TERRIER GAMES PRESENTS… CYNOIDS
Karl, who must live in a place where time passes more slowly than it does for the rest of us thereby allowing him to spend more time messing about on a computer for the benefit of a handful of people, has knocked up another of his games.
This one’s called “Cynoids”. The first picture’s the how-to-play screen.
“Here’s my latest game, one that unlike the dreadful ‘Imagine: Blogger’ and ‘Minigames of Parliament’ I have actually spent a lot of time on this one. You canput it up if you want. It’s a proper old-school scrolling shooter, like they don’t make any more. It’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to making something of a commercial standard.”
“Also – the next game coming up (once I have recovered) is Sonic The Hedgehog – Reality Bytes, starring Sonic and Cream the Rabbit… :D” – Karl.
We made it to the second level. Then had to stop for personal reasons. We’re yet to try Karl’s “Imagine: Blogger”.
THE TEXT-BASED INTRO STORY, BY KARL
Story:
The screaming started early.Like some terrible, horrible cosmic clockwork giant spaceships descended from the sky, blotting out the sun over landmarks from California to Marrakech. The entire population of Earth stopped to gawp at these monstrosities, great dark shapes above the clouds. The ships descended further, and that’s when the screaming started.
The Cynoid bio-ships were a mockery of science – half organic, half ship, much like the species itself. The craft mixed high-tech pulsar weaponry and bleeding edge killware with docking bays made out of writhing, tumorous flesh.
These ships disgorged their deadly cargo, swarms of smaller ships and creatures of many different shapes and sizes. In London a man was torn apart by a floating flock of purple creatures covered in gaping maws. In Moscow the Kremlin was demolished by a skyscraper-sized leech-like creature with long spindly arms that leaked noxious fluid from its every pore. Paris was totally overwhelmed with purple maggots. They stripped the flesh from every living thing in the city within an hour.
Earth’s military forces were overwhelmed before they could be properly scrambled. Conventional firepower deflected from the hulls of the Cynoid ships like stones launched by an errant child. A battle unit in China faced up to a giant tank with a living, screaming humanoid face riveted to it. Their bullets pinged and rattled off its metal frame. Thousands of rounds chewed into the flesh on the vehicle, great chunks of bloody meat falling to the ground. One of its shining red eyes burst, viscous yellow fluid running down its cheek.
None of it did the slightest bit of good – the tank rolled over the whole regiment, bones crunching and bodies pulping under the vast wheels. Those who fled were blasted apart by the tank’s onboard armaments.
Amongst all this chaos the UN convened an emergency summit. The leaders of the greatest nations on Earth squabbled like a gaggle of petulant children, all blaming one another for their failings. Until Dr Aramosa called for science.
A thin, neat man in his mid-forties, with an eerily emotionless face and equally monotone delivery, he announced that he had a plan to get them all out of the mess they were in. Aramosa had been working on an experimental hard-fusion cannon. His speech nonetheless swayed the chamber, the leaders grasping at the little hope that was being offered to them.
Emergency field tests proved highly encouraging – the cannon could cut through the unidentified dark-grey metal the Cynoids built their tech from. The UN scrambled their tech bods to affix what cannons they could build onto space shuttles, reconfigured to be used as jet fighters and heavily armored to repel Cynoid fire.
They were able to buid twelve. Two of the ships combusted on takeoff, frying the crew and spewing flaming debris over Cape Canaveral. One more suffered from engine failure, and the plane dropped into the Grand Canyon. The pilot ejected, but was captured by a roving Cynoid drone, and taken away to be experimented on.
Of the nine left, you pilot one ship. Between you, you are humanity’s very last hope…
filed in ACTUAL GAMES on Mar.31, 2010
March 31st, 2010 on 12:35 pm
The irony is that I am a full-time Secondary English teacher.
How do I do it? Caffeine, cigarettes and very little sleep… O_o
March 31st, 2010 on 1:03 pm
I love the story. Could do with being sexed up a bit, but I suppose you’ve got to consider the mainstream consumer.
