SUDDENLY IT BECAME MONEY WELL SPENT (A SPECIAL REPORT)
We just had to post this- recently we bought ourselves a TurboGrafx-16 off eBay. You know, the FAKE 16-bit console that utterly TANKED in every country they tried selling it in outside Japan. We had to hold down the vomit brought on by the sheer LAMENESS of the games it came with- Keith Courage, Dungeon Explorer and the rest of the parade of mediocre HuCards it came with DID NOT IMPRESS.
In desperation we ordered a flashcard so we could download ROMs for free to play on it, in order to avoid having to spend more money on the thing in the future. And we are pleased to report this list of games that are INDEED WORTH PLAYING on the TG-16, and how you should buy one immediately!
1. The conversion of Shinobi. Better than the Master System version even if it is REALLY HARD. Might be Japan-only, though. Yeah, it is.
2. This really weird hybrid puzzle/shooter game called Somer Assault (GET IT? “SOMERSAULT”!). It’s quite the peach and we’re trying it beat it. You play as a purple slinky dropped down from heaven BY GOD HIMSELF and must battle monsters based on the 12 signs of the zodiac. More on this as the story develops.
A MAJOR TRAVESTY:
They ported Power Drift to it! Fucking Power Drift! Did they forget that the TG-16 is an NES with a really nice graphics chip? It’s not like we’re crazy about the game or anything, but we like the arcade version and knew THE SECOND WE COPIED OVER THE ROM that it would be total crap because the original has sprites scaling and rotating at breakneck speed, something the PCE could not do, no matter how many copies of Ys Book I and II you throw at it. UK:R gives Power Drift on the TG-16 (or perhaps PC-Engine since it was a Japan only release, thank god) a 3/10.
And don’t let anyone tell you the conversion of Out Run is better than the Genesis/Mega Drive version. It’s not.
filed in ENTHUSIASM on Mar.18, 2008
March 18th, 2008 on 5:47 pm
The words that happened to stand out when I glanced over this post:
FAKE. TANKED. LAMENESS. DID NOT IMPRESS. 3/10.
Must be a post by The Swill Man!
March 18th, 2008 on 5:49 pm
Swill – you are retarded
March 18th, 2008 on 5:53 pm
I think it says a lot that I’ve signed up to post a comment with the sole purpose of slagging the swill man off.
Stop posting! YOU AREN’T FUNNY!
March 18th, 2008 on 6:28 pm
Rubbish!
March 18th, 2008 on 6:42 pm
THE swill man, WHY DO you capitalise random WORDS in your SHIT POSTS?
March 18th, 2008 on 6:48 pm
I wonder if Zorg will QUITE LITERALLY let me RUIN his once-fantastic blog if I PRETEND TO ‘BE’ HIM?
March 18th, 2008 on 7:55 pm
The Swill man is clearly an elaborate April fool joke that will culminate is us finding out we’ve been ‘had’ on April 1st at 12pm. There simply can’t be any other explanation as to why such utterly unfunny shite is being posted
March 18th, 2008 on 8:05 pm
The only plausible theory is that Zorg’s Shiny overlords have made him hire an underling to draw in the page hits, so he’s recruited literally the worse person he could find on the internet just to piss them off.
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
March 18th, 2008 on 8:51 pm
The UK:Resistance Resistance begins now… er… a couple of days ago!
March 18th, 2008 on 9:14 pm
YOU have to hand it to the swill MAN though, he’s CERTAINLY drawing in a LOT more COMMENTS then some of the OTHER posts. Even if IT is just because us UKR die HARD fans want to EXPLAIN to swill he’s a COCK.
I can make words go all big like swill man can, therefore this must be a good comment.
March 18th, 2008 on 9:43 pm
I saw the Swill man kicking a kitten yesterday.
March 18th, 2008 on 9:59 pm
I get the impression that Swillo has never actually read UK:R before
March 18th, 2008 on 10:12 pm
I agree. Too much CAPITALISATION. It’s like he’s David DeAngelo or something.
And the Americanisms are out of place in a website with ‘UK’ in the title.
March 18th, 2008 on 10:16 pm
Is he still here? Can someone apologise to Jax for us?
March 18th, 2008 on 11:39 pm
Outrun *is* better on the PC Engine, it’s a fantastic port. I don’t know what went wrong with the Megadrive version, it was shit frankly. Power Drift was alright too, if a bit fiddly and Afterburner was pretty good.
Photoboy (the game not me) is also worth a play, and the PCE version of SF2 is the only one I’m any good at so I quite like that one too. And of course the PCE version of R-Type was brilliant.
March 19th, 2008 on 12:11 am
The Swill Man, you are a bellend.
MORE SEGA SUPERSTARS related POSTS please.
