You couldn’t make it up!

Shockwaves reverberated around the UKR HQ today, as a bunch of losers whose only contribution to society is to say things suck in web forums announced that UKR’s previous update “sucked” in a web forum.

“Not funny” was the response from regular poster “Deg”, whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums.

Coincidentally, the witty insult “Not funny” was also used in a follow-up message posted by “Society”, the latest in a long line of profound, well thought out responses from the internet-using gamer whose only contribution to society is also based around saying how things suck in a variety of web forums without offering any reason, constructive criticism or valid links to his own worthwhile creative output.

A UKR spokesman countered the incredibly deep accusations by penning an update in which the people whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums were firmly mocked, an update featuring a final line highlighting the irony that the update itself is likely to be deemed “not funny” by the very same people whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums it set out to ridicule.

While looking through old notebooks for ideas to rip off from when we were younger and funnier, we found this. It’s a little poem we wrote about Dreamcast. We don’t remember if it was meant to be ironic or just sad — but it sure is purty!

Oh lovely little Dreamcast,
You are the best,
They said.

Oh lovely little Dreamcast,
You’re not the best,
You’re dead.

It’s hard to imagine that we once sat somewhere, purposefully got out our little notebook, and wrote that down. If you’ve ever written a poem about Dreamcast please send it in. We can probably be friends.

Electronic Arts is pleased to annouce it has gained exclusive rights to use the letters “E™” and “A™” in all its future gaming products.

Starting from January 31 2005, only E™ A™-branded games will be able to use the letters E™ and A™ in their names and in-game text — a hammer blow for all developers that make games with words in.

“We™’re™ re™a™lly ple™a™se™d tha™t E™A™ ha™s ce™me™nte™d this de™a™l” said E™ A™ spokesman Eamonn Eveshare. He continues “we™ a™re™ now pla™ce™d we™ll to le™a™d the™ ba™ttle™ on ne™xt ge™ne™ra™tion console™s a™nd furthe™r e™sta™blish E™A™ a™s the™ world’s le™a™ding e™nte™rta™inme™nt bra™nd”.

Worst hit by this bombshell is Eeyore Entertainment, with the release of its Q1 text adventure game Beevil the Evil Weevil’s Extreme Sea Search thrown into immediate doubt. Their spokesperson Annabel Eaves was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

In unrelated news, Russian developer Zyrstsky Gymz’s shares were up 139p at close of business.

Well done to a Mr S. Miyamoto, whose hilarious submission entitled “Mario characters in NBA Street V3” is the funniest piece of Photoshop comedy we’ve seen in ages!

What’s that, Shigeru? It’s real? This is an ACTUAL PROPER GAME that’s really coming out and NOT a joke at all? You’ve REALLY sold Mario’s arse to EA for a few magic beans? Wow, that’s a new record depth you’ve just plummed.

To celebrate Need for Speed Underground 2’s capture of the Christmas number one slot, we’re organising a global mass suicide of games developers and players. The mass suicide will take place on Saturday January 8. Join us! Do it at whatever time of day you like because IT DOESN’T MATTER ANY MORE. Post a message on the forum before you do it so we can keep count. We’re hoping for at least 100.

And this is why.

Out of the ones we played, anyway.

1. NINJA GAIDEN
If you didn’t “get it”, we pity you. If you didn’t play past the second level, we pity you and the idiot children you will raise. There are another 14 levels, each exponentially amazing, each offering more impressive enemies and environments. To play it that far requires thought, cunning, skill and BALLS OF STEEL. Ninja Gaiden’s proud majesty brings a lump to our throat. It’s hard, but easy once you’ve mastered it. The combat is perfect, the atmosphere unequalled, the bosses phenomenal masterpieces, the Xbox Live “entire new game” download inspirational. We normally get bored after three levels of most games — all of Ninja Gaiden was completed three times. For fun. Fantastic.

2. OUTRUN2
We fear this is the last, great Sega game that’ll ever be made. Surely new-Sega/Sammy won’t sanction the pumping of vast amounts of cash into Yu Suzuki’s staggering arcade follies, instead we’ll see safe, steady Sega franchises that are updated in a timely and pre-Christmas fashion. Just. Like. E. A. A beautiful driving feel that perfectly combines car handling with track design, it’s all Sega ever was in one wonderful game. Typing this is making us cry. Please don’t let it be over! We don’t know what we’d do with ourselves.

