Don’t moan that we’ve started liking something by Sony. If it’s OK for Sega to start liking Sony’s PSP, it’s OK for you to like it too!

Try it. Maybe start by liking something easy, like a Sony radio or a Sony television — picking the badge off it might help — then move up into games consoles. It won’t mean you love Sega any less, just like when mummy got a new daddy who was really good at DIY. You still loved your old daddy just as much even though he seemed like less of a man and was always crying.

Look, Sega likes PSP so much it’s made Virtua Tennis for it. Playing Virtua Tennis will make you feel safe again! What’s that, mum? Dinner’s ready?! Life is great again and you’re 100 percent in control!

It’s really nice to play Virtua Tennis again. You know people that smoke? You know how if they go for ages without smoking (like 20 minutes, the moaning fucks), then smoke something, they seem to think it feels really great to be smoking again? PLAYING VIRTUA TENNIS AGAIN AFTER FIVE YEARS IS REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING!!!

It’s also like getting back on heroin after months of ropey methadone (sorry, mum, we had to sell your TV and cooker). It feels right and reminds you that you’ve been putting up with pale imitations for the last five years.

This is a photo of our World Tour character. She’s like a podgy Cheryl Tweedy. All we did was change her hair. It’s like Sega KNOWS our type of girls is podgy Cheryl Tweedys. Sega knows us SO WELL :)

We’ve got an idea for some Virtua Tennis fan fiction. It starts as we manage to get a DREAM JOB working for Sega! But things go badly after we’re caught stealing games to sell on eBay and we get demoted and made to work in the ‘motion capture’ room. Everybody hates the motion capture room, because it’s too hot and is really boring work. But then Sega announces Virtua Tennis World Tour 2, and signs Maria Sharapova to be in it! Maria then comes to the office to be… MOTION CAPTURED!

She has to wear a tight, black mo-cap costume, and it’s really, really hot and sweaty in the studio. We end up opening a bottle of wine and one thing leads to another in the heat of the studio, we have sex for a bit in all three sex positions then the story ends with us spunking on Maria’s tits and tummy. Really loads of it, too. If you’d like us to write it up properly, let us know and we will. Everyone who emails in gets to feature in the story as a guest star!