There’s a new employment scheme in Bournemouth:

We’re often asked why we hate modern youth culture so much — THIS IS WHY:

Can you believe this? Can you actually believe this? This photo was in “serious newspaper” The Times yesterday.

Battle Raper 2 is a fighting game where the women get their clothes torn off, then WEIRD SEX THINGS happen. You’re sold, right?

Battle Raper 2 looks like any other substandard fighting game, say, like one made in 3D by SNK.

Only it gets a bit saucy. It’s got lovely girls in and you can smash off their clothes as they fight.

And it has some sort of ‘View Mode’ for just looking at the women. This is great. We like just looking! It’s so much better than the strategy of “trying to take part and then being rejected”.

You can make them open their legs to examine thigh bruises and then heal them. If you’re finding this all a bit unsavoury that’s a GOOD sign. It means you’re quite normal.

There’s proper nudity and even ACTUAL SEX. Look at the bottom-left bit — he’s ACTUALLY HAVING SEX with her!

You can grope them with a disembodied hand…

…even DOWN THERE!

It’s going to be even more popular than Grand Theft Auto!

Then you spunk on their tummies and lose interest. This bit is so amazing we tried to rip a movie of it — but it was a weird format we couldn’t edit. Sorry about that. The whole thing’s on the internet here (26Mb PSP format executable MP4 movie file). It really is worth seeing, even if you live in Cornwall and have to spend a whole day downloading it on a modem.

Battle Raper 2. Out now! *SCRUBS SKIN WITH BLEACH*

Gotham 3 has got its own blog! It’s not cynical or about the games industry (that’s so last month), it’s about how AWESOME the road is going to be in Project Gotham Racing 3 for Xbox 360.

This is a screenshot of the road in Gotham 3:

“We’ve got diffuse textures, specular maps, bump maps, and more textures (at different scaling) to ensure that you never see a repeated bit of tarmac. Every inch of every track will look unique, which is no small feat considering we’re building huge areas of cities.”

WE WILL BE CHECKING TO SEE IF THAT IS TRUE.

Gotham 3 development blog: BizarreOnline.net – Never drink the random purple beverage, it hurts

If you’re bored of games, STOP CHURNING OUT THE MARIO SHITE.

Imagine how much worse it is for us!

MIYAMOTO SAID…
“I want [developers] to make more unique products” before, probably, enthusing about his innovative recent Nintendo products such as Super Mario Strikers, Mario Tennis, Mario Party 7, Mario Party Advance, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, Mario Baseball and Super Mario 64 DS.

AND!
The interview with Shigeru “Innovation” Miyamoto then had the audacity to suggest that “he’s trying to encourage developers to think outside of the genres that have become so well known in the industry”.

Nintendo has moved to the realm that exists beyond comedy. Say hello to the cast and crew of “Joey” while you’re there.

Nintendo’s Miyamoto: We’re happy with the road we’re taking – Jun. 3, 2005

Unoriginal, two-faced, shameless, Mario-whoring charlatan Shigeru Miyamoto — Championing original games (and Super Mario Strikers, Mario Tennis, Mario Party 7, Mario Party Advance, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, Mario Baseball and Super Mario 64 DS).

Speculative searching by keen reader spots Play.com indulging in “humour”! If only more major web sites made jokes in their product listings.

Play.com’s random Chocolate Orange incident. Will probably have been changed by the time you click on it.

So there we were, us and Ulala, just fooling around with a camera in the bedroom like young lovers do, when the MAGIC happened! She was electrifying, like a young Kate Moss. Beautiful. See how Ulala came alive:

What’s good for getting semen stains out of toys? And carpets? And curtains? And sofas? And wallpaper? And denim? And leather?

Featuring the astonishing “Premature Flesh is the Area Which Became Wet Hotly” and the classy “High Grade Class First Soap Lady”.

Every day we want a PSP a little bit more.
*SELLING OUT EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE IN SMILEY FACE*

Kyonyu Nurse Mitsu Amai (The Nurse of a Big Breast)
Release: 2005/7/8
Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
Digital Mosiac: No
Price: 3800yen

Make a play of Riko Tachibana (Goku Hong)
Release: 2005/7/8
Media/length: UMD Video, 110mins
Digital Mosiac: Yes
Price: 3800yen

Soap Play of Anna Kaneshiro (High Grade Class First Soap Lady)
Release: 2005/7/8
Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
Digital Mosiac: Yes
Price: 2800yen

Premature flesh is the area which became wet hotly (Hunting by Glay’s One)
Release: 2005/7/22
Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
Digital Mosiac: No
Price: 3800yen

Erotic Terrorist Beautiful Body Noa (The Beautiful Body Ero Egoist)
Release: 2005/7/22
Media/length: UMD Video, 110mins
Digital Mosiac: No
Price: 2800yen

NOT-SAFE-FOR-WORK EXAMPLE LINK TO BOX ART:
Here (free worldwide shipping).

Although, compared to, say, attempted murder or dealing heroin, it is really. Here’s another thing we’ve just stolen out of today’s Sun newspaper, an advert for anti-piracy web site www.piracyisacrime.com which — as you’ll see below — has gone slightly mad in its attempt to say that piracy is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

We don’t buy pirate DVDs at work, we buy soup that costs one pound from Bene Bene across the road and occasionally a sandwich that’s 2.75 from Pret a Manger. If the afternoon’s really dragging we might go out to get a Double Decker or a Twix. These are all victimless transactions.

AND THIS IS EVEN WORSE
Here’s a picture of Jonathan Ross on a bike thing, telling us the quite ludicrous fact that “People traffickers force immigrants to sell pirate DVDs on the streets”. There are loads more stupid pictures like this here.

This photo opportunity is not a victimless crime. The victim here is poor JONATHAN ROSS.

Can you please stop putting an exclamation mark on the end of Xbox Live. You’ve got it confused with Vodafone Live! which does have an exclamation mark. Xbox Live is just Xbox Live. You’re making yourself look like a bit of a spaz in front of three million people every week.

We’re just trying to help. Although if anyone from The Sun would like a more factually accurate games section written for a very competitive rate, please get in touch. We can be racist about gypsies and foreigners, too.