Are you one step away from slashing your wrists with a cheese grater? Worry no more, because UKRISPS is here.

UKRISPS isn’t just an ISP. It’s the most sophisticated web filter and suicide prevention package on the planet, for just 5% more than you pay for your existing service. With the magic of the UKRISPS filters, we can prevent you from EVER AGAIN having to see:

– Ringtone advertisements
– Winky smilies
– Harry Knowles
– The word “OWNED” spelled with a P
– Placeholder index pages
– Photoshop jokes
– Anything at all to do with Colin Mochrie

…and that’s just the start! UKRISPS Will also totally restrict your access to any webcomic apart from Penny Arcade, User Friendly, Sluggy Freelance and PvP. (Sluggy access limited to thirty seven months before it went shit. You know, the eighteenth or nineteenth time that Oasis died.) The illusion doesn’t stop there, though; subscribe to UKRISPS Gold and receive repeats of past websites! Visit and pretend that it’s still acceptable to enthuse about things that you like! Imagine that is still updated! Behave as if you were still in a magical wonderland of re-mapping your lost childhood or misspent adulthood! ADDED BONUS FOR JUNE: FREE access to over 10,000 emulator roms makes you able to pretend that Tim Eckel never existed!

Each new user will not only receive their own 50k of webhosting and simulated dialup access speed (so that when you’ve downloaded something you feel happy with it no matter HOW shit it is), but also a free email account which will automatically generate emails from people who haven’t betrayed you yet and whom you think you like!

So join us at UK: Resistance Internet Service Provider Services. When you’ve had enough of being ready to rock… it’s time to live under one.

UKRISPS. Welcome to 1998.