WEBSITES FROZEN IN TIME: POST-GIZMONDO EDITION
We were planning a fantastic April Fool update where we were going claim that we got a mate at university to put a Gizmondo in a particle accelerator and smash it with so much force that it actually tore the fabric of reality. If we’d done it it would have been fantastic. On the one hand nobody would suspect that we made up something so stupid about something so worthless. On the other hand it would have satirised the miserable efforts at hit-grabbing of other sites to a bloody pulp, to the extent that we’d never have had to put up with another “LOL WE BOUGHT A 360 AND SMASHED IT UP ON CAMERA PLZ CLICK OUR BANNERS” shitfest ever again.
Straight away we hit problems, though. For a start we picked on a Japanese University because almost nobody would be able to check the validity of the story. However, we quickly found out that we don’t speak enough science to know which of our pictures of “KEK” is the genuine article.
We reckon it’s this thing, but we have nothing to base that on but the fact that it looks like the one that you shoot Nemesis with at the end of Resident Evil 3.
Even worse was the fact that we’d need a picture of a Japanese person holding a Gizmondo. People holding Gizmondos, let alone PHOTOS of them are almost non-existent (unless they’re MiniMe or have huge tits). A Japanese person holding one? The plausibility event horizon has been breached.
That’s when we found it. Way back from the mists of May 2005, a story stranger than fiction and a million times more soul-crushing than any tedious internet April Fool photoshop. The story of a Japanese man who was not only holding a Gizmondo… but who loved it so much that he went to THAT SHOP to buy one.
And took photos. And posted about it on his website. Where he KEEPS EMPHASISING THINGS A BIT LIKE WE DO. We’re starting to draw unpleasant parallels.
From what we can tell, he was amazed that not even world famous store Hamleys have the Gizmondo. Only Gizmondo store on same road as Apple store! DO THEY GENUINELY INTEND TO SELL IN THIS MANNER?
Then he takes photos of it next to his other consoles. He says “People say that it looks like the Game Gear but it does not, AND ANYWAY WE LIKE THE GAME GEAR!” Oh God. This could have been us. This is like that episode of Friends where the mad old man downstairs dies and they find out he was exactly the same as Chandler. Oh Jesus.
Here’s a picture of him playing with it on a red London bus, with the Queen and a smiling bobby drinking tea in the background! He walked around London with it all day dangling from his mobile phone strap, and nobody tried to steal it. Awwwwwww. We bet he went back to Japan and told everyone how safe England was.
ASCII 24 – there but for the grace of God (and 250 pounds) go we
filed in Uncategorized on Apr.07, 2006
April 7th, 2006 on 10:45 pm
“Teela in Quite Good Update Shocker!”
April 7th, 2006 on 11:33 pm
Actually, he’s going up Woburn Place where the bus blew up. Albeit from the other direction. Can somebody make a joke connecting gizmondos and bombs and/or terrorists please?
April 8th, 2006 on 3:45 am
What a let down. I don’t see any pictures of a Japanese man holding a Gizmondo.
You lied :*(
April 8th, 2006 on 1:07 pm
Viewing that page through babelfish is funny…
April 8th, 2006 on 4:20 pm
Viewing it through Word is funnier.
April 8th, 2006 on 7:54 pm
UK Resistance refferenced Friends?!!
I’m so disappointed right now. This is a dark day for people who hate popular things everywhere.
April 9th, 2006 on 6:52 pm
I saw a Gizmondo in Cash Generator the other day. When I asked how much it was (just for a laugh, you understand) the chav behind the counter replied “undred quid…it’s got GPRS…”
Two points:
1) I think she meant GPS
2) ONE HUNDRED FUCKING POUNDS?!?!?!?!
April 10th, 2006 on 10:58 am
News of the World are still giving three of these away as prizes for the crossword in the Sunday magazine – all for sending in the answer to 25 down, “ornamental people in the garden (6)”.
“The gizmondo is the most powerful entertainment handheld in the world…and is available from most consumer electronics retailers, the Gizmondo Store at 175 Regents Street, London and online”.
I’m sold.
April 10th, 2006 on 12:46 pm
Quite obviously the answer to the crossword is ‘chinks’.