF JOY that come from seeing Sony’s already damaged reputation SPREAD TO THE FOUR WINDS across ALL MEDIA OUTLETS. Even the ones for women.

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Anyway. That’s it. Just had a few capital letters building up and it was either put them up here or start shouting at the wife. Carry on with your lives.

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EUROPEAN UNION RULES AGAINST THE VERY EXISTENCE OF PLAYSTATION3

LG corporation has filed a patent complaint against Sony – and the European court has temporarily ruled in LG’s favour. This means “all new PS3s have to be confiscated” as they enter the EU.

Basically, the Brussels bureaucrats are earning their salaries for once and doing something more useful than arguing about the metric system. Here’s a photograph illustrating one fantastic LG brand:

lg ps3 eu war

Read actual facts about the amazing European PlayStation3 EMBARGO over on the Guardian. Thousands of PS3s have already been seized by our glorious European leaders! Waterboard the pieces of shit until their warranties expire.

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THE ENEMY IS RECRUITING

Whilst casually channel-hopping last night, I accidentally ended up getting myself trapped in the middle of the 437  music channels.

As I desperately mashed the channel + button to escape, this turgid mess flashed on screen. Only for a millisecond mind, but it was enough.

I don’t advocate clicking the play button. It’s only here for evidence

We don’t call them N-DUBZ in our household. We call them NOB-EDZ instead, because we’re a bit zany like that and they’re wankers.

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GRAN TURISMO 5 IS OUT, APPARENTLY

One of these games is massively out of date, has subpar graphics and a relentless tunnel-vision focus on one goal…

For best results, look at this picture while listening to Magical Sound Shower.

Do people actually play the GT games for FUN???

…the other is Outrun.

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WAR ROOM UPDATE: PLAYSTATION3 IN “YEAR-ON-YEAR DECLINE” SHAME

In January of 2008 Sony sold 269,000 PS3s in America. In January of 2009 it sold 203,000. That’s less. 203,000 is DEFINITELY less than 269,000. We are POSITIVE. Hang on, we’ll just check that. Where’s the link to the adding thing?

Vista Home Premium. It came with the PC

Yes. There you go. It’s less. PS3 sold 66,000 less/fewer units this January than last January. So, the ten year plan for PS3 was to have sales peak in year two, then have the business gradually run down to zero over the remaining eight?

'We have officially decided to make it 'best of five' regarding console generations'

Sounds like a good plan to us. Figures, as ever, from GAF.

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BUSINESS NEWS: ENEMY LOSES TWO BILLION DOLLARS – CASH LEVELS IN CRISIS

Terms like “alarming collapse” and “battered” used by financially-minded grown-ups to describe Sony’s terrible current state. The gaming division has contributed to this with “lower-than-expected” sales.

SEGA is rumoured to be using its Football Manager profits to buy up remnants of gaming division at “fire sale” price.

'...sobbing in cubicle three...'

Gaming division. Axe the gaming division. Please axe the gaming division. Fingers crossed for massive job losses, at least.

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PLAYSTATION3 IS DOING REALLY WELL!

…compared to the Gamecube and another console you haven’t been able to buy new for two years.

Well done, Sony. Another gold in the paralympics.

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WAR UPDATE: ENEMY STILL SELLING TORTURE DEVICES AT FINANCIAL LOSS

Some statistical news people have decided it costs Sony $448 to make each PlayStation3, so if you’re thinking about getting one to laugh at or smash in a brutal revenge smashing, do so now while it still HURTS THE ENEMY BOTTOM LINE.

'Minus two billion, plus another minus one billion, plus the sales from Denmark...'

And hurts the enemy bottom itself.

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SONY MARKETING ERROR #17829

So, they’ve decided to release HOME as a public Beta. That’s HOME, the amazing virtual world that had game journalists and PS3 fanboys proclaiming the greatness of Sony and how it would be the best thing EVER! Except, it’s not. Two years on, it turns out to be a half empty, badly thought out mess (queuing to play a game of Pool?!) and clearly nothing more than a cynical attempt to actually make some money out of the cash-haemorraghing disaster that has been PS3. And with nothing on the horizon, save GT5, surely the ‘nail in the coffin’. Even ThreeSpeech can’t be arsed to Big It Up like they did with Little Big Planet (already being sold for £19.99) Let’s have another little round-up of public opinion shall we;

  • “Are there really people dumb enough to spend £3.99 on a virtual house?”
  • “What they’ve released is just a huge anti-climax”
  • “You cannot create anything in PlayStation Home. You can only buy it.”
  • “Pointless, monotonous and poorly executed”
  • “It’s like the success of the PS2 has gone to their head and they think people will buy anything”
  • “It seems to be a really inconvenient way to launch games and videos while pretending to live in a nightmare vision of the future”
  • “..and the load times for each area, oh dear, that was something I didn’t expect. ”
  • “I really can’t fathom what they’ve been spending all that development time doing”

There's no place like home. THANK FUCK!

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FINANCIAL NEWS UPDATE: SONY CLOSING 10% OF GLOBAL FACTORIES

Enemy manufacturing base shrinking! Supply lines crippled! Successful European campaign impacting on Asian stronghold! Unconditional surrender and signing over of all copyrights pertaining to “PlayStation3″ estimated to be less than 14 months away.

'I also know where the plain A4 paper is kept'

Sony is also axing 8000 jobs as well as closing 10% of its weapon factories. What a shame. What a big shame. What a BIG OLD FUCKING SHAMEY SHAME indeed. We don’t like to laugh about people losing their jobs, but it’s OK when it’s SONY PEOPLE as they’re not even real people at all. They don’t have feelings.

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