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ASTEROID CRASH – EXCLUSIVE REVIEW

SEGA’s made another free internet game. This way is best, as you’re left much less broken and disappointed when it turns out to be rubbish.

But Asteroid Crash is actually quite good!

Monkey Ball promotional mini game

Asteroid Crash proves Commandment One of the video game world – anything that involves the collecting/gathering/sorting of bananas will always be good.

And a great source of potassium

The game reinforces the message that bananas are a force of good by telling you you’re bad if you shoot a banana.

Shoot

It also proves Commandment Two – You should always be able to explain how to play a game and what it’s about in one sentence, else it’s too contrived.

From the maker of Chaos Crush

It’s by Michael Dobbins again. When he puts his mind to it he can deliver. Well done, Mike. We’re saddened that you haven’t responded to our interview request yet :(

The End

Nice, but not really anything to do with Monkey Ball. 7/10.

PLAY IT HERE:
Super Money Ball: Banana Blitz. ASTEROID CRASH MINIGAME (capital letters SEGA’s own).

SOME OTHER VIDEO GAME COMMANDMENTS:

  • All the buttons should just be ‘jump’
  • Music shouldn’t have lyrics, but if it has to the lyrics should only be about how nice a place the game world is
  • Girl characters should be rubbish and slow
  • The plot should only be mentioned in the manual
  • The sky should be blu… oh. Have we done this before?
  • Comments (6)

    TRIP HAWKINS HAS HAD ANOTHER AMAZING IDEA

    Remember Trip Hawkins? Probably not. Anyway, his company Digital Chocolate has had another trademark AMAZING IDEA. His idea is as follows:

    New mobile game develops your brain

    Digital Chocolate’s Brain JuiceTM game lets phone users train their mental muscles anywhere

    Sydney, Australia, October 17, 2006 – Digital Chocolate, Inc., a leading publisher of high-quality, original (HA HA HA!) software for mobile phones has today announced the launch of its latest mobile game, Brain JuiceTM. The game, which has been designed to exercise the brain, is the first in a series of Brain JuiceTM games to be published throughout the last quarter of 2006.

    Brain JuiceTM can be played on any mobile handset and provides brainteasers and puzzles from three categories: mathematic, visual, and memory, offering different challenges to the brain. The problems are suitable for all ages, with the difficulty level changing according to the user’s progress. For best results, a daily dosage of Brain JuiceTM is recommended.

    Head of Digital Chocolate’s operations in Europe, Managing Director Mr. Ilkka Paananen commented: “The Brain JuiceTM mobile game joins in the growing trend of health-related consumer products. It simply makes mental exercise more enjoyable.” Mr. Paananen also hopes to influence the general perception of mobile games. “Games offer relaxation, stimulation and fun, and this is undoubtedly beneficial for all dwellers of stressed urban environments. We believe Brain Juice will cause a minor revolution in mobile gaming, bringing us more gamers from new user groups, such as academic professionals, women, and baby boomers.”

    The game tracks the players’ progress over time and shows it in the form of a graph, making brain power comparison great fun for the whole family or a group of friends. By excelling at the micro-games inside the game, one can unlock more levels and more micro-games. For additional variation, brain development enthusiasts can order new sets of micro-games monthly. The game can be downloaded via the WAP portal of all major operators and content providers. Brain JuiceTM is available from 3 Mobile from their Planet 3 Content Portal, Vodafone Australia, Vodafone New Zealand, Telstra, Optus, Virgin Mobile Australia and Telecom New Zealand.

    Brain Juice. What a clever new idea

    Mobile phone gaming. Shocking. To the core.

    Comments (10)

    SONIC CHAOS CRUSH – EXCLUSIVE REVIEW

    Call us crazy radicalists, but if we were asked to make a flash game about Sonic for the internet we like to think we could come up with something a little bit more innovative than the world’s 1,500,475th tedious Breakout clone.

    This is clearly symptomatic of the general malaise surrounding the Sonic franchise.

    You can smell the indifference

    At least it makes the ring sound when you press something. 6/10.

    Love Zorgypoos

    Innovative interactive features! Although when we sent ourselves a postcard we just got a broken image. This, once again, is clearly symptomatic of the general malaise surrounding the Sonic franchise.

    A MICHAEL DOBBINS PRODUCTION

    It was made by one man. SEGA should give the contract to make the next Xbox 360 game to Michael Dobbins. Can’t be any worse and he’s bound to be cheaper. If you are Michael Dobbins, please can you email us. We would like to interview you.

