…for Gizmondo, at least.

We hope Santa got our letter! (the one about us cutting his face if he gives us a Gizmondo)

We got a Christmas card from EA! Not directly, obviously, but from someone popular with EA who got it, laughed at it, then forwarded it on to us. So we’re forwarding it on to you.

“Santa looks like a failed mascot from the 16bit era. It’s too horrible for words. Christmas is dead.” he said. A Christmas sentiment we can all agree with.

FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The only corporate Christmas card we got this year was from Rockstar, which sent out a very nice three-dimensional Christmas tree complete with bad taste bauble stickers to decorate it with. Thanks, Rockstar. Thanks for not remembering to take us off your list like everyone else did this year.

This is an “Xbox 360 Brand Film”!

In it, people popular with youths — or people Microsoft thinks are popular with youths — read scripted segments of dialogue about how Xbox 360 lets you “watch your photos of b-boys and breakers, and also your honeys” (ACTUAL QUOTE!).

Here are a few grabs of the “Xbox 360 Brand Film”. Download the whole movie at the bottom:

We’re not going to rip the piss out of this break-dancing, DJ-scratching, pikey-movie too much — it really would be too easy. Maybe we’ll do a proper piss-ripping update in a year or two, once the Xbox 360 launch heat’s died down a bit.

Here, a man talks about Xbox 360. For some reason, there’s another man break-dancing in the background. Is this what teenagers do these days?

This man is a skateboarder. He calls Xbox 360 a playground.

This is jail-bait MC Lady Sovereign saying “I’m well excited man, yeah” (those were her ACTUAL WORDS!). She also says “I like racing games and beat em ups”. This is so urban.

Then a youth starts break-dancing in front of an Xbox 360 logo, as some scratching DJ plays a track that goes “Yo, yo, y-y-yo” over the top. It’s like an Ali G rip-off!

This man, Tim Watkins, says putting stickers on his Xbox 360 symbolises “human energy”. Which is an amazing coincidence, as “human energy” was also one of Microsoft’s key marketing phrases it outlined at the Xbox 360 unveiling at E3!

This is pro footballer Shaun Wright-Philips deadpanning “The Xbox 360 is all about control” (those were his ACTUAL WORDS.)

Then there’s loads more skateboarding, with the camera zooming in and out really quickly. Teenagers love all that shit!

“When I go away with England and with Chelsea we normally just carry them, we put them in our bags, and we’re on it for a couple of hours” OBVIOUSLY LIES Shaun Wright-Philips while playing FIFA 06 on Xbox 1!

This is someone else break-dancing in front of an Xbox 360 logo. Youth culture is now totally bewildering to us. And, we suspect, to whoever made this film.

Our “main job” involves sometimes having to look people from Microsoft in the eyes. It’s going to be hard after seeing this :(

Download the WORST FILM EVER here [2.9MB WMV file].

DOWNLOAD ADVICE:
This is a big file, which will probably break the web site if everyone downloads it all now in the next five minutes. So we suggest people with surnames starting with the letters A to K download it today, and people with surnames from L to Z download it tomorrow.

Also, if you’re in an office, maybe only one person could download it and make everyone gather round, instead of everyone downloading it individually? It would really help. And can all people from America wait until the weekend, please? It’s very “UK urban” and you won’t really understand if it’s serious or a joke, like everything we do. Thank you.

It’s true, look. In Japan, Edge is just a magazine about motorbikes and cars. Thanks to reader ColonelThunders for this information. We’ve already ordered the entire back catalogue so we can strew them around our flat and when we wake up each morning, just for that one delicious moment before we realise who we are and what’s really happening, we can pretend that the last ten years didn’t happen.

Solve all those arguments about which review Edge got the most wrong with the Edge Online Reviews Database!

See how Gunstar Heroes only got a six! Recoil in horror at the Edge collective only thinking Saturn Sega Rally was an eight! Laugh a bit then feel sad about Virtua Cop being given seven! Feel SICK TO THE FUCKING CORE at Virtua Fighter 4 only getting a FUCKING SEVEN as well! It’s all in there. It’s all shameful.

Kong is back! Check it out in all its high-definition glory:

Kong’s new “Super Rage” attack devastates the beautiful neon-lit streets of Las Vegas!

New playable character Amy Kong with her sexy pink fur and red shoes is a beauty to behold!

Kong gatecrashes the party at the Venetian hotel!

UBISOFT SPOKESMAN JOEY DEACON CONFIRMED THE NEWS TO THE BBC:
BBC NEWS | TV glitch mars Xbox 360 Kong game

They’ve sold ANOTHER ONE!

Riotous scenes in downtown Shinjuku!

A sensational debut at number 5 in the Gamespress “Most Downloaded” assets list, which means everyone’s ALREADY excited about OutRun 2006 on PS2, PSP and PC and wants to read about it!

And that’s JUST THE PRESS RELEASE AND LOGO! It’ll easily get to number 1 when the screenshots go up. ROUND 1 TO SEGA!

ABOUT GAMESPRESS:
Gamespress is the site where people who make magazines get their news and screenshots from. Without Gamespress, there would… OH GOD IT’S TOO HORRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE. It would involve sometimes having to use the telephone, let’s just leave it at that.

Special report for eight people who might care, from our “Man in Japan” (it took us a week to think up that clever way of describing our Japanese correspondent).

Excellent news for fans of Sega/Sammy, 2D fighting games and watching Channel 4 while piss-drunk at two in the morning. Sega’s Fist of the North Star is here, and it doesn’t suck! Even though a Fist of the North Star game that doesn’t suck probably violates some kind of international law, let’s take a look at it.

It plays well, and to make it more Fist-ey they’ve implemented the Guilty Gear instant kill system only now you have to wear your opponent down before it’ll work. That’s good.

Overall score: David Bowie out of ten.

They’ve already sold one!

This puts it several months ahead of schedule.