SONY’S LIFELESS HOME HELLHOLE WILL NOT SAVE THE DAY
Sony’s sent out some new images of Home, the cumbersome 3D PC avatar system from 1998 it mistakenly thinks people will give a toss about. It is grim.
As depressing as a motorway service station at 4.25am when the arcade is closed and the restaurant has sold out of chips. And a cup of tea is £3.99 and it’s 20p to use the toilet.
Imagine a new-build city centre flat. You bought it in May of 2007 for £249,000 with a 100% mortgage. It’s currently worth £169,000. The laminate is already starting to come up. The taps are broken. The ground rent is an additional £1500 a year no one mentioned at the time. That’s PlayStation Home.
Abandoned film set. Three stuntmen died in an accident and shooting was cancelled.
Decaying future world after the ‘Great War’.
HELL. LITERALLY HELL. Laminated HELL.
A seven-hour trek around Homebase with the wife to look at – BUT NOT BUY – new kinds of taps.
As empty and bleak as the hearts of the few PS3 owners that will pretend to be excited by this. THE HORROR. THE HORROR.
filed in Uncategorized on Jan.23, 2009
January 23rd, 2009 on 1:38 pm
God, that 20p to use the shitter thing really annoys me. I WANT A PISS.
January 23rd, 2009 on 1:44 pm
It’s actually worse if you imagine it with the 11 Home users that exist milling aimlessly around, their shitty faceless GAP avatars simulating sucking each other off by sitting down and calling each other gay retards. The horror indeed.
January 23rd, 2009 on 1:48 pm
It would be so cool if you could manipulate the ‘rules’ of PSN Home, much in the same way that Neo was able to manipulate ‘The Matrix’
I’d spawn myself a 50 cal. Barrett sniper rifle and pick off the losers wandering around. Ultimatly I’d get really bored of that though after realising that there aren’t enough targets to make it interesting.
January 23rd, 2009 on 2:02 pm
HOW THE FUCK HAS ZORG MISSED THIS:
http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/hirai-were-the-official-industry-leader
“Hirai: We’re the “official” industry leader
Sony Computer Entertainment boss Kaz Hirai has dismissed Microsoft and Nintendo as competitors because he sees PlayStation as the “official” industry leader.
“This is not meant in terms of numbers, or who’s got the biggest install base, or who’s selling most in any particular week or month, but I’d like to think that we continue official leadership in this industry,” Hirai told Official PlayStation Magazine.
“It’s difficult to talk about Nintendo, because we don’t look at their console as being a competitor. They’re a different world, and we operate in our world – that’s the kind of way I look at things.
“And with the Xbox – again, I can’t come up with one word to fit. You need a word that describes something that lacks longevity,” he added with a laugh.
Brandishing Sony’s commitment to The Ten Year Plan, Hirai said he wants customers to feel confident their PlayStation console will not “fall by the wayside in five years” – a milestone Microsoft has yet to overcome, he pointed out.
“And,” offered Hirai, “unless things go really bad, there’s no way that at the end of a life cycle our competition is going have a higher install base.”
Hirai also addressed the complex architecture of the PS3, which developers have openly struggled to get to grips with.
“We don’t provide the ‘easy to program for’ console that [developers] want, because ‘easy to program for’ means that anybody will be able to take advantage of pretty much what the hardware can do, so then the question is what do you do for the rest of the nine-and-a-half years?” explained Hirai.
He picked God of War to show gameplay changing during long life of the PS2, and said that sort of learning curve will be the same with PS3.
“So it’s a kind of – I wouldn’t say a double-edged sword – but it’s hard to program for, and a lot of people see the negatives of it, but if you flip that around, it means the hardware has a lot more to offer,” he said.
Wrapping things up, Hirai said the PlayStation 3 “won’t radically change” over the next few years in the same way the New Xbox Experience revamped the competition.
He hopes PlayStation Home will help there, by growing to a point where one type of consumer buys the PS3 solely for the virtual world, before discovering that there are are some games on the games console.
“We want to expand the demographics from just a videogaming audience to something that’s a little bit more massive,” Hirai concluded.
You can read the full interview in the February issue of Official PlayStation Magazine.”
Cmon cmon. Pure gold.
January 23rd, 2009 on 2:17 pm
I wanna know where ‘Elsewhere on the network’ has gone. In my life that was a friday highlight.
January 23rd, 2009 on 2:44 pm
Yeah exactly. It was my only source of Drumper Porn.
January 23rd, 2009 on 3:29 pm
Kaz said: we operate in our world – that’s the kind of way I look at things.
He’s just admitted Sony are in a world of their own. I think that world is also inhabited by fairies, because Kaz is definatly ‘away with the fairies’
January 23rd, 2009 on 3:40 pm
That’s a good point, where the hell is ‘Elsewhere on the network’?
Or is 2009 the year of doing as little work as possible, so Elsewhere would be pointless?
January 23rd, 2009 on 4:00 pm
I think every year is ‘the year of doing as little work as possible’.
“That’s a good point, where the hell is ‘Elsewhere on the network’?”
If you read that out of context it sounds as if you think UK:R is the whole internets.
January 23rd, 2009 on 4:09 pm
At least Valkyria Chronicles is still awesome.
January 23rd, 2009 on 4:53 pm
“avatars simulating sucking each other off by sitting down and calling each other gay retards”
They should rename it ‘home-o-sexual’
January 23rd, 2009 on 5:24 pm
IT’LL ALL BE OVER SOON!
http://www.edge-online.com/news/analyst-clips-ps3-sales-estimates
“The PS3 has fallen short with hardcore gamers and will lose further market share in 2009, according to investment firm Cowen and Company.