March 19th, 2008 on 12:13 am
I think this swill man posts on selectbutton under the name of bloody heartland! I’m sure you all know what that means…
March 19th, 2008 on 12:17 am
Maybe The Swill MAN is trying to EVOKE memories of a MORE popular computer games-related FELLOW who wanted PEOPLE to stay AWAY from his BINS.
March 19th, 2008 on 12:26 am
Utter utter dogshit. At least have the decency to reply to these comments (either zorg or swill) or are you doing a sony on us.
March 19th, 2008 on 12:28 am
When you think it can’t get any worse… Swillie posts some really boring news about the fact he bought a not very good console (probably because he wants to brag on some dumb American forum that he has one) with insightful knowledge THAT IT WASNT REALLY 16-BIT! SHOCK! Fucking hell…
The PCE version of OutRun is pretty good though… never had it for the MEGA DRIVE.
Don’t ever call it Genesis..
March 19th, 2008 on 1:09 am
WHAT. THE. FUCK? Has UK:R been taken over by IGN or something?
March 19th, 2008 on 1:15 am
This reminds me of the whole ‘Ensign Teela’ thing.
what happened to her anyway?
I take it she was driven out with pitchforks?
March 19th, 2008 on 2:22 am
It warms my heart to see all of you lovely, lovely people reading and posting these comments. Truly, UKR has entered a new golden era.
To address your angry utterances- I am quite aware that the post contains little “funny” material in comparison to other articles on here. This particular post is oriented towards “serious journalism”.
Also, has anyone noticed that it says “special report” in the title? That means I had to write it quickly to get it out there. And plus it was written during a fit of sheer boredom.
And I also agree that I capitalized too many words in there. It dampens the overall effect when you overuse it.
But don’t worry! The SHEER COMEDY TRAIN that is The Swill Man is gonna keep on going!
And going…
And going…
And going…
March 19th, 2008 on 3:01 am
“serious journalism”
Now that was funny.
Really I can understand, when I was your age I wrote the same stuff…see?
It was shit. That’s why I stopped.
I wasn’t that good.
Neither are you.
Come to this conclusion now.
^_^
March 19th, 2008 on 3:22 am
wow you guys are kinda harsh on the swillman. not that i completely disagree.
i didn’t even notice that anyone other than jax and zorg ever posted, but i was wondering what was with these odd articles taht didn’t really fit into the whole UK:R type of humor.
i’m just going to put it nicely: swill, i’m not a fan.
March 19th, 2008 on 3:25 am
also………since when has this site ever been about serious games journalism? (1996, i believe, but even then they got some funny jokes in)
March 19th, 2008 on 3:37 am
I can’t decide what I’d rather see; Zorg quietly “dropping” this new writer (who is a complete robocunt, it must be said), or Swill posting millions of articles and then turning up in the comments section of each one to justify himself to the baying mob. Both would be funny, I suppose.
March 19th, 2008 on 4:15 am
“The [PCE] conversion of Shinobi. Better than the Master System version”
I cannot believe I just read this. On a diehard Sega site no less. Goodbye forever.
March 19th, 2008 on 4:41 am
*But don’t worry! The SHEER COMEDY TRAIN that is The Swill Man is gonna keep on going!*
Oh fuck…
Word Verification: rjctklmd – Although not yet a real word it’s possibly the only way to describe the Swill Man until we invent a word better then cunt.
March 19th, 2008 on 4:48 am
The SWILL MAN uses a MAC.
March 19th, 2008 on 5:04 am
The Swill Man, keep going.
March 19th, 2008 on 7:05 am
Swill man fights back:
http://ukpforum.com/?mode=entry&id=21671
Pig Swill in person:
http://pop.youtube.com/watch?v=XSH6ah_bjI4
March 19th, 2008 on 8:17 am
Post something that’s actually funny or don’t bother.
Q: Why was the chicken unable to cross the road?
A: It got a cerebral hemorrhage from Swillman’s posts, and died in the ambulance on its way to the hospital.
That’s funny. You’re not.
March 19th, 2008 on 8:24 am
see i’m canadian and i’ll admit us north americans aren’t particularly clever, which is why i enjoy brit comedy so much. american/brit styles should not be mixed (particularly because the american style tends to look like complete shi’ite by comparison)
March 19th, 2008 on 9:59 am
I feel truely saddened! At least the pictures of batteries and old remotes on Idiot Toys cheer me up.
BAN MAC FANS!! did anyone see this? hohoh its HILARIOUS!! http://pop.youtube.com/watch?v=XSH6ah_bjI4
:/
March 19th, 2008 on 10:19 am
Swill, at this point you’ve got about as much chance of being accepted by the UK:R readership as the Playstation 3 does.
Give it up, and bugger off. Don’t take it personally. Or do take it personally, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you go away.
