The Matthew Smith legend is an enduring mystery steeped in the misguided joy of our youths. Mum! Mum! Doctor Who’s starting! No, I can’t get out of the bath, I haven’t got a warm towel! Here’s a rundown of the current rumour mill regarding our Matt, in order of ridiculousness.

1) Matt made a lot of money from the Jet Set Willy games and doesn’t want to be found.

2) Matt never existed. The name “Matthew Smith” was merely a clever codeword for the Tandy computers upon which the games were conceptualised.

3) Matt made his fortune from the games then spazzed it all on dangerous substances and ended up on the funny farm for good.

4) Matt had a nervous breakdown from cash problems, and now lives in a Norwegian squat rebuilding his life with the proceeds he makes from his new life as a bicycle repair man.

5) Matt is alive, healthy, working in a mediocre software-related job and trying to avoid all the cunts who have made it their holy war to remind him how old he is.

6) Matt made a terrible game on a terrible computer that people are still talking about.

Oh, well. There’s another mystery of life placed on a barrel and crushed by a comedically long foot. Be here next week when we reveal that Gunpei Yokoi, Richie from The Manics and Dumbledore are all still alive, they just hate you.