3. PRO EVOLUTION SOCCER 4
We can’t think of a better one-on-one video game*. If you’re bent and don’t like football it’s still great, thanks to fast, precise controls that let you master the basics within minutes. We resisted playing Pro Evo right up until this version came out for Xbox — we now realise the error of our ways, but sadly, can’t get those Pro Evo-free years of our life back. Don’t make the same mistakes we did.

4. GRADIUS V
Top (that’s top-down and occasionally side-on) developer Treasure’s fiery-phoenix reworking of Konami’s age-old shooter series stunned us with its harsh-but-fair play and dynamic new look. A phenomenal improvement on the miserable Gradius IV, this takes the mighty Silvergun and Ikaruga stylings and squeezes them perfectly into PlayStation2. It’s the best shooter since whenever Ikaruga came out on Dreamcast!

5. BURNOUT 3
Here’s the thing about Burnout 3. When we first sat down and played it, we were stunned. Proper blown away. We spent three whole days doing nothing but playing Burnout 3, enthusing about the speed, look and excitement of it all. We loved it! We then went off and wrote a review of it and gave it 10/10 (thankfully no one has noticed this). But then, a few days later, after the excitement of getting a game out of EA had subsided, we went back to it and were bored shitless by the “no skill required” bouncing-off-the-sides play and ultra-repetitive crash nonsense that lay behind its glam look. How did it trick us?! We’ll never know. OutRun2 is the better driving experience, but Burnout 3 cheated us into giving it a better score with its fireworks. We feel quite stupid about this.

6. FLATOUT
A straightforward racer but with an irresistable slidy off-road feel that makes us think happy Sega thoughts. Its passenger-flinging mini games and online play took the biscuit. It was just a very nice little game and was cheap to buy new. There’s no punchline. It’s great.

THE SHIT LIST
Watching our poor old PlayStation2 clunk and whirr its way through the way-too-demanding GTA San Andreas was an embarrassment — as was the game’s pathetic “gangsta” style. Halo 2’s great if you like team games (we don’t) and haven’t already played Halo 1 (we have). The disappointment of seeing a Nintendo DS for the first time was so crushing it felt like we were having a heart attack. That’ll do. The therapist says we should try to be more positive about things.

*Apart from maybe Virtua Tennis, but we really ought to start trying to get over the whole Dreamcast thing.

Days regain some sort of coherent structure.

No more getting drunk at 10:30am to help the day whizz past.

Going from eight meals a day back to three.

Less chance of developing Type 2 diabetes.

New jumpers to show off.

Leaving the house again! Exciting! Have they built any new buildings since we were last outside?!

Nice break from all that wanking.

Comparing new MP3 players with everyone.

Going back on savoury food.

The feeling that you should be doing something MORE with your life is replaced by the more familiar feeling that you should, in fact, be doing LESS.

eBaying Christmas games for drugs money.

Spending all day posting on internet forums feels slightly more socially acceptable on January 4 than it does on December 25.

We did a huge Christmas story for the Christmas of 2004. If you’re reading this archive page in June 2009, it was just after OutRun2 came out for the poorly-remembered Dreamcast 2. Hence the theme. The story works on many levels — as do all our updates — but was primarily written because long, ill-conceived and rambling homages to A Christmas Carol are what Christmas is all about. Next year we’re doing one set in the future about Splinter Cell. See you then.

We wrote 500 words of horrendous, hateful-yet-cathartic bile about Eidos’ rap game Get On Da Mic, then deleted it — because a picture speaks 500 words:

We also wrote a massive and borderline racist caption aggressively querying how intelligent business people can have meetings where words like “bling”, “ride” and “cribs” are suggested as names for menu options, but in the interests of maybe having to talk to someone from Eidos again and maintaining a working professional relationship, decided against using that too. See? We can make proper grown-up decisions if need be!

MP3 BLOG LAUNCHED!
But you can still listen to us sighing with despair after reading Get on da Mic’s press release.

Download: Us sighing with despair (47k)