It took us a while, but we actually managed to lower the bar to somewhere beneath the Earth’s crust.

Ahh, lovely Seaman. For six months in 2001 the talking fish was our best friend and pretty much the only thing we spoke to on a daily basis.

WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A FRIEND AGAIN!!!

The only people who should be panicking at this news is Sega’s shareholders.

We’re no experts in Japanese, but this image would appear to hint that Seaman 2 will come with its own controller and is going to be 42 something. Maybe it will cost 42 pounds, or have 42 characters, or use 42 channels for the sound. The stick layout is also a bit like a Dreamcast’s and the one that came with PS2 Seaman years ago. Pictures really do speak lots of words!

Let’s go and see what’s at www.seaman.tv together right now!

SHIT! THERE’S LOADS OF STUFF! It’s like Sega is still making quirky games for only 1000 people in the whole world to buy again! It’s like being young and not having knees that always hurt again! Let’s all be temporarily happy, before the numbing, miserable depression of everyday life sets in again. Yep, there it is. Stupid games. Stupid internet. Stupid exclamation marks. Stupid everything.

“n/t”

But here’s a nice screenshot of Sonic with sunglasses on his head. Yuji Naka obviously wasn’t paying attention to what hedgehogs are actually like when he went to that hedgehog sanctuary the other day.

Maybe the Japanese have only just started the trend of wearing sunglasses on their heads, so this doesn’t seem so rubbish to them?

OTHER ‘COOL’ THINGS SONIC MIGHT DO IN ‘SONIC RIDERS’

– Slam dunks!
– Chill out at McDs!
– Bust radical air!
– DJing! (mixing, scratching, wearing headphones on only one ear etc)
– Tag some billboards with his graffiti!
– Wheelies!
– Complete a Rubik Cube in 30 seconds!
– Breakdancing moves at the end of a level!
– Ask Tails to throw his hands in the air like he just don’t care!
– Cut his arms while listening to Joy Division and drinking SPAR vodka!

But we’re going to upload an image of it anyway, because it’ll make the bloke who keeps emailing us about robot games happy.

And uploading images of new games is a lot easier than facing our erotic Virtua Tennis fan fiction, which isn’t going that well and now won’t be debuting until at least Monday due to erotic fan fiction writer’s block. That’s what happens when you write the ending first.

Because bandwidth just doesn’t matter at a time like this!!

New Sonic 1
New Sonic 2
New Sonic 3
New Sonic 4

“Unparalleled sense of speed” also promised!

SEGA REINVENTS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG EXPERIENCE FOR NEXT-GENERATION VIDEO GAME PLATFORMS

Gaming Icon to Celebrate 15th Year on PS3 and Xbox 360

SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON (September 9, 2005) – SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. today announced the development of a brand new Sonic title, Sonic The Hedgehog, intended for the PLAYSTATION3 (PS3) computer entertainment system and the Xbox 360 video game and entertainment system from Microsoft. SEGA hopes the reinvention of this popular franchise will thrill both the long-time Sonic fans as well as a new generation of gamers with the exciting speed and action only possible on next-generation platforms.

Sonic The Hedgehog for PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360 will be developed under the direction of Yuji Naka, award-winning developer known for creating the hugely successful SEGA franchise. With an innovative combination of art, physics and game design, SEGA and Mr. Naka expect to create the most intense sensation of speed ever experienced in videogames. Sonic The Hedgehog for next-gen is expected to ship on multiple platforms in conjunction with the character’s 15th anniversary in 2006.

“Sonic The Hedgehog represents the most recognizable example of classic SEGA properties that we will recreate for the PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360,” said Naoya Tsurumi, CEO of SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. “When Sonic The Hedgehog debuted on the SEGA Genesis in 1991, he reinvented the action-platform genre with speed and attitude. By harnessing the power of these new platforms, we are confident that Sonic will once again raise the bar for action gaming in 2006 and beyond.”

“We are proud to re-create our famous friend, Sonic, for a new generation of gamers on PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360,” said Yuji Naka, R&D Creative Officer, SEGA Corporation. “With Sonic The Hedgehog, we have gone back to our starting point, more than 15-years ago, to reinvent the attitude and speed that made our hero a legend. The ‘rebirth of Sonic’ will offer an unparalleled sense of speed that is only possible using the processing power afforded by the new systems.”

Sonic and his friends are among the most recognizable icons in video games. Since his birth 14 years ago, Sonic The Hedgehog has spanned several generations of video game systems, appearing in over 30 games that have sold more than 38 million units of software. Consistently a top-selling franchise, Sonic The Hedgehog continues to be a popular icon worldwide in 2005 and one of the most recognized and celebrated video game characters of all time. SEGA has decided not to announce product, or release details at this time.

Finally HE has come to take us away from all this!

There is nothing cynical or satirical to say about THAT.

Floor plans, that is:

Just think — one of those is Japanese for Sega!

TGS 2005 floor plan

The Matthew Smith legend is an enduring mystery steeped in the misguided joy of our youths. Mum! Mum! Doctor Who’s starting! No, I can’t get out of the bath, I haven’t got a warm towel! Here’s a rundown of the current rumour mill regarding our Matt, in order of ridiculousness.

1) Matt made a lot of money from the Jet Set Willy games and doesn’t want to be found.

2) Matt never existed. The name “Matthew Smith” was merely a clever codeword for the Tandy computers upon which the games were conceptualised.

3) Matt made his fortune from the games then spazzed it all on dangerous substances and ended up on the funny farm for good.

4) Matt had a nervous breakdown from cash problems, and now lives in a Norwegian squat rebuilding his life with the proceeds he makes from his new life as a bicycle repair man.

5) Matt is alive, healthy, working in a mediocre software-related job and trying to avoid all the cunts who have made it their holy war to remind him how old he is.

6) Matt made a terrible game on a terrible computer that people are still talking about.

Oh, well. There’s another mystery of life placed on a barrel and crushed by a comedically long foot. Be here next week when we reveal that Gunpei Yokoi, Richie from The Manics and Dumbledore are all still alive, they just hate you.