March 31st, 2010 on 2:08 pm
I wish you were my secondary school English teacher, Karl of Terrier Games. None of mine knew enough about SEGA to make Sonic based comedy games, which was a shame.
Alas, I am 23, and I’m not allowed to hang about in classrooms any more, apparently.
March 31st, 2010 on 2:12 pm
I’ve played Imagine: Blogger, I didn’t get very far as I was ejected from the press event for feeling up the booth girls and then died from excessive masturbation.
March 31st, 2010 on 5:28 pm
Ah, there’s the explanation for all the spare time then – It’s half-term isn’t it?
Haven’t you got any marking to do?
March 31st, 2010 on 7:48 pm
Gah. It’s not half term here until the end of tomorrow. I can’t wait.
Yes, I have marking, but it will be good to lie in for a bit and actually see outside again…
March 31st, 2010 on 10:56 pm
Now I’m unemployed, I wish I had the ability to make games; Grand Theft Auto: Plymouth would be priority 1.
March 31st, 2010 on 11:23 pm
You’re from Plymouth as well?
Or just know it for the festering craphole that it is?
April 1st, 2010 on 12:06 am
I love your clear and direct instructions but I can’t ignore the fact that you have presented them on an Eastern European QWERTZ keyboard, and that you appear to be running all your games off some sort of PS3 emulator. The unfortunate placement of the Y on your keyboard seems to have lead you to misplace the ‘i’ in ‘Reality Bites’, which probably explains why you are a secondary English teacher and not a firstary one. Also, you seem to have been shown up by Bloomi Bolokov who has managed to use a semi-colon. Keep up the good work with the games though. I had cynoids once so I’m not sure I want to play a game based around the experience but I might give this one a go to face my demons.
April 1st, 2010 on 12:45 am
Hey Karl, I had fun playing your game. I even liked the sentimental music just like off the Amiga games I used to play as a kid.
FEEDBACK:
My only problem would be that you can’t strafe diagonally as a rule, and sometimes you have to wait for the ship to stop moving in one direction before going in another. Also, it made my start bar disappear, but then the screen saver does that too so it’s probably just Windows 7 being all glitchy and shit again. I rue the day I ever torrented that bastard operating system, I tell you.
Thanks! You helped me to defer my looking at filth for a short while. Unfortunately, not for good. Sih. A-FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP SPUNK &c.
April 1st, 2010 on 3:02 pm
Karl, two things.
1. Make a Flash version of everything. That way, people will actually play it.
2. Make a fucking Flash version.
Bonus thing: There is no irony in you being an English teacher, though the fact you thought there was is itself deeply ironic.
April 1st, 2010 on 3:13 pm
1. No
2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Bonus thing: Well done.
April 1st, 2010 on 5:54 pm
Oh, and for those who wonder why I hate Plymouth, watch this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWKzb84Z_Os
April 1st, 2010 on 7:10 pm
I live in Manadon, and as I couldn’t bare to watch the rest of that video above, I’m hoping it wasn’t name checked!
April 1st, 2010 on 8:23 pm
When I lived in Cornwall, Plymouth was the exciting big city. Those youths would’ve seemed like sophisticated metropolitan types to little me.
April 1st, 2010 on 9:28 pm
Bloody hell, those two scrotes make me glad I’m Welsh and proud of the Safe-as-F**K GLC…
You knows it.
April 2nd, 2010 on 11:02 am
You’d need to reconfigure the living fuck out of a Space Shuttle to use it as a jet fighter. Your best bet would be to reconfigure it from the ground up with a big fire and start from scratch. Space Shuttles fly pretty much the same way bricks do; i.e not really.
I understand that the hard fusion cannon fits in the cargo bay, but really the whole thing would be more effective and more terrifying to the enemy mounted on the roof of a MkI Transit. Like an Early Eighties British Sitcom Alien Defense System. Otherwise known as EEBSADS.
April 2nd, 2010 on 10:00 pm
Sounds like a Silkworm/SWIV style sequel should be in the works…
April 2nd, 2010 on 11:10 pm
I am highly tempted to steal that idea, GigerPunk.
