…or at least that’s what it feels like, anyway. Come on, stupid clock! Faster! Faster!

Of course, a new Sakura Wars game is like the first shit after a night on the razzle. First of all it has a solid and satisfying feel that makes you flood with relief. Then, two hours later when you’re having a giant robot battle with an anthropomorphic marmot on a circus tightrope (or something equally stupid) you realise it was just the pace car, and all that’s left is fifteen to twenty hours of insubstantial crap that makes you regretful and nauseous.

This time, though, Sega have got a secret weapon. Allow us to introduce… WHEELCHAIR GIRL!

Don't mention the wheels if you want to get your end away

To celebrate the advent of a truly UK:R sex symbol and to win over those who might still be in two minds about importing the game, we’ve written a verse of love to get you all in the mood for love and flowers and tweeting birds and help you to forget that the game’s set in America.

Our first date at the Coffee House Restauraunt, where they serve only the best coffee houses

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
You wear glasses and a lab coat.
Your personality will probably be bland and kindly, like Kohran in the good ones on the Saturn.
You come from Boston, so you will be very posh and thus utterly dirty.
You are a med student too, so you will know all the names and be shocked by nothing.

Nearly got her in bed here. Can anyone get her arms for us?

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
You are so much better than other wheelchair girls
Like that one from Silent Hill.
She was a bit plain, and tried to kill us with dogs.
We will tell our friends that you are by Sega and not RED or Hudson
(As we have been doing since the Dreamcast to avoid embarassment)

A concrete floor, a look of fear and a length of rope. If we're any judge of Japanese games, things can only go one way from here.

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
I long for the moment of beauty when we become one
Our bodies singing a pure and unsullied aria of love to the heavens.
You will probably have to go over the side of the bed
So that your legs don’t get in the way.

The pants are off but the glasses stay on. That's just sweet.

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
My heart has an access ramp.

We thank you.