Entries in the ‘ENEMIES’ Category:

SONY BEGINS REISSUING PLAYSTATION NETWORK PASSWORDS

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At least it’s nice that everything’s out in the open.

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SINKING PLAYSTATION3 TORPEDOED AGAIN – BY SONY’S OWN TECHNICAL INCOMPETENCE. 77 MILLION LIVES RUINED BY IGNORANCE

We cannot sit idly by and watch the greatest PR disaster of our time unfold without passing comment. We have therefore acquired SPECIAL DISPENSATION for a one-off commemorative update celebrating Sony’s latest global crisis.

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Obviously we are not savages. We feel a small pang of pity for those 77 million PlayStation Network users about to find their credit card and password details up on The Pirate Bay in a convenient multi-part RAR file…

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…but that small, annoying pang of humanity is easily eclipsed by the MASSIVE FEELINGS OF JOY that come from seeing Sony’s already damaged reputation SPREAD TO THE FOUR WINDS across ALL MEDIA OUTLETS. Even the ones for women.

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Anyway. That’s it. Just had a few capital letters building up and it was either put them up here or start shouting at the wife. Carry on with your lives.

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EUROPEAN UNION RULES AGAINST THE VERY EXISTENCE OF PLAYSTATION3

LG corporation has filed a patent complaint against Sony – and the European court has temporarily ruled in LG’s favour. This means “all new PS3s have to be confiscated” as they enter the EU.

Basically, the Brussels bureaucrats are earning their salaries for once and doing something more useful than arguing about the metric system. Here’s a photograph illustrating one fantastic LG brand:

lg ps3 eu war

Read actual facts about the amazing European PlayStation3 EMBARGO over on the Guardian. Thousands of PS3s have already been seized by our glorious European leaders! Waterboard the pieces of shit until their warranties expire.

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ROCKSTAR GAMES REBUFF ‘BLUE SKY IN GAMES’ CAMPAIGN – *EXCLUSIVE*

You heard it here first – Rockstar Games has no intention of making games with blue skies. Apparently they’re happy with brown cities full of junkies and whores.

A few weeks back while bored after Christmas, and with nothing on the telly I decided to write to Rockstar Games about their back catalogue. The email was perhaps a bit strong in its choice of language, but I didn’t really expect a reply anyway so I thought it might be fun to vent. The email went as follows:

From: Karl

Age: 27

Message:

As a long-time gamer, I have made purchase of many Rockstar Games products, starting with the original GTA for the Playstation (which was a shoddy port, sadly). I note with interest that Rockstar are keen on pushing an edgy, ‘adult’ image. But I feel your company has a lot to answer for. Not in a Jack Thompson, “videogames made my chid into a feral killer” kind of way. But the success of the GTA series has led to a lot of other companies following the money and now the market is saturated with crime games, rubbish free-roaming games (True Crime: Streets of LA, anyone?) and other assorted “adult” tat.

Is there any chance of Rockstar bucking the trend, and perhaps pushing out a cheery little happy game where nobody gets kerb-stomped? You could put it out on the PS Network and Xbox Live, and I bet that the media would be intrigued by such a volte-face. Or even on the App Store – you’d make a killing (no pun intended).

I find myself agreeing with this man’s ideas – http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/2005/11/blue-sky-in-games-campaign-launched.html It’s not about prudery. It’s not about censorship. I’m not against blowing “gangstas” away in games. I’m just one of many people sick of the deluge of games in this genre.

How about starting a reverse trend, Rockstar? Although I don’t think I will hold my breath.

However, about a week later I received this reply in my email inbox:

Hi Karl,

Thanks for your message.  While we appreciate your point of view, we do stand by our catalog of titles as one that is indeed diverse and varied for many tastes.  For every Grand Theft Auto title in our history, there is also a teen-appropriate Midnight Club racing game or a lighthearted title such as Bully or a Red Dead Redemption epic and dramatic western or even our occasional E-rated releases such as Table Tennis and the music-making title, Beaterator.  We have always geared our releases to be cutting-edge, progressive entertainment and yes, many of those experiences are catered towards mature players – but hopefully you’ll stick with us and look forward to what we have lined up for 2011 and beyond including L.A. Noire, Max Payne 3 and more.

