SEGA AMERICA FLICKR ACCOUNT FINDINGS
Someone seemingly called “Anne” has decided to be the US SEGA Flickr account monitor. This is very handy, as we’ve been sobbing into administrator menus for the last week and don’t care what the updates are about.
There wasn’t an interview. She just sent it in.
ANNE’S FINDINGS:
“There’s a nice shot of spokesperson / random TV host Daisy Fuentes which shows a lot of cleavage here. Large size is here.”
“Apparently she has a new Wii Pilates game coming out. Wikipedia also states that her clothing lines use child labor which she pays 25 cents an hour. Presumably the Wii game developers got paid more, like 35 cents an hour.”
“Apparently SEGA also gave out these “finger bands” from Virtua Tennis 2009.”
“Perhaps these could be used to reduce the strain of a prolonged wanking session? That’s just a guess though because as a woman I of course have no penis to test it on.”
ANNE’S ONLINE JOB APPRAISAL FORM
Anne correctly identified celebrity Daisy Fuentes as an ideal target for UKR update material, also singling out the “large” format of the picture for easy access. But, with an original upload date of June 11, the ‘material’ isn’t particularly fresh. Going forward, Anne needs to work on her timings to ensure she’s not left behind by the quicker-reacting “aggregator” blogs that will have been all over this three weeks ago. B-
filed in GONZO FIELD REPORTS on Jun.24, 2009
June 24th, 2009 on 12:11 pm
wood and would
Employee of the Week for sure :)
June 24th, 2009 on 12:24 pm
What type of business man are you trying to be, Zorg? I wish you wouldn’t be the sort who says ‘going forward’ all the time, that type are shitheads. That kind of language marks one out as a possible Phones4U Store Manager without any greater progress potential. As I like to tell such business men, “just because you’ve got a stock of brain damaging ‘positive-thinking’ cliches doesn’t mean you’re not a backwards window-licking fuckwit”.
Except I’m wrong of course. Actual content means nothing these days, it’s all about the packaging. You can lose your company millions and endanger the jobs of all your colleagues, but as long as you never look like you have to think about a question, never crease your brow and say ‘going forwards’ often enough in meetings you’ll be The Man To Watch.
So carry on :(
June 24th, 2009 on 12:25 pm
Even more notable than this discovery is the fact that UK:R seems to have another female reader. This must bring you up to three, or something.
That is, if Anne is really a woman. The references to “prolonged wanking sessions” followed immediately by the need to restate that she is a woman and therefore has no penis make it seem more likely that he/she is one of our regular readers in disguise.
June 24th, 2009 on 12:26 pm
THEY CHANGED THE COMMENTS SYSTEM NOW I CAN’T POST “EGG MONROE”/IRONIC RACISM/”…HUT” WITHOUT BEING FOUND OUT FOR THE RAGING HOMOSEXUAL I AM
OH TEH NOES
June 24th, 2009 on 12:38 pm
would,but id feel rather dirty afterwards!
June 24th, 2009 on 1:29 pm
i dont like change. turn extra-last back into idiottoys and let us all be anonymous. i have autism.
June 24th, 2009 on 1:31 pm
Would. In the bum obviously.
June 24th, 2009 on 1:36 pm
“Anne” is not a woman. It’s not even a woman’s name. “Andrew” is a woman’s name. And “Archie”.
Silvio Berlusconi is a woman’s name, too. And to hell with hair transplants.
June 24th, 2009 on 1:40 pm
So very, very would.
June 24th, 2009 on 3:04 pm
A quick Google Image search with safe mode off confirms that Daisy is not a trap. Masturbation can now commence.
June 24th, 2009 on 3:23 pm
If I’m not a woman, then my husband is in for quite a surprise tonight.
June 24th, 2009 on 4:13 pm
At least a 38E judging by that 2nd pic. Would.
June 24th, 2009 on 6:41 pm
Oi Anne, why on earth do you think you need a penis to have a wank? Women can wank too. Trust me.
All you need is the ability to hunch your back over a laptop for hours while casting the occasional furtive glance over your shoulder. I recommend crying at the end. I find it adds a touch of poignancy as one succumbs to the post-coital realization of one’s utter loneliness in the universe. Keep some tissues handy too.
Hope this helps! :)
June 24th, 2009 on 8:00 pm
I am, uh.. how did this happen
June 24th, 2009 on 8:17 pm
I always figured wank to be purely a term for male masturbation (unless you’re talking about people complaining about shit in fandom). Perhaps I need to look through my British – American dictionary again.
Generally I’ve seen female masturbation referred to as “jilling off”, “filling the honeypot” or “making a fish taco.”
June 24th, 2009 on 8:59 pm
would, but id feel bad for it later.
June 24th, 2009 on 9:42 pm
I always thought the female equivalent was ‘frig’ or ‘flick’… such as that review of Tomb Raider where someone accused Ellie Gibson as having ‘flicked herself off’ to the new, higher-res Lara’s wobbly bits.
June 24th, 2009 on 9:43 pm
Would, and use the fingerbands to soak up the blood afterwards.
June 24th, 2009 on 9:46 pm
Cheers for the clarification.
You may be correct, etymologically speaking, since “wank” derives from the verb “jerk”, which — under normal circumstances — is not an apt description of “jilling off”. Nonetheless I suspect that “wank” is also onomatopoeic and makes reference to the slight stretching/slapping sound that often accompanies the male performance. In which case, you sisters can join the club.
Glad that’s sorted.
June 24th, 2009 on 10:15 pm
And thus a new era in British / American Masturbation relations began.
June 24th, 2009 on 11:25 pm
Would.
With a Virtua Tennis finger-band on my cock.
June 25th, 2009 on 5:22 am
I used to touch myself during her infomercials. This was before I owned a computer.
June 25th, 2009 on 5:59 am
would
June 25th, 2009 on 6:00 am
Damn it… It won’t let me logout… How am I supposed to post on my other username now?
June 25th, 2009 on 6:01 am
I press logout and it does nothing!
June 25th, 2009 on 6:05 am
Forcing me to delete cookies…
June 25th, 2009 on 6:31 am
Soon out of sheer no logout frustration, you will post something about egg monroe, or what appears to be a random sentence from the BNP’s manifesto. Then we’ll fall on you like a pack of rabid wolves. Rabid wolves who mainly stay in basement rooms lit only by the wan light of an LCD monitor, eating wotsits without taking our eyes from the screen and sneering at web forums.
Or something.
June 25th, 2009 on 7:40 am
So… “Flickr” means “Wankr (feminine)”? UK:R truly is an educational site.
June 25th, 2009 on 9:15 am
Educational indeed! Mere seconds (well….) after introducing logins and the intellectual level of post has quantum-quadrupled!
Intelligence AND subjects I care about, that’s why I love UK:R!
June 25th, 2009 on 10:25 am
“I am Adam Doree!”
No *I* am Adam Doree
June 25th, 2009 on 11:21 am
Oh God. Did the two characters from Contra really fight for us in the alien wars so that Nintendo could license middle-aged crisis driven bollocks like this?
I hereby declare a new taxonomer for this species of ‘computer game’. It seems that ‘computer games’ have evolved in many directions, and games like this are no longer of the same genus as ‘proper’ and ‘actual’ games.
I thus baptise any game to do with fitness a ‘depressing bastard’, any game to do with a film a ‘cash-driven scumfuck that makes me cry’, any game to do with repressed homosexual urges featuring Marcus Fenix and gruff lumberjack voices to be a ‘horrid shitsmear’.
June 25th, 2009 on 6:12 pm
Excellent feeders. Thanks for this.