On Friday, analyst Doug Creutz lowered his 2009 U.S. PS3 sales estimates to 4 million units, 2.25 million less than previous estimates. He also cut 2010 estimates to 4.5 million units, a decrease of 2 million.
Creutz wrote in a research note that “disappointing” 2008 PS3 sales were the impetus behind the cuts. “Following another year in which PS3 unit sales lagged behind the Wii and Xbox 360, it is now clear that Sony has failed to establish the PS3 as the console of choice among hardcore gamers this cycle,” he wrote.
“Although there appears to be a reasonably robust slate of games for the PlayStation 3 this year, Sony continues to lack a clear ‘must-own’ title that will drive sales, while its platform continues to be the most expensive in the market in the midst of a consumer slowdown.
“Meanwhile, highly publicized platform initiatives such as Home have failed to get off the ground.”
In 2008, PS3 sold just over 3.5 million units in the U.S., short of Cowen’s projection of 4.75 million.
Xbox 360 achieved sales of 4.74 million last year, beating the firm’s estimate of 4 million. Creutz made only small adjustments to Xbox 360’s sales estimates, and expects Microsoft’s console to decrease in the coming years, falling to 4.25 million units in 2009 and 4 million in 2010.
“We believe that the Xbox 360 is likely to widen its sales lead over the PS3 in 2009,” he wrote.
The firm shifted PS3’s lost share to the Nintendo Wii, which is in a class of its own, sales-wise. Cowen raised its 2009 sales projections for the console from 6 million to 8 million, and 2010 estimates from 4 million to 6 million.
The motion-enabled machine sold over 10 million units in 2008, beating Cowen’s 2008 U.S. sales forecast of 9 million.
“Nintendo … seems to have ironed out supply constraint kinks that held back sales in previous years,” Creutz stated.
Including console, PC and handhelds, Cowen expects total game software retail sales to hit $12.55 billion in 2009, and $13.43 billion in 2010.”
January 23rd, 2009 on 8:06 pm
We did buy taps in the end. Postmodern ones that cost 3 times as much.
Phill the Barrett fanboy: Accuracy International FTW!
Etc.
January 23rd, 2009 on 9:25 pm
In a “different world” I am a king, superhero and irresistable to the ladies. Unfortunately that does not translate to the real world.
These Sony guys are real funny.
January 23rd, 2009 on 9:47 pm
I thought this update was brilliant. “Decaying future world after the ‘Great War'” and “Laminated hell” being particularly good.
Well done Zorg, well done. If there is a swirl update on Monday I will crucify you upside down.
January 23rd, 2009 on 11:51 pm
On the front page of UK:R there’s an ad to the left hand side. (Ads by Google). It won’t be in everyone’s region, but it says –
GameKingdom
NZ Video
Game Rental
Unlimited
Monthly Rental
1,710 + Tit
January 23rd, 2009 on 11:56 pm
Thomas you worthless zorg-ass gargler.
January 24th, 2009 on 2:28 am
Bring back “elsewhere on the network” please. It’s like going on a little vacation for a few minutes every Friday. A vacation where things are tantalisingly unfamiliar, but at the same time not so different that you feel paranoid and really self concious about the way you’re walking, which makes you actually walk weirdly and you KNOW it’s happening and the more you think about it the worse it gets.
January 24th, 2009 on 3:32 am
“elsewhere on the network”?? HAH.. im still fucking waiting for the new employee of the “month”..or is it annually now,..or decade.. :/ Maybe its the recession and Zorg has fired everyone.
January 24th, 2009 on 2:01 pm
Things have been even bleaker elsewhere on the network than here. You really don’t want to see it all condensed into a list.
2009 is looking like being the year I give it all up to become a postman or retrain for a job in IT, to be honest.
January 24th, 2009 on 4:58 pm
Don’t give up on us, Zorgy
Kaz knows we’ve come this far
Can’t we stay the way we are?
The angel and the dreamer
Who sometimes plays a fool
Don’t give up on us, I know
We can still come through
It’s written in Kotaku
And painted on the stars
We can’t change ours
Don’t give up on us, Zorgy
We’re still worth one more try
I know we put our last one by
Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don’t give up on us, I know
We can still come through
Don’t give up on us, Zorgy
Don’t give up on us, Zorgy
If I could embed a picture of David Soul singing that to you I would.
January 24th, 2009 on 9:09 pm
Someone’s found a novel way to save UK:R in this time of crisis. They just take the work on this site then move it to a tossmonger infected forum without credit. But they’ve raised the price of the toilet by 80p, so it’s okay.
http://www.eurogamer.net/forum_thread_posts.php?thread_id=137580
January 25th, 2009 on 12:46 am
Zorgy played guitar (hero)
Jammin’ good with weird and Bilal
and the rest of UKR
he type it left hand
he blogged it too far
became the special man, then we were Zorgy’s fans
Zorgy really sang, swirled up eyes and swirled down hairdo
Like some ‘cast from japan, he could lick ’em by smiling
He could leave ’em to frag
They came out well loaded man, not hung with wanker’s tan.
So where were the readers, while the spod tried to beat our scores
Just the red ring to guide us,
So we bitched about his updates and is it just a bit bland?
Zorgy played for time, telling us it was poopoo
The PS was just crap,
he loved the ‘cast, with god given ass
He couldn’t look at 3, it really was wii wii
Making love with his DC, Zorgy sucked up into