March 19th, 2008 on 10:33 am
I’m actually more offended by ‘an Nes’. It’s ‘A’ NES. ‘AN’ goes before VOWELS, you fool!
I suspect Swillman has been brought in to give Zorg time to play on Sega Superstar Tennis whilst still keeping the blog regularly updated. Or he’s got something BIG on Zorg and he’s trying to keep him quiet…
March 19th, 2008 on 10:36 am
Uk Resistance against PC-Engine !!! That’s so 1989 ! Megadrive vs Nec, I’m 20 years younger, thanks to you today.
Anyway : the PC-Engine was created for the unique purpose of receiving Parasol Star.
(Parodius, SuperStar Soldier, Final Soldier and Devil Crush are ok)
(Now that I think, this console was far better than this Super Nintendo pile of wank, whose two only decent game were F-Zero, and Castlevania IV)
zxzhcor : ZX-Hardore a 12,5 bit speccy prototype by Clive Sinclair. Designed to conquer the console market (recycling QL hardware).
March 19th, 2008 on 10:50 am
I also signed up just to say this:-
Fuck off, Swill Man. Jesus H shitting Christ, I used to enjoy this site, but now when I refresh, it’s with the fear that you’ll have posted some utter crap about how you loved niche console xx.
It’s not the early 90s any longer, go away, and never return, please.
Remember: I am the second person to sign up with the sole intention of telling you to fuck off. Stop ruining UK:R.
March 19th, 2008 on 11:03 am
Swill Man….you sir, are a twat. The TurboGrafx had/has some of the best ports ever (ive got one) R-Type, Parasol Stars, and PCKid but to name a few. Would you awfully mind fucking off….
March 19th, 2008 on 11:19 am
Swill man really is a typical example of the early 90’s babies who grew up into the internet/emulator age. They have no true perception of the value of a game, due to them downloading so many that they don’t have time to play them properly.
*download*
*play for 5 seconds*
“Crap”
*delete*
*rinse & repeat*
March 19th, 2008 on 11:26 am
Swill – I tried to defend you several posts ago but you have persisted in being very rubbish.
Please stop – don’t take it personally, writing a funny blog is hard.
Many of us have tried. I am a professional (well, paid at least) copywriter and I’ve tried – and failed – several times to keep an amusing blog up.
Please – go!
Since you’ve gotta go, since you’ve gotta go…
GO. NOW!
March 19th, 2008 on 11:34 am
Swill
Pick a story and stick to it.
The options you present are
a) It was serious journalism
b) You had to write it quickly so it was shit
Let’s look at these…
Serious Journalism
Well, it just wasn’t, was it? Not by any definition I am aware of.
Time-Pressed
Possible, but based on your other posts, you are always knocking shit out in 2 minutes as it is never amusing.
So, with these two excuses for the shitness of your post presented, I conclude that you are just shit.
Please start your own blog.
Swillmanisaseriousjournalist.wordpress.com is available currently.
xxx
March 19th, 2008 on 12:21 pm
Why are people so mean on the internet? Be a bit more tactful, and a lot less protective. Zorg’s still posting isn’t he? Effectively, you get the same as before, except with some extra posts that can be easily overlooked if they offend your sensibilities. It’s a bit like skipping the horoscopes section in the paper, which shouldn’t really be that big a deal. Remind yourselves that the posts on UK:R are just some posts on UK:R, and not the end of the fucking world. I think you need to stop treating UK:R as if it’s your only child who has become a goth. I understand that people get indignant when they think that even the good things in life are subject to lowering standards of quality, but things can’t be good all the time. Nothing is! Also, you’ve lived in a democracy long enough to know that Zorg won’t give a shit about your opinion, and if he likes Swill Man, then Swill Man stays, so there’s no point in your griping. Alright, so Swill Man might be a bit wet behind the ears, but give him a chance to adapt for fuck’s sake! He’s been here for a week and already people have gone out of their way to insult him. If I was feeling contentious I might posit that this was another case of the ‘acceptable’ racism towards Americans that English people seem to have decided is alright, you big fucking FASCISTS. We all got on alright when the war was on!
March 19th, 2008 on 12:49 pm
Jesus fuckin Christ. Third in line to make my first post after years of reading UK:R. FUCK OFF YOU TWAT
March 19th, 2008 on 1:21 pm
weatherbox, shouldn’t you be cutting the crusts off TSM’s sandwiches about now?
March 19th, 2008 on 2:04 pm
its not very funny is it. I think thats what we’re getting at here
March 19th, 2008 on 2:05 pm
Well – weatherbox – that was a pretty insightful well rounded retort, in the end wrong im afraid. But, im surprised he made it more than a day without getting told to fuck off.
March 19th, 2008 on 2:20 pm
I didn’t know Andrew Rosenblum had a brother.
Also, since when did this become US:RESISTANCE ?
You unfunny fuck.
March 19th, 2008 on 2:25 pm
Yes, racism towards Americans (and Germans & French) is acceptable.
March 19th, 2008 on 2:57 pm
The ‘comments’ section hasn’t been this busy since VersusTV. UK:R thrives on HATE.
This is fact.
March 19th, 2008 on 3:23 pm
UK:R thrives on HATRED you illiterate twat!
But: The Swill Man does not belong here.
“The SHEER COMEDY TRAIN that is The Swill Man is gonna keep on going!”
I think he’s heading for Hatfield.
March 19th, 2008 on 4:20 pm
Hey everyone, remember when UK:R used to be worth reading?
Anyone?
It has been a while now, admittedly. Let’s take some time to go through the archives. Remind ourselves of the times when UK:R could be relied upon to be funny.
And then never visit again, so long as this cunt is allowed to keep posting.
March 19th, 2008 on 5:03 pm
I don’t think Zorg’s posts of recent have been that great, but as is evidenced by 55 comments (so far), this Swill chap is taking the site to new lows.
March 19th, 2008 on 6:51 pm
I feel horrible to be an American right now.
1. Evertime I mention the MegaDrive/Genesis I make sure to call it the Megadrive or use both terms. That’s because the great majority of the readers of these blogs are from across the pond from me…
2. You tagged a post with the word ENTHUSIASM in all caps? That’s so beyond lame…Are you an 11 year old girl? Why do that???
3. And no pictures? If you had added some screen captures or something…
…This has got to be a joke right?
There is no way UKR would let someone like this post here.
America Denies you Swillman…
You have brought shame to our nation…I truly thought that we couldn’t get any lower…
March 19th, 2008 on 7:34 pm
I’ll volunteer my writing services. I’ll hardly ever update, anything I do update won’t be very funny and everyone will hate me too. At least I’m BRITISH though, so that makes it ok.
Also, I’ll use words that Americans don’t use like ‘willy’ and ‘minge’
March 19th, 2008 on 9:35 pm
Wow.
Getting each other all worked up into a right pickle aren’t we.
The comments section lynch mob are marching up castle UKR with burning torches as we speak.
Maybe deploying phorenzik as guest blogger for a couple of weeks will calm things down a bit. Phorenzik gets my vote… albeit at the bottom of this ugly heap of comments.
March 19th, 2008 on 10:46 pm
See phorenzik you are ALREADY entertaining me.
Oh you UK people with your slang so different from proper Americanized dialect…you crack me up.
March 20th, 2008 on 1:28 am
Wow, 60 comments on an article that everyone hated!
To be this hated takes Swill Man
HAHAHAHAHA!
Phorenzik for king!
March 20th, 2008 on 3:35 am
So Saddam had to die to protect the freedom of the Swill man to post on UKR.
This is why I voted BNP.
March 20th, 2008 on 4:58 am
I thought this post was alright to be honest… faintly amusing…
it’s not like it’s much worse than the other stuff, really.
Oh wait.. uh.. dumb yank!
There, hopefully that brings us back into balance
March 20th, 2008 on 5:35 am
Yeah. Gotta agree this article was pretty sad. Mocking a failed system (outside of Japan anyhow) isn’t funny. Its like fat jokes or N Gage jokes. It might have been fun once, but not in a looong time.
And I chose a Turbo Duo over the Sega CD. 300 bucks and one came with a ton of kickass games. Sega’s? Not so much.
Later on the Sega CD had a few good games like Terminator CD (best game music ever), and such, but in the end all the Sega CD is notable for was being the beginning of the end of Sega.
Do we really want to remember the start of the Dark Times? The reminder we STILL don’t have the Sega Ages remakes of Dragon Force, Phantasy Star 1 AND Phantasy Star 2?
And Sonic? Jesus.. who wants to recall such horror?
March 20th, 2008 on 10:17 am
“Sega CD”?
In the middle of a thread of rampant anti-americanism that has already seen several people metaphorically stoned for using the name “Genesis”?
Dear oh dear.
March 20th, 2008 on 11:51 am
After Phorenzik posting the thread seems to have gotten a bit of a boost. I miss the SFC blog, so i tip my hat in your direction my friend, it will be good to read youre mindless ramblings my friend…oh – and fuck off swillman. Just thought id get that in there….
March 21st, 2008 on 5:55 am
I remember having some kind of mind melting euphoric breakdown when I played Power Drift for the first time in the arcades. It seemed like gaming had taken some sort of monstrous quantum leap into divine godhood.
And then came Galaxy Force with its spin around cabinet and I supped with Shub Nuggarath himself THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!