The sequel is inevitable; it’s only been 3 days and already it’s the most downloaded thing on my site. It will have to wait, though.
I intend to do sod-all over this bank holiday weekend. I have cracked open Game Maker 7 already, and I started on the first level of the “Sonic and Cream” game. I got it up and running in a very basic, most-collisions-not-yet-working way. Here’s a screenshot, I’m trying to capture a bit more of the Sonic ‘vibe’ – http://bedroomcoder.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/creamscreen.jpg
Then after that I am remaking Palace Software’s “Evil Dead” game, but attempting to make it not shit in the process.
Then I might find some time to do a sequel to Cynoids. So, probably a long way off yet.
April 4th, 2010 on 3:07 pm
That’s a good start, but presumably Cream won’t be wearing clothes in the final version?
April 6th, 2010 on 2:57 pm
Not only is the game made, but I have released the GMK Game Maker file, so that anyone who wants to make their own Sonic game can have a head start.
They’ll mostly only have to do some dragging and dropping too…
April 6th, 2010 on 5:09 pm
My idea! Not Giger’s! He was just commenting on my idea! Not that I really mind though. Steal away.
The EEBSADS Hard Fusion cannon + MK1 Transit that I’m imagining isn’t anything like as athletic as the jeep in Silkworm though, I’m afraid. It can manage a speed bump, but only if you slow down to 1.6mph.
It can be stopped (or at least badly damaged) if the invading force has the foresight to leave lines of breeze-blocks across the road at strategic locations. The gameplay would mainly consist of walking around the Transit, kicking the wheels, pulling off broken bits of trim and saying “so it’s properly dead this time then – The Cynoids have won”
A power-up could be a bloke called ‘Eddie the Fitter’ who has special powers of coaxing a few more miles out of terminally sick elderly Transits.
Sounds good this, eh?
April 6th, 2010 on 7:26 pm
I think that was safely your idea, I just imagined it as Silkworm. Only instead of a nippy jeep or beaten up old transit, I imagined an old Mk1 Land Rover trundling along instead, the reason for which is I suspect my mind phased out at the words ‘Mark’ and ‘one’ and instantly completed it with what I felt was the obvious choice for a game. A game where aliens are threatning Zorg’s chickens, obviously. Think like Revenge of the Mutant Camels for mad shit thrown at you constantly while you trundle along in a rather unweildy beast.
There you go, there’s another take on the game idea. In my mind, this is exactly how hollywood does movie-rewrites. Maybe you could get get Steve Buscemi to star?
April 6th, 2010 on 9:03 pm
As somebody who recruits for a major games company, top flight world wide game team, I can tell you that this is better than some of the shite I get to look at.
Things I like about it:
1. It actually has a score
2. It has progression
3. The collision detection works
4. It has game mechanics
5. The guy has done it in his own time
If this came with a top notch CV (rounded individual, wide range of programming languages including web development) / degree (2:1 or above in hardcore engineering subject (maths, computing, electrical engineering, physics NOT a game degree course)) then based on that I’d interview.
April 6th, 2010 on 9:51 pm
This time next week Karl won’t be allowed to email me direct any more and will have to liaise via a PR man, who will edit all all the good questions before forwarding the interview request :(
April 7th, 2010 on 2:54 pm
I have just bought a book on Java, but in between coursework marking and getting my ‘nurture groups’ through their GCSEs it’ll probably take me a year to get to grips with it… :(
So it looks like I shall remain a hobbyist, at least for now! :D
April 8th, 2010 on 6:23 pm
I want to mention the spelling error in the manual but it might just be part of the retro feel of the game.
“They were able to buid twelve.”
Or was that Zorg’s sloppy hand at work again? No doubt it was missed during the spellcheck as every one fell asleep during the first few chapters of your backstory.
April 8th, 2010 on 7:19 pm
It was my typo. It’s what I get for typing it up in Notepad…
I never really intended anyone to read the story anyway; that came about after a couple of cans of Red Bull, and isn’t exactly my finest hour.