We have been significantly out-crazied to a ridiculously high multiple by reader “GigerPunk,” who has also managed to shame our attempts at woodworking and handicraft by assembling this – the Billy Hatcher themed hen house. Here is his DANGEROUSLY UNHINGED tale.


“Had three chickens, wanted to get more. Thus, needed a new, second, coop to keep new chooks separate for a while until they’re all settled and OK to share the current coop.”


“Picked up 2nd coop fairly cheaply from a farm supplies shop nearby, where it had been sitting outside, gently rotting, for quite a while. Because of this, they were fairly keen to get shot of it and I got it for the knocked down price of 80 quid inc vat and delivery. However, was very basic and think it may actually have been more of a rabbit hutch, seeing as it had no nesting boxes or roosting bars, so needed a door added, roosting bars, etc, etc, along with a lick of paint.”


“Once scrubbed clean of mould and the basic (i.e. bodged) carpentry was completed, it needed painting. Plain white seemed far too dull so I wondered what I could paint on it (and what was within my skill level with brushes and paint). Billy Hatcher just popped into my head as being the perfect chicken-related thing to paint for some reason, and so…”


“Source pictures were copied onto phone and taken to local B&Q, where I matched the basic colours as best I could. Colours chosen were:

Dulux Treacle Tart 1 (Brown)
Dulux Nectar Jewels 5 (Flesh)
Dulux Azure Sky 1 (Blue)
Dulux Sun Dust 2 (Yellow)
Dulux Red Stallion 2 (Red)
Dulux Night Jewels 1 (Black)

Bought 1 small (250ml) pot of each (about £2.50 or thereabouts iirc), plus a pack of cheap brushes (about a fiver) and a pack of small ‘artists’ brushes (about a fiver again) The white was a ‘cheap’ (i.e. 10 quid, cheaper than others) 750ml tin of b&q brand plain white exterior gloss (that I needed a second tin of in the end as I’d used no primer so the wood just drank the first coat and still showed all the grain…we live and learn. Total so far: £125 or thereabouts.”


“Used a projector to display the chosen image onto the side of the coop, then roughly traced over that with a permanent marker. Surprisingly tricky to trace something when your hand casts a shadow, obscuring what you’re trying to trace. Once that was done, painted the basic flat colours and waited for it to dry. (Covered to stop rain, leaves, dirt and chickens sticking to the work-in-progress. Somehow 2 of them (Daisy and Gracey) still managed to get white paint on them…although, thinking about it, Amelia might have as well, but as she’s white anyway it’s hard to tell.)”


“A few days later, mixed the paints up a bit into lighter and darker shades and started adding the shading. Did a couple of colours one evening, another few on another day, took about a month in total but only really about 8 hours or so of actual sitting-there-painting. Once all the shading was done, then went round outlines again with the finer brushes. Once that was complete, had to buy a tin of clear varnish as the cheap Dulux sample tins are only available as water-based stuff, suitable for indoor use, but not for being left outdoors on a chicken coop. So add another tenner to the overall cost = £135. Now complete, varnished and housing two ‘bluebell’ chickens – Agatha and Tabatha.”


“And I now have several 3/4 full tins of paint and various jam jars with splashes of mixed up shades of colours in, sat in the shed making me wonder what to paint next? And if that’s all far too dull and workman-like, here’s a pretentious write up on/review of the artistic side…” – GigerPunk.

“Let us consider this new Mixed media installation recently created and displayed in South Wales.

“It has a naive rustic charm, which contrasts beautifully with the clean and crisp lines of the original piece created by Sonic Team from which inspiration for this work was obviously drawn as well as a pop-art copyist simplicity not seen since the works of Lichtenstein and encompassing both video game art, post-structuralism and carpentry.

“It is absolutely perfect in its setting and placement, seeming at first inspection to be an almost purely functional piece work, but comes alive due to its delightful aesthetic features, not least of which is the way the artist forces one to come down to the level of a child (or even, once might say, a simple chicken) in order to view it clearly.

“Seemingly almost inspired by Humes principles of pains and pleasures, the childlike use of colours and brushwork mirrors perfectly the immature nature of the original subject matter, whilst the imperfections brought about by the natural grain of the wood, coupled with the warping caused by it being left out in the rain for many weeks before paint was applied symbolizes the absolute essence of a joyful game ruined by a pig of a collision detection system that caused you to become separated from your all-important egg when it was least convenient.

“In short, it is an interesting work from this new artist, an up and coming rural equivalent to the more urban ‘Banksy’ and I keenly await the next addition to Giger’s oeuvre.

“I would value this piece, for insurance purposes, at approximately 100 pounds.”

Oh, and one more thing… hold tight. You were reading all of the above with a Welsh accent, yes?

Never before has a man been so thoroughly documented.