Just to prove that there’s nothing to it, we had a “MAN ON THE GROUND” for yesterday’s launch of Animal Crossing for DS.


Akihabara at launch, yesterday. Note the keen lack of people lined up fifty deep outside the game stores, owing to the fact that they ALL HAVE PREORDER SLIPS AND ARE STILL ASLEEP IN BED.

Anyway, on to our ZERO HOUR (give or take a day of pissing about) REVIEW!

Got something cool? Hmmm... How about I throw it away?

We take it all back! It was all a clever trick by Shigs to lull us into a false sense of security! The new Animal Crossing only allows one house, and all four characters on the same cart are forced to cohabit. We quake in fear at the kind of gaming nightmare that this will inevitably lead to.

GIRL: What’s that you’re playing?
YOU: It’s Animal Crossing.
GIRL: SQUEAL! Oh my god! It’s adorable! What’s that?
YOU: He runs the store. He’s a tanuki.
GIRL: A what?
YOU: Never mind.
GIRL: Can I have a go?

What are you going to say? “No, piss off?” So you start hanging out and playing the game together. Then what? We give it a day and a half before you pick up the save file and find all your clothes gone and your ironic retro gaming items replaced with an aromatherapy lamp. She’ll claim not to know anything about it, but later on you’ll find your Starfox diorama buried behind the shops and the other animals suspiciously wearing all the shirts and hats that you drew willies and breasts on.

Animal Crossing thus joins the pantheon of games that teach children messages that we can relate to:

ANIMAL CROSSING: Fear comittment! Flee! Flee for your life!
DEAD OR ALIVE BEACH VOLLEYBALL: Women spend all the time pretending to feed each other strawberries and languish about in a quasi-bisexual way, then throw away all the expensive stuff you gave them on a spiteful whim
PROJECT RUB: Women are incapable of everything from swatting a bee to not dropping the car keys, and will blame you for it
GTA: Women will have sex with you in return for money

Please note that the online aspect of Animal Crossing DS can only be accessed if you already have someone’s Friend Code and permission, making it completely useless as a grooming tool.