Cheers,

Rockstar Games

I would like to take the opportunity to reply to Rockstar Games by saying like fuck i will.

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NINTENDO 3DS IN ‘POSSIBLY HARMFUL TO EYES’ NON-SHOCKER

The Sun, being the paragon of finely-researched investigative journalism it is, has uncovered a terrible truth about the forthcoming Nintendo 3DS.

It’s really ugly.

Only kidding – apparently the upcoming Nintendo handheld could damage the eyesight of children, affecting the development of their eyes. If you wish to muddy your browser then the whole article can be found here.

The Sun in "11 years behind mainstream gaming press" shocker!

Of course, this is nothing new if you were a gamer in the early 90’s when VR was at its height:

I miss GamesMaster :(

Legible version can be found here. Will this stop people from buying it for their mewling litters? Probably not. But say what you like about the Game Gear, it never sent anyone blind.

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FACEBOOK RAPES OUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Facebook  have been guilty of many things – breaching people’s privacy, messing up people’s lives and jobs and all those infuriating ‘repost this status if you agree’ comments. But now they’ve gone too far. This is war:

There is no funny alt-text that will make this alright... :(

You are looking at ‘Crazy Taxi,’ the Facebook game. When I asked someone who played it if it was anything like Sega’s Crazy Taxi, he replied “Sadly no. It’s like a Chase HQ / Out Run combo with jumping. Minus all the fun.”

You can watch it in motion here if you want. I don’t recommend it, it’s just too awful. :(

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SONY ATTEMPTS WORLD DOMINATION

In a desperate bid for world domination, Sony is shoving PS2 consoles inside their tellies

It isn’t all bad though. It has a VGA and a scart socket round the back for your Dreamcast & Mega Drive

They spent several minutes brainstorming the design, but eventually settled for the classic  ‘glued TV on PS2′ look.

It has those internet widgety things that don’t work properly, and you can watch hippo-critical BBC programmes like Panorama on it via the built-in Freeview tuner.

Next week they’re launching a kettle with a UMD slot!

I’m aware that his post would better suited to Idiot Toys, but Zorg still has a bit of passion left for that site and justifiably, doesn’t let us post on it!

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NINTENDO HATE SPECIAL

Yes, Sega may well be going to shit these days, but let’s forget all about that for a moment and be comforted in the knowledge that Nintendo is equally powerless to stop ‘enthusiasts’ from making unlicensed toys. I give you – mutant strongman Mario:

And fish-lipped zombie Toad:

And post-op transsexual Princess Peach:

You really would wish your princess was in another castle.

And a nice group shot:

Note Mario about to grope Peach's arse.

Found while actively looking for shitty knock-off Nintendo merchandise to mock.

In other Nintendo news (since they must be the NEW ENEMY now that Sony are on life support with the PS3), Nintendo have decided on a cunning plan to halt the massive slide in hardware sales. They are going to re-release the console in black! Genius – that will sove everything! 

It's going to collect fingerprints too!

Are Nintendo taking inspiration from Sony now?

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GRAN TURISMO 5 IS OUT, APPARENTLY

One of these games is massively out of date, has subpar graphics and a relentless tunnel-vision focus on one goal…

For best results, look at this picture while listening to Magical Sound Shower.

Do people actually play the GT games for FUN???

…the other is Outrun.

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MICROSOFT’S DODGY-SOUNDING COMMERCIAL

Here’s an unfortunate juxtaposition of text and images. This was found on a flash advert for Kinect on the front page of Youtube while I was looking for SID chip music.

It's easier to let go...

"...when there's nothing to hold on to." 

Does anyone in the Microsoft marketing department even READ this shit before it gets approved?

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