    THIS LINK TO THE FLASH GAME MIGHT WORK:
    Sonic Chaos Crush (Breakout).

    Comments (8)

    PAUL MORLEY IS LOOKING OLD THESE DAYS :(

    Overly black emo goth blog Insert Credit managed to beat us in getting a clip of Wii being reviewed on Newsnight’s snobbish-but-fun arts Review section. It was good.

    Stick to inventing Frankie Goes to Hollywood

    It featured arty grown-ups being all coy about actually enjoying playing games, mainly because Wii makes them so easy to play even posh MILFs can manage to work out what’s going on. PS3 didn’t go down so well and was only mentioned in passing. The tide has turned.

    Wii DISCUSSED BY BOFFINS ON NEWSNIGHT:
    YouTube – BBC Newsnight talks about Wii and PS3

    Comments (6)

    PS3 IS GREAT AT DISPLAYING PHOTOGRAPHS

    Specifically the photographs of mountains Sony keeps sending out to illustrate Gran Turismo “HD”.

    Gran Turismo 'HD'

    That’s definitely just a photograph of a mountain. It’s not really impressive that PS3 can display photographs. You can get 1080p photographs off Google, and most phones can display photographs these days.

    Sony Picture and Fax Viewer 3.0

    Philips CDi could display photographs as backgrounds. So could the MEGA CD. This is not clever.

    Adobe Mountain Viewer 7.0 CS Edition

    You can see the join.

    $600 Picture Book

    Sony certainly faces its own ‘Everest’ in making people believe any of the shit it churns out these days.

    IN NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:
    Sony expects us to be impressed by Singstar’s ability to play back music.

    Comments (10)

    SOME OUT-OF-CONTEXT SCREENSHOTS OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG THAT LOOK A BIT LIKE SEX IS HAPPENING

    This is instead of a review. You really don’t want to read a review and we don’t want to have to write it or be the ones to break it to you. Writing a review of Sonic on Xbox 360 would be like writing a letter to a child explaining that their dog has died, and that the reason the dog died is because it was in the car with mummy when it got stuck under a lorry and caught fire.

    It’s better to just laugh at the silly bits that look like inter-species sex and pretend everything’s still all OK:

    EVERYTHING IS STILL OK

    In the overall scheme of things, Xbox 360 Sonic The Hedgehog ranks beneath Game Gear Sonic Drift 2 and just above Tails’ Skypatrol in the list of all-time best Sonic games.

    It's... our fault?

    It’s OK, Sonic, let’s not get into the nitty-gritty of who’s fault it is now. We’ll do that at length over the next three years on various internet forums.

    SONIC SEX XXX

    Doesn’t this look like sex is about to happen? Xbox 360 Sonic is out today. There are some reviews of it on the internet, but you’d be best off not reading them if you love or even used to like Sonic a bit. Just watch the bizarre end sequence movies and leave it at that.

    Deep down nothing is OK any more

    This is a pretty one. You can click on it to look at it full size – it’s so pretty we went the extra mile with the html and image resizing. If you just look at this one image for a very long time and don’t think about anything else you might be able to convince yourself everything really is still OK.

    Comments (23)

    SOMETHING ABOUT ‘VIDEOGAIDEN’ THEN

    We never liked Consolevania. Well, we never watched it, actually, as it was suddenly the new funny thing that everyone liked a few years ago, which meant we had to not like it as that’s just how we are. We can’t go liking and watching a thing that everyone else likes. Also, it didn’t load the first time we tried it.

    Anyway, series two of their TV show Videogaiden is now on TV, or a part of the TV called BBC Scotland at least, and you can also watch it on the internet if you live in the right part of the world.

    So here’s something about it.

    Like we always thought it would be, Videogaiden is two podgy blokes with regional accents being all blokey about games while wearing cheap costumes.

    Their big thing is a ‘Make Shenmue III’ campaign. Lots of people emailed us about this suggesting we join in. Sadly, Shenmue is shit and we hope SEGA never makes another one as it would cost too much money and no one would buy it again, just like last time. Also, if we were to do anything about Shenmue III we would have done it five years ago when it was relevant. Consider this a ‘contribution’ to the debate.

