Bear these official figures in mind next time you hear Sony bragging about how many million PS3s it has “shipped”:

1. Nintendo DS Lite: 194,526
2. Nintendo Wii: 83,754
3. PlayStation Portable: 35,700
4. PlayStation 2: 20,995
5. PlayStation 3: 19,996
6. Xbox 360: 7,365

WHAT SONY MEANS WHEN IT SAYS “SHIPPED”:

Moved from regional storage facility A to regional storage facility B

Put on a boat to somewhere else that may want them

In a lorry

In a pile waiting to be put on a lorry

Hidden in the ground

Joy through numbers.

Currently working as a DJ and music producer, under his full birth name Alexander Robotnick:

He’s lost quite a bit of weight, but those tell-tale glasses and that fearsome grimace give away his identity.

Losing the moustache has taken years off him too.

Who would’ve thought such an innocent could grow up to unleash such terror upon the world? More childhood Robotnik photos here. He seems to have lived a full and varied life echoing that of Geroge Harrison, apart from the bit where he becomes a techno DJ at the end.

Alex is alive and well, and is currently working as a DJ in Plymouth:

Although DJ-ing in Union Street to a bunch of pissed-up squaddies on shore leave means he’ll be dead very soon.

Tomorrow: Dr Robotnik.

If we’re noted as ‘Away’ on MSN for more than two hours, someone please call an ambulance.

Maybe next year the Oxford English will pick up on them.

As it was the day in which we added the word “Dreamcast” into our Google spellchecker custom dictionary. One minute’s silence please:

Maybe tomorrow we’ll add ‘Ikaruga’, then on Wednesday we could do ‘Silvergun’. Wouldn’t want to do too many emotionally sensitive words at once, as the pain is still only barely concealed.

Well done, PlayStation3. Well done on having lots of really old European launch games that don’t work as well online as they did a year ago. If only Sony was this inept in 1999 we’d all be playing Dreamcast 2 right now.

PS3’S GROUNDBREAKING UK LAUNCH LINE-UP INCLUDES:

Call of Duty 3

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance

Tony Hawk’s Project 8

Sonic the Hedgehog

World Snooker Championship 2007

NBA 2K7

NHL 2K7

Blazing Angels Squadrons of WWII

Enchanted Arms

Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Double Agent

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Fight Night Round 3

Need for Speed Carbon

The Godfather: The Don’s Edition

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2007

F.E.A.R.

Not to mention Genji and the downloadable Sudoku game it had to mention to make the list look bigger. Never before has there been such an obsolete and unwanted games machine. It’s not even funny. It’s beyond comedic interpretation. It’s baffling and a little bit frightening what’s happening to Sony right now. We don’t even have to apply negative spin – the pure facts are disastrous enough.

SOME NEGATIVE SPIN JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE:

Oblivion! New on PlaySta… oh.

Fight Night Round 3! New on PlaySta… oh.

Call of Duty 3! New on PlaySta… oh.

Blazing Angels! New on PlaySta… oh. And so on. You get the point.

Hot off the brainwaves of the average European gamer:

FACT 1: No one really cares

FACT 2: It’s too much money

FACT 3: Shifting all the machines from unsold piles in American and Japanese warehouses to an unsold pile in a European warehouse isn’t going to help Sony’s ‘bottom line’ in the short to medium term

FACT 4: The best game is a free demo

FACT 5: ‘Best’ in the context of PS3 means ‘6/10 at a push’

FACT 6: The ‘Average Joe’ already thinks PS3 is an over-priced flop, thanks to low-level guerilla marketing by the New York Times and all of The Internet.

FACT 7: Virtua Tennis 3 will have online play on Xbox 360, so don’t go throwing that one back in our faces

FACT 8: Tell pikey Britain that it needs to replace its Only Fools and Horses DVDs with new Blu-ray editions and it will stub a cigarette out in your face.

FACT 9: 599 dollars actually translates to 303 pounds, NOT 425

FACT 10: 60,000 yen actually translates to 250 pounds, NOT 425

Figure a: Ken reveals genius Euro PS3 scheme. JUST SAY NO.

We’ve finally got around to making a UKR TV show for the internet. Enjoy.

“I found a whole shelf of these languishing on a shelf in Fulbourn Tesco (just outside Cambridge)”

BUY ONE NOW! Or wait another week and get one from the skip.

Here’s a rubbish update about something being good:

Next Wednesday’s Xbox Live Arcade download is something good for a change – new skins and modes for Lumines Live. They look pretty. Look. We’ve done something about them they’re so pretty:

We nearly did something about Lumines Live when it came out – but sensationally didn’t.

We should’ve, as it’s a very, very good game, just like Lumines. It’s ruined by the Xbox 360’s rubbish d-pad quite a bit and is all jerky online, but is still very good if you play it obsessively to score a high score and don’t mind that it resets the scoreboards every week.

And we played it for 50 hours more than we played Gears of War, so all the cocks who moaned about it being too expensive are incredibly wrong. In total, Lumines Live costs less than half the price of a ‘normal’ game. Yet it is better. That’s not a rip-off in the slightest, it was just badly organised.

Now there are more bits to download, some of which are free, some of which are only 100 points for the time being which is practically free. So there. This sounds like a press release, but we felt an urge to redress the balance and ‘do something’ about Lumines Live, seeing as it’s great.