But the ‘Somewhere Else’ decided they didn’t need it after all. Which is fine, so like all our rejected ideas here it is on the site.
Only seeing as we’re putting it on the internet, we’ve put the word “fucking” in where we originally wrote “damn”, changed “idiot” to “spastic”, changed “people” to “cocks” and have added some ironic gay bashing and several BONUS SEGA REFERENCES so you have to read it.
A REVIEW OF NINJA GAIDEN BLACK
For the internet.
CHAPTER 1: THE INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPHS
We’re not going to mess around with introductory paragraphs here. There is only one fact you need to know about Ninja Gaiden Black — it’s the best action game there has ever been and, we confidently predict, the best one there ever will be. No way can anyone ever make a better one than this. It’s perfect in all ways.
It’s the most arse-kicking, kick-arse, arse-destroying action game there has ever been. It’s like there’s ten million arses, and you’ve got a boot the size of a car to kick them with. And you can kick them so hard they’re going to be finding smashed bits of arse stuck in the walls of the International Space Station — THAT’S how hard Ninja Gaiden Black kicks arse. And it’s kick-arse, kick-arse, kick-arse all the way through, non-stop, from beginning to end, and is by far and away the greatest action game on Xbox or any other games console — even the Sega ones.
It’s a game for fans of Ninja Gaiden. It’s more Ninja Gaiden, more bosses, new enemies, harder attackers and a bigger, greater and even more focused and demanding challenge. But! It’s also easier too, courtesy of two things; (1) all the whining cocks who said it was “too hard” on the internet because they didn’t understand how important it was to use the ‘block’ button, and (2) the new ‘Ninja Dog’ difficulty setting made to shut them the fuck up.
CHAPTER 2: THE FEATURES EXPLAINED
Now, if you’re rubbish at games or a child or a spastic and manage to die quite a few times on the first level, Ninja Gaiden Black gives you the opportunity of playing through on its Ninja Dog setting where everything’s easy for grandad. Too easy for most, but a necessary easy seeing as a few loud-mouthed idiots found the original too hard.
The shame heaped upon you and your family by playing the greatest action game of all-time on I’M A FUCKING IDIOT difficulty will haunt you for the rest of your life, but if you found the first Ninja Gaiden too hard the option is there. You still see all the plot, levels and beautiful, beautiful scenery on Ninja Dog, it’s just the personal shame thing you’ll have a problem with in later life.
Oh, and lots of cocks whined about Ninja Gaiden’s camera. That’s a total non-issue as far as we’re concerned, seeing as pressing the right trigger always centres it behind Ryu — and the camera shot is fixed in small rooms so it never gets lost. It’s perfect. Black also features the option of using the Hurricane Pack’s altered system where the right stick can be used as a ‘free look’ thing, but that just makes this LIGHTNING FAST ACTION GAME harder to play. This game is about fighting ninjas all the time, not looking at stuff. There is no sniper rifle in Ninja Gaiden. Just get used to it.
However, this game is meant for people that ‘got’ and ‘liked’ the first game and want more of it. To start with, if you haven’t got a completed save position from Ninja Gaiden you have to complete it on Normal difficulty to open up Hard. That’s REALLY HARD to do! Then you have to complete it again on Hard to unlock the new Missions bits, which are fights against newer, clever enemies, and – we’re not exaggerating for effect here – are the hardest 50 things you will ever have to do in a modern game.
(We say ‘modern’ because a lot of retro games were harder than this but that was mainly because no one bothered to test games in the old days so some were actually technically impossible. Those technically impossible ones are harder than NGB by accident. Anyway.)
You’d better be prepared to play the same mission 20 times in a row before you do it, and that’s only on Normal.
CHAPTER 3: SUMMARY AND END
But it’s so amazingly awesome you HAVE TO DO IT. There is no try. The enemy AI is so perfect and mean it’s a personal grudge match, one that’s better than playing rubbish, predictable humans because Tecmo’s ace ninjas do such a great job of blocking, rolling and throwing your attacks back at you. It’s phenomenally, ludicrously difficult, perhaps ten times harder than the first game, but that’s exactly why this is dream material for Ninja Gaiden fans.
And if you’re not a fan of Ninja Gaiden — buy this, play it, don’t give up when it gets too hard because it soon ‘clicks’ and seems just right, and then you’ll realise what an epic you have. You will like it, even if you’re a puny effeminate man who usually only likes dancing games, puzzle games and watching imported anime with those girls who find you safe, non-threatening company.
And all this for only 20 quid? It’s the greatest video game deal in history! Even better than when Sega started giving away Sonic The Hedgehog with the Mega Drive! We’re off to complete it again for fun, and you’d better go off and buy it. Not via Bittorrent you pikey twat, via a shop. If Ninja Gaiden Black isn’t number one in the charts for AT LEAST a month starting from next Tuesday’s chart, you’re all in deep trouble and missing out on a genuine modern-day classic.
