WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: “More unfocused rage about mobile phone games, in this case — Tomb Raider. It was never used, because, well, it’s just a bit angry and not very amusing. We don’t want people to think we’re the ‘RamRaider’!”


Look at this. This is what today’s kids think games are like thanks to rubbish mobile phone cash-ins. As if Tomb Raider wasn’t bad enough, it’s now smaller, 2D, and the only things you can do in it are walk, run, jump, climb and shoot.

The press release points that out like it’s a FEATURE: “In Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar, which is the second game in the planned trilogy, players guide Lara Croft in her exciting adventure to recover the priceless vase containing Cinnabar in Tibet, by making her run, jump, climb, shoot, while avoiding traps, obstacles and enemies.”

Obviously it’s unplayable, because everything is on a phone, which means the other thing you can do is DIE ALL THE TIME because you can’t control anything with a device THAT’S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TELEPHONING PEOPLE. Anyway, we just wanted to say that Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar looks rubbish and show you a picture of it so you believe us.

The only good game you can play on a phone is stealing someone’s phone and sending 'I love you' texts to their friends

It’ll be a collection of generic 2D levels that you will stumble through in an unsatisfactory trial and error manner. See? This illustrates how easy it is to review games without playing them. 1/10.