    Anyway, the show’s quite watchable even though it’s ‘A Bit YouTube’ in places. And it’s nice to see men who know the subject doing stuff about the subject, instead of a cheap version of Kate Thornton reading out the back of the box.

    You can see it on TV if you live in Scotland or have the internet. It’s not bad. It might even be funny if you can understand their weird Scottish words and sayings. We didn’t laugh at it, but that might be because we’re bitter about it not being us on the telly being all wacky and wearing wigs. Or maybe it’s supposed to be more about games than funny.

    Whatever. Nothing will replace Dominik Diamond :(

    Comments (19)

    THE TRIFORCE HAVE/HAS DONE A BOOK ABOUT GAMES

    And they/it sent us a copy of it, which presumably means we’re allowed to review it and they won’t go mad if we say it’s rubbish.

    Hope we haven't broken Amazon's exclusive

    It’s not rubbish, but also not as good as the book we would’ve written. But no one really wants to publish a million words with no full stops or commas about having anal sex with non-threatening female cartoon characters, so The Triforce would appear to have won this particular battle.

    Bangai-O seemed rubbish for the all-of-five-minutes chance we gave it

    We briefly flicked through it looking for factual inaccuracies to point out, but couldn’t find any because what the hell do we know about The Sims or Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy? This was very disappointing.

    And OutRun2 is mentioned

    It’s got Animal Crossing: Wild World in it, and OutRun, and Lumines, and Tony Hawk 3, so would appear to be on the right track.

    More shame heaped upon Sonic

    WRONG THINGS: Pro Evo 5 is the slowest and worst Pro Evo of them all, Rez is little more than waving your mouse around your PC screen while listening to some music you downloaded but don’t really like, and why isn’t Sonic The Hedgehog in it but Jet Set Radio Future is?

    By gamers, for gamers!!

    “THE GAME IS THE STAR” – this line could only come from people that have sat in numerous development and product marketing meetings.

    Try before you buy!!

    “The most fun you can legally have with your clothes on” is a line we would imagine was inserted by the publisher without the authors’ knowledge or consent, seeing as it really belongs in a 1985 Zzap! magazine review of Paradroid. They’ll probably say it’s meant to be ironic. Taking your clothes off also doesn’t mean more fun – it means being cold and feeling disgusted with yourself.

    Still

    Still, it’s nice to have, especially for free, and a rare thing we got sent that won’t immediately get listed on the mortgage payment war chest fund (eBay). Thanks. We hope we have stimulated debate and enthusiasm for the project.

    AN INTERVIEW WITH ONE OF THE TRIFORCE
    We sent questions via email to all three of the Triforce. David’s answers were abrupt and abusive, Simon’s cleverly highlighted the flaws in the email interview process, and Ste didn’t bother but said he would if we wanted. We said not to bother.

    SO HERE’S SIMON’S INTERVIEW:

    WHY ISN’T SEGA RALLY IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Sonic The Hedgehog

    WHY ISN’T SONIC THE HEDGEHOG IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Daytona USA

    WHY ISN’T DAYTONA USA IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Streets Of Rage 2

    WHY ISN’T STREETS OF RAGE 2 IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Nights

    WHY ISN’T NiGHTS IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Phantasy Star Online

    WHY ISN’T PHANTASY STAR ONLINE IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Shenmue

    WHY ISN’T SHENMUE IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as a Virtua Fighter of any kind

    WHY ISN’T A VIRTUA FIGHTER OF ANY KIND IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Pong

    Comments (17)

    PLAYSTATION3 MAKES GREAT GAMES RUBBISH

    This is how you can play Virtua Tennis 3 on PS3. Dennis Norden would encourage you to file this under ‘Totally Needless Innovations That Actually Make Good Things Worse’:

    PS3 ruins Virtua Tennis

    So now, instead of pressing a button to make the thing you want to happen happen immediately, you wave the controller to maybe make the thing you want to happen happen, or to perhaps make something else happen that you didn’t want to happen at all. Thanks for ruining all our games with your stupid new idea for women and the elderly that everyone’s copying, Nintendo!

    It's all Nintendo's fault

    Game-breaking nonsense. As long as there’s an option to ‘MAKE IT BE LIKE DREAMCAST’ it’ll probably be OK.

    Comments (12)

    A MAN’S ESSAY ABOUT RACISM IN SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG

    We got sent this. It’s by ‘Peter Wilson’. Obviously it’s too many words to bother to read and see if it’s any good or makes sense not, but we’d be mad not to upload an essay called ‘Racism and Shadow The Hedgehog’. So here it is, as we’re definitely not mad.

