So it’s entirely “within remit” and “on message” for us to feature a link to an eBay auction where you may purchase one of her bikinis.

100% allowed.

“There’s no picture of the garments themselves, possibly because her publicist wanted to keep her little problem of incontinence on a down low. I thought you might be interested as UK:R has expressed a masturbatory approval motion on Ms. Atkinson many times prior, which has been favourably met by her drooling, wank-hungry readership.

“You need to be an ‘approved buyer’ to bid on this, which presumably means Gemma has stipulated that only rich and promising types may be granted the honour of imbibing the subtle nosegays of her nether regions, and not your average lascivious Sun reading/Ginsters slice consuming/wolf-whistling/Rupert Murdoch trusting lowest common denominator troglodyte.

“If anybody’s interested, I’m selling my own replica models, which are basically just the cheapest bikini from Primark with prawn cocktail crisps rubbed around the gusset and one of those embroidered strip labels you used to have on your PE kit at school inscribed with the name ‘Gemma Atkinson’.

“I’m taking orders now” – Weatherbox.