And it belongs to Assassin’s Creed creative director Patrice Desilets. That’s him on the right. Patrice is a man’s name in French bits of the world, apparently.

Patrice Desilets - trimmed

Of particular note is his facial expression. He knows he’s not really supposed to be in this photo of Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond. Everyone likes Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond and he’s being careful not to get in the way of any important bits of her body.

Shaved at base

Here’s a close-up of that beard. The trimming is perfection! Anyone who’s ever experimented with facial hair will know that the neckline is several hours of work alone, and the uniformity of length is nothing short of a masterpiece. We can only hope he’s being this meticulous in his work on Assassin’s Creed!

She's doing the pink menu screens really slowly and holding everyone up

And this is her, Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond, the one everyone likes. Frankly, textbook chin-down-shoulders-back-look-and-smile up or not, we’re still not convinced video game development is the right place for a woman to be, regardless of how many WOMEN GAMERS IN GAMES conferences Aleks Krotoski has organised in her flat this month. They literally just don’t really understand games.

JERRY’S FINAL THOUGHTS:
Still, as long as Ubisoft manages to get acres of press coverage by shoving poor Jade in front of every game journalist’s Casio Exilim while pretending it’s doing it for “equality” rather than “here’s a pretty girl from our office you can talk to about texture maps,” it’ll be worth it.

OTHER PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE REASONS TO NOT LIKE UBISOFT:

  • It releases the same squad-based game only with a different name at least five times a year, triggering a Pavlovian reaction in us that makes us turn off everything electrical in the house upon hearing the phrase “Tom Clancy’s…”.

  • Being MADE to review Splinter Cell because no one ever wants to review Splinter Cell because Splinter Cell is boring, too hard and rubbish, and only liked by weirdos who pay fat prostitutes to sandpaper their cocks in dungeons at the weekend while they let out the tears of pain away from the wife and kids.
  • It has announced a Wii game called Horsez 2 and if that isn’t a sign that another video game crash is no more than six months away, we don’t know what is.