It’s time to give up. Learn a trade. Become a plumber or a bricklayer. Or a boat maker. People will always need boats. There’s no dignity left in getting excited about mascot-branded products for the benefit of the internet.

Ideal for self-suffocation

“I thought you might like to know that Sonic isn’t losing any sleep over he’s impending relegation as your mascot, as he is now whoring himself on HMV bags. I’ve attached a couple low-quality pictures taken on my phone (it’s a Sony phone, so what do you expect?) for you to weep/masturbate over.”

Ideal for storing urine/vomit

“Very long time reader, so glad I can finally contribute to your excellent site. I generally got excited when this came up, and I’m not even single. Thanks for your time” – Dan.