We’re really getting into women’s feet these days. If a girl isn’t wearing sexy shoes, she’s not worth looking at twice or following home down a poorly-lit path.

“This little piggy went to… UP MY ARSE”

“…and this little piggy stayed at… IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH”

“…this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT”

“… and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT”

“…and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE”

We’re out of our depth here. We just don’t know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.

“Phwoar, nicely rounded balls”

Next week: Lara Croft’s DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.