TURNS OUT WE'RE A BUNCH OF LYING BASTARDS
Why do we love Tekken so much? Well, we interviewed ourselves to find out why.
After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as “hanky-panky”, we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:
Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.
Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!
Us: Is that so?
Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the “hanky-panky”. *Winks at us* Can’t get enough of that Thunderbird!
Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?
Us: Why yes, of course.
Us: Really?
Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*
Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it’s always been PlayStation exclusive?
Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^
Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?
Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.
Us: Speaking of sex… We’ve always been… smitten for ourselves…
Us: Yes indeed…we have… and we can’t hold back our feelings any longer…
Us: Oh…
Us: Oh..!
Us: Oh yes…
Us: Oh yes…!
Us: Oh yes!
Us: OH YES!!
Us: Oh…oh…oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE
And that’s why we love Tekken so much.
filed in Uncategorized on Apr.01, 2008
April 1st, 2008 on 9:34 pm
Stop it. Just go away. Get your own website. Leave this one alone.
Please.
April 1st, 2008 on 9:43 pm
Stop loitering around the internet.
April 1st, 2008 on 9:44 pm
Please tell me the Swirlboy is just part of an elaborate April fools day joke, planned weeks in advance so as not to appear obvious.
PLEASE!!!
April 1st, 2008 on 9:54 pm
THREAT OF HARM TO PERSON
April 1st, 2008 on 10:03 pm
He’s a mac owner too
April 1st, 2008 on 10:15 pm
This article has been translated
here:
adventuresofswill.blogspot.com/
April 1st, 2008 on 10:20 pm
Zorg: Please return site to Blue Sky Blogging ASAP.
Swillo: Go away.
April 1st, 2008 on 10:31 pm
TRASHCAN?!
I’ve had enough.
Why can’t swill man just fuck off?
I could write a better blog post and I’m SHIT.
April 1st, 2008 on 11:22 pm
Ho-ly shit that is quite possibly the most unfunny thing I’ve read. Ever. Swill, you are making Americans look worse. Please stop.
WV: zdsfdgac – the gagging sound when reading a Swill post.
April 1st, 2008 on 11:23 pm
I no its a cliche. but UKR really isn’t as funny as it used to be. Instead of Swillman’s um, swill, Can somebody put up a link to the ol’ Retro gaming is shit feature? that made me laugh even though I like Rez :P
Then mebe we can run a best of UKR blog from now on. Like Top of the Pops: the main show has finished, but there’s still ToTP2 showing repeats :)
April 1st, 2008 on 11:26 pm
I think SwillMan realises his posts are shit, and therefore posts these to purposely annoy people. Hence why his posts still have UNNECESSARY capital letters, American words, and are about shit games.
Either way, he’s still a massive twat.
April 1st, 2008 on 11:42 pm
ED have noticed him too.
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/The_Swill_Man
April 1st, 2008 on 11:56 pm
Where the hell did you find this wanker?
Please don’t say Massachusetts.
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:14 am
Belmont, Massachusetts.
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:21 am
Can I just say that with no degree of exaggeration or overstatement, that is quite possibly the worst thing I have EVER read anywhere?…..EVER!
What’s the fuckin’ point, seriously…?
The words “painful” and “lame” come to mind.
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:32 am
What the..? Swill Man is a teenager? What the hell is going on? Is Zorg grooming him?
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:38 am
sorry to interupt but did u guys see this..?
http://www.play.com/Games/Wii/4-/3436259/Animal-Crossing-Wii/Product.html
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:56 am
Sorry for posting with this name. Can’t be bothered getting another one just yet.
This actually doesn’t ‘feel’ like a Swill post. Despite the sounds being from his website. ‘SPLOOGE’ isn’t that Digitiser speak?
Anyway credit to whoever is updating that Encyclopedia page. Maybe they should work here?
I like that they’ve added recent material from my ‘fake’ blog. Even if it’s pretty foul bringing Chelsea into things.
Without a doubt would though.
April 2nd, 2008 on 1:22 am
I fucking hate you swill man. FUCK OFF
Oh, and chelsea: would
April 2nd, 2008 on 2:11 am
oh dear god no
April 2nd, 2008 on 3:24 am
Wow.
Well, I could tell from the third word that it was a SwillMan post – ‘we’ this-and-that yet again. This is fucking futile though – what is this guy trying to achieve by posting this utter bollocks?!
Why write up something so lame on an otherwise fairly amusing blog – infamy at any cost? He HASN’T even TAGGED it pRopeRly! *insert frustrating Americanism*
April 2nd, 2008 on 3:39 am
I… I thought he might have gone. It had been more than a week.
This actually hits a new low. For the internet as a whole.
And what the hell is Thunderbird? An e-mail and news client? A member of the marionette rescue organisation? Why, when writing on a UK site (the clue is in the title), use Americanisms that the target audience won’t understand or will be annoyed by?
April 2nd, 2008 on 4:57 am
Greetings, UK:Resistance. This is Anonymous.
We keep a fairly close watch on the Recent Changes page of Encyclopedia Dramatica, and were previously aware of your Swill Man. However, now that fappable loli is involved, we feel it is time to take a hand.
In thanks for your bringing the matter to our attention, a gallery of DELICIOUS Chelsea has been located and added to the article. You are cordially invited to create as many ED accounts as you wish and vent your hatred to your hearts’ content (as long as it is funny) if it gets too long, we will convert it to a collapsible HTML object. Go nuts.
If the esteemed Mr. Migeed is writing things like this in his formative years, one can only speculate what a fat, milky lolcow he will become in the future. We will be watching.
Our thanks once more. Until the next time, we are Anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive, We do not forget, and The Swill Man has our attention.
P.S. We believe you have a drink in fagland called 20/20. That’s basically the same as Thunderbird.
April 2nd, 2008 on 6:57 am
Pretending to be Anonymous? Try getting outside once in a while.
April 2nd, 2008 on 7:54 am
Sigh. What a miserable thing to faced with first thing in the morning.
April 2nd, 2008 on 8:37 am
someone kill this daft cunt
April 2nd, 2008 on 10:14 am
The idea of “Pretending to be Anonymous” is amusing, given that we have no membership, leadership, heirarchy or organisation.
Admittedly individuals in the Church of Scientology have been pushing their luck recently, bug given how hard they fail at it (the internets) their efforts have not been difficult to isolate and discredit.
Nobody “Pretends to be Anonymous.”
April 2nd, 2008 on 10:20 am
A post from a well known and hated columnist?
Who has already been replaced by Phorenzik?
Who has responded to it in the comments thread, implictly denying he wrote it?
A post about loving a playstation-exclusive franchise (and onself, physically)?
On April 1st?
April 2nd, 2008 on 10:29 am
Jesus Christ…
I, like, NEVER post comments on this site – never I tells ya.
But this… this… WTF?
Are we definitely sure that this isn’t some kind of Spam-bot that’s somehow infiltrated the site or something?
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:10 am
This is an absolute disaster. Quite frankly I’m embarrased. Get this bedroom warrior off the site >:E
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:13 am
I think I start to understand :
Zog is now a businessman, with partneships and gadget rings, and posh networks etc.
UKR is now a kind of embarrassment for him but, for a reason, he can’t just close it. He has to kill it before, and therefore, he allowed the swillfatty in.
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:23 am
Right Anonymous, let me rephrase:
Pretending like the whole Anonymous “organization” gives a crap about this joke? No, only you care. Act your age and use your own name.
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:44 am
Am I the only one not trolled by TheSwillMan?
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:53 am
I’m convinced now that whole “The Swill Man” thing is just Zorg trolling us all (successfully).
If not, please Swill go away and never return. :(
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:24 pm
it IS a Zorg hoax – ‘Swill Man’ is an anagram of ‘stupid tedious cunt’ Bah you got us, Zorg!
April 2nd, 2008 on 12:54 pm
Am I the only one who imagines “Anonymous'” voice to be exactly the same as the Mysterons from Captain Scarlet.
Also, Why does The Swill Man exist?
April 2nd, 2008 on 1:38 pm
“Why does The Swill Man exist?”
Because of that time we kicked a tramp to death behind Asda.
April 2nd, 2008 on 1:40 pm
Please get rid of this idiot. I had really hoped it was some sort of hoax by Zorg as I thought nobody could be this unfunny, but judging by his YouTube account, he unfortunately appears to be real.
April 2nd, 2008 on 2:39 pm
Swill man – would you mind awfully fucking off….i thought after a week or so had passed and there was no post that you actually had…but no. Jeez, havent you got the message….no one fucking likes you….
April 2nd, 2008 on 2:58 pm
You do DRUGS!
And then call DOING DRUGS by a funny name!
You are Daddy Cool.
April 2nd, 2008 on 3:40 pm
Uh, I’ve played quite a bit of Tekken 3 on my dreamcast (using bleemcast), making it sega-associated and therefore acceptable in the eyes of god and UKR.
April 2nd, 2008 on 11:25 pm
I was in two minds over whether I should admit this or not, but I only realised it was Swill when I got to the line about VF3tb being ‘t3h sUxoRZ!’
Line up, take aim, fire at will.
I don’t deserve your pity :(
But I’ll wear the Sega vest tshirt at my execution. Try not to get any blood on it, it could be worth something later on down the line when UKR is nothing more than a figment of the Wayback Machine’s server-based imagination :(
wkymekc: WikiMech, the new spam-fighting bot to keep the Sony PR bollocks safe from vandalism
April 3rd, 2008 on 1:02 am
Evil fuck Swill Man, I have resisted from posting before but fuck me!
The internet is now broken.
It had to happen some time, but UK:R is equivalent to the greenland ice sheets melting beyond the point of no return, Swill Man is that point.
It was inevitable as more young retards got taught in the ways of computers but for fuck sake not here.
Please die Swill Man.
April 3rd, 2008 on 1:36 am
I happened to like VF3 and miss Taka and the uneven playfields. It really set it apart from Soul Calibur and other 3-D fighters of the time, at least until Dead or Alive 2’s release with its better looking environments and graphics really killed the one thing VF3TB had going for it on Dreamcast.
R.I.P. Taka. Guess no one felt the love. :(
April 3rd, 2008 on 4:09 am
You know, I could tolerate Swill Man before this, felt he was a bit hard done by. Didn’t find him funny, but not particularly irritating. This post, however, is simply inexcusable.
Get a grip.
April 3rd, 2008 on 9:15 am
> R.I.P. Taka. Guess no one felt the love. :(
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtua_Fighter_5
Taka is back apparently.
April 4th, 2008 on 9:53 pm
I need to remember to buy some popcorn tomorrow. This situation is more interesting that Sweet Eva.
April 10th, 2008 on 12:19 pm
We have/had Thunderbird in the UK too, although 20/20 was indeed cheaper, more well known and slightly less vile tasting (although still less appealing than the lining of a tramps inside pocket).
quiwolf: Jonathan Ross inspired fable warning of the dangers of telling lies.