    Racism and Shadow the Hedgehog
    By Peter Wilson

    Shadow the Hedgehog is an action computer game for the Sony PlayStation 2, Microsoft Xbox and Nintendo Gamecube. Despite its apparent targeting at a younger audience, the game undeniably touches on issues of race, often in an unfair way. Shadow is a black character, as are the main villains of the game. While Shadow is essentially the ‘hero’ of the game, it is not straightforward. Players are given a choice as to whether to be good or evil.

    Unlike his counterpart ‘Sonic’, Shadow, the main character of the game, is not an archetypal hero. He is portrayed as an ‘edgier’ character, having suffered amnesia and therefore having difficulties with his own sense of self. Most importantly of all, whereas Sonic is blue, Shadow’s fur is that of a distinct black. Whereas Sonic would appear on the covers of his games with a big grin on his face, Shadow appears on the cover art with a definite sneer, most notably holding what appears to be a large gun. In the game itself, when Shadow first acquires his firearm, Sonic utters,
    “I wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those.”

    Why is this? Because Sonic is not black? Sonic Team, the creator of the game, are definitely making a point here. Firstly, Sonic is implying that it is not in his character to use guns, does this mean it is in a black persons nature to use guns? In all the many, many Sonic games, Sonic has never once used a gun, but in giving the first black character in the Sonic universe their own spin-off game, they immediately pick up a gun and don’t even question the morality of its usage.

    Secondly, unlike a normal Sonic game, the player of ‘Shadow’ is given the choice as to whether or not to play through the game as ‘good’ or ‘evil’. Why is this? Never once while playing as Sonic have we had the chance to be evil. However, once we switch to Shadow, his black counterpart, many of the games’ objectives are in fact, to do evil deeds. Is it a mere coincidence that the ‘black guy’ has the ability to become evil, while the ‘white guy’ (or in this case blue) does not?

    The bad guys are rather unsubtly named ‘The Black Aliens’. Within the story they have come down to Earth and are causing havoc on the world they’re invading. If this is not a swipe at immigration laws then I don’t know what is. At once the soldiers of Earth (all of them are white) go to war with these black aliens. If a player decides to side with these soldiers these ‘black aliens’ can be killed. However, to side with the aliens, you are not able to kill the soldiers, merely knock them to the ground; either that or simply destroy lifeless robots. The evidence is clear here, you are allowed to kill ‘the blacks’, but you aren’t allowed to kill ‘the whites’. Is the life of a white man really that much more significant than the life of a black man? Were the actions of the ‘Black Aliens’ to be performed by human they would ultimately considered as ‘terrorist’, therefore by this rationale every terrorist must be black.

    While all the characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe have their own distinct personalities (Sonic being the ‘cool’ one, Knuckles being the ‘brash’ one, etc), Shadow on the other hand does not. He is confused and alone; he is essentially a black man in a white man’s world. When the ‘Black Aliens’ come to his Earth, he naturally fears them.

    “Get out of my sight, disgusting black creatures,” is just one of the many racist remarks he himself utters, despite the fact that he is black himself. Only when the story progresses and Shadow realises that he may be of the same origin as the black aliens, does he call their wickedness into question. Is this a knock by Sega at the ‘average’ black man not staying true to his roots in today’s white oriented culture? It seems likely.

    At one point in the game you are forced to decide between siding with the ‘Black Aliens’ or the evil ‘Dr. Robotnik’. For those not familiar with the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, Dr. Robotnik is essentially a fascist dictator with aspirations of world domination. Now, while the black aliens are doing ‘evil’ deeds, Dr. Robotnik has also performed, and continues to perform deeds just as evil. Let us imagine, for argument’s sake, that the Black Aliens and Dr. Robotnik are as ‘evil’ as each other; why so then, is Dr. Robotnik’s cause portrayed as the ‘hero’ option while the side of the ‘Black Aliens’ portrayed as the ‘evil’ option? Is it because Dr. Robotnik is white?

    Shadow the Hedgehog? Ban this racist filth.

    Thanks Peter. We particularly like your use of ‘inverted commas’. We forgot to ask if you are black or not, although ‘Peter Wilson’ doesn’t sound like a black name so you’re probably not. No doubt this will stimulate some heated debate in the Comments field!

    Comments (40)