Forget the Xbox 360 launch, ignore PlayStation3, leave Nintendo DS the hell alone — it was all about feeling girls at E3 2005. And this is the most astonishing 2005 E3 “booth babe” feature of all, one posted by a bloke in a wheelchair who uses his pretend disability to GROPE WOMEN, take sick UPSKIRT PHOTOS and do the sort of things that normally get you escorted out of places.

Being disabled ROCKS, you get to grope women AND are always sitting down!

This reminds us of a really long-winded thing we wrote but never used about how it must be great to go through life with only one arm or leg. Because if you only have one arm or leg there’s no expectation to achieve anything or do anything with your life, so if, say, you manage to get a job at McDonalds while only having one leg, everyone thinks you’re some kind of *hero*. Easy life!

A FEW MORE E3 ‘BOOTH BABE’ FEATURES, THIS TIME NOT FEATURING DISABILITY SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET TURNED ON:

JEUX FRANCE
“Les booth babes de l’E3 2005”

THE TECH ZONE
“E3 booth babes”

GAME GAL (WARNING: SOME MEN)
“E3 2005 Hall of Shame”

1UP
“Booth babe Gallery”

IGN
“Babes of E3 2005: More Assorted Hotness”

IGN
“Babes of True Crime”

IGN
“Babes of Nyko”

Found any more? Email them in. And be thankful E3 isn’t held in Germany.

In the interests of impartiality, we present this new “screenshot” from Xbox 360 game Gears of War.

Looking suspiciously ten times better than anything else Microsoft has shown for its new machine so far, is MS “pulling a Sony” (this means LYING) in the wake of its E3 battering?

We hope this is Xbox 360-powered for reasons we can’t go into.

For the particular benefit of any UK journalists who went this year.

E4 SUMMARY — DISAPPOINTING

We stayed up all night to watch E4, and there wasn’t anything mentioned about video games at all :(

Joey and Chandler did play on a PS2 for a bit, but it was the old model. Glad we didn’t go all the way to America for this.

Here’s what we saw on E4:

9:00pm — The OC. Nothing mentioned about PS3 or Nintendo Revolution.

10:00 — Six Feet Under. Failed to reveal Xbox 360 specs.

11:00 — Friends. Nintendo Revolution controller not featured.

11:30 — Friends. No more PS3 games announced.

12:00 — Dawson’s Creek. Joey and Dawson reveal no next-gen console details.

E4 — rubbish.

From yesterday’s Evening Standard, which we fortuitously found on a train. It’s the old “Oooh, aren’t games getting more realistic?” case study, in which lots of old men who don’t play games pretend they’re REALLY OFFENDED by something which they don’t really even understand. Kudos to the ever-present ELSPA man for making it sound like piracy is the problem.

KEY PHRASE TO LOOK OUT FOR:
“The Microsoft console has graphics so powerful that explosions, blood and shootings look realistic”

Finding this was one of those great coincidences. We only get a “free” Evening Standard about once every 20 train journeys, so imagine our surprise on getting one AND it having a Sega story in it! Chance in a million! There was also a lovely photo of Kirstie Allsopp on the TV listings page. Email us if you also have a fetish for podgy women in big coats and scarves wearing bright green shoes. We could probably be friends.

Turns out Channel 4 cut her out of the 100 Greatest War films, AND her web site is flogging off all her stuff cheap. It’s like she’s died*. But she hasn’t!

AND THE REAL REASON WE DID THIS NEWS:

*If she was to die, we’d put our money on her falling off a balcony at a party while high on a cocktail of drink and drugs. The post mortem would reveal she recently had sex with three different men. Luckily, she’s STILL ALIVE! :)

Yes, it was definitely Gizmondo.

FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
Do more of this. It seems to work quite well, especially on the internet.

…because there was already enough geeky men standing around with digital cameras. Nice ironic photo of people taking photos, though.

Would the fact that we’re twice the age of these kids have made us cooler or sadder in the eyes of the booth babes?

Gizmondo!

It was the centre of attention, almost, thanks to the slutty Gizmondo booth babes. And so the Gizmondo cash continues to BURN AWAY, as the neglected handheld (far left) looks on, folornly, knowing its brief time here has already passed.

FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
At least make your bitches HOLD ONE at all times. We could’ve easily cropped the actual machine out of this photo.

This is Sega’s PS3/Xbox 360/Nintendo Revolution/Landisk HDL-W500U next-gen game “sampler” E3 presentation, apparently designed to show what its key games — Sonic, Afterburner, House of the Dead and something with robots in — will look like when actually made for Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3.

You can’t SEE anything — apart from the ceiling of the demo room and some blurry things on a screen — but it’s clear from the blurry things that these games will redefine the world of games for a generation. Because they’re… BY SEGA.

It’s the Sega logo! Which means what we’re about to see is AUTOMATICALLY going to be the best thing we’ve ever seen. That may sound sarcastic, but it’s actually how we really think.

Wow! It’s a something! Nobody makes somethings look as good as Sega!

Ah, right. It was a Virtua Fighter stage. Even though we can’t see anything, it’s easy to see that this is the greatest thing ever. That’s how being a Sega fan works.

This is obviously going to be the greatest flight shooter of all time! Although there’s a sizeable chance that by the time it comes out in 2008 or whenever we’ll realise it’s just the same game underneath and give it a non-commital 7/10.

It’s a blue thing surrounded by green! This is EXACTLY what we like most! Like sexy underwear, it’s all about what you CAN’T see.

And Sega fans across the globe simultaneously ejaculate upon the same Digestive biscuit (Ken Kutaragi has to eat it). Sega’s secret E3 showing was clearly amazing, even though you couldn’t really see a thing. There ends our compulsory strand of E3 Sega love.