PARTNER REQUIRED FOR ANONYMOUS SUPER MARIO BROS. HOTEL ROOM ANAL SEX FANTASY
Headline of the Year. This amazingly bizarre advert was spotted by a reader who has, understandably, requested Category A anonymity. A Super Mario Bros. fan wants someone to bum while they play the NES game in a hotel room in, unsurprisingly, Brighton. And, to prove he’s a true gamer, there will be no small talk after.
The ad has since been deleted, but here’s a screen capture of it.
Change it to OutRun2SP and let us have whatever we want out of the mini bar and it might be worth the train fare.
WE HAD THE FORESIGHT TO SAVE THE TEXT
Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? Age: 28
Date posted: Saturday 27th September
Location: BrightonDo you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.
You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.
I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.
Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.
When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.
When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.
When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”
If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.
I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.
filed in Uncategorized on Nov.10, 2008
November 10th, 2008 on 2:00 pm
“I must hear the fireworks” is going to be a new code word amongst those in the know. I couldn’t stop laughing or dry reaching. Brilliant stuff. You could start a new site based solely on this piece.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:00 pm
As long as it ends with “I’m sorry, but the princess is in another arsehole”, you can count me in.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:05 pm
Ah… I think I meant dry retching. Unless I’ve discovered a new name for wanking without results.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:24 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve read on the internet in a very very long time!! hahahahahahahha
@Floppylobster – I think you have invented a new name there
Definition of dryreaching = faking a male orgasm.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:25 pm
I MUST HEAR FIREWORKS GOD DAMN IT!!!
November 10th, 2008 on 2:26 pm
This is sexual encounters for the Asperger’s sufferers, surely.
“I must hear the fireworks” – along with ‘I must have seen an even number of yellow cars on my way to the hotel, or I will throw a tantrum’, ‘we can talk, but it must be about dinosaurs’ and who could forget ‘my LBP level got deleted’.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:39 pm
This is definitely the second-best thing I’ve been sent in recent times, second only to the stunning Lara Croft model hotel corridor door-hole photos.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:40 pm
It was just as funny when I read it 3 months ago on Craigslist. They didn’t even bother to change the american terms to UK ones.
November 10th, 2008 on 2:42 pm
Christ! What a sad loser. Not just because he likes Mario but that he is a pathetic creature who believes all women act like porn stars.
She has to say OH GOD, YES, IT HURTS?!?! What woman ever says that?
November 10th, 2008 on 2:43 pm
@Ren = your mum says that when I do her.
November 10th, 2008 on 3:01 pm
If Anonymous 1:40 PM would just replace “funny” with “arousing” and “read” with “replied to”, then we might be getting a little closer to truth.
November 10th, 2008 on 3:10 pm
What are the odds that the guy would actually be dressed as mario during this?
November 10th, 2008 on 3:33 pm
oh the shame: http://www.destructoid.com/elephant/index.phtml?t=Also+cocks
word verification: vervall – a brand of lube?
November 10th, 2008 on 3:43 pm
We can now assume that the Anonymous at 1.43 is the sad cunt who wrote the gumtree ad. Come on Anonymous reveal yourself.
November 10th, 2008 on 3:46 pm
wow, this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever rea
I seriously hope that guy was joking does he really think any woman is going to show up for that!?
November 10th, 2008 on 4:20 pm
i did.
November 10th, 2008 on 4:58 pm
Just go in and steal the NES
November 10th, 2008 on 5:05 pm
How horribly misguided.
We all know girls don’t play video games.
November 10th, 2008 on 5:41 pm
my personal favorite is the sharp difference in the categories.
brighton homepage -> friends/dating -> casual relationships -> straight casual relationships -> want it from behind while you play super mario brothers?
November 10th, 2008 on 6:03 pm
If he moves on from Super Mario Bros. and starts using Barbie’s Horse Riding Adventure or The Tweenies games to lure his prey…
I don’t know what to write to finish that sentence off. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea.
November 10th, 2008 on 6:37 pm
As amazing as this ad is, I think it’s missing something very important- the “No Mingers” disclaimer. Sure, you’re only going to be looking at the arse end but you don’t really want the arse to belong to some fat, hairy bird with questionable anal hygiene.
November 10th, 2008 on 7:59 pm
Who the heck gets a hard-on while playing Mario?
“notene”
November 10th, 2008 on 8:09 pm
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/740493470.html
Been had…
November 10th, 2008 on 8:14 pm
Anonymous at 1:40; I don’t get it, are you saying there is a whole gang of Mario fireworks fixated perverts at work, on an international scale?
“I may fly into the country and talk to you, then fly back out – but only to get your details to pass to my international fireworks, mushroom and ring fixated..er… ring”
November 10th, 2008 on 8:54 pm
Would
November 10th, 2008 on 9:31 pm
That is about the first time I have seen a commenter make good use of “would.”
November 10th, 2008 on 9:46 pm
Bloody hilarious! Reminded me of the sort of thing those nutters who get dressed up in furry animal suits get up to!
People keep saying “woman”, am I the only one who assumed the advertiser wanted a bloke to turn up and get his ya-ya’s?!
November 10th, 2008 on 11:10 pm
I thought it was ment for a bloke too! mmmm?
November 11th, 2008 on 12:43 am
At previous two anonymii:
“When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass”
and
“When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit.”
November 11th, 2008 on 1:06 am
@Tysoe_J
Real or not this is a brilliant piece of writing that is thematically connected to the Lara peephole shots last month. There’s something deep in the underlying motivation and expression of it that speaks to all game players and is very revealing.
Word verification : Promo (of, pertaining to, or involving the promotion of a product, event, etc.; promotional.)
November 11th, 2008 on 1:18 am
This whole encounter is a bit like Sega during the Saturn era amirite
November 11th, 2008 on 3:42 am
At anonymous who commented to the previous two anonymous.
That still doesn’t clarify anything a mouth is a hole also yeah.
November 11th, 2008 on 9:51 am
Except that they are using that mouth to scream YES and MORE and also it’s on the concentrating end of someone when they play mario.
November 11th, 2008 on 11:45 am
I mean I’m pretty good at Mario but I have a hard enough time playing with someone looking over my shoulder let alone if some stranger were to start pounding my arse just as the difficulty was ramping up. There’s no real way to test your ability under that sort of pressure.
I’m tempted to do it and take the level skip to level 4 just to feel his cock go limp inside of me.
November 11th, 2008 on 11:56 am
God I hope this anonymous posting thing isn’t just a trick like Swillman was, and that one day all the anonymous commentators are going to be exposed for who they really are and publicly shamed like the PS3 has been.
November 11th, 2008 on 2:42 pm
Let me be the first to say that the experience would be vastly enriched if the lady in question would instead play Sonic on a superior machine like the Sega Master System.
November 11th, 2008 on 4:44 pm
This brings a whole new (and disturbing) meaning to “Mario Party”
November 12th, 2008 on 6:38 pm
If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.
classic
November 13th, 2008 on 6:40 pm
“Just go in and steal the NES”
Genius.
November 28th, 2008 on 3:27 am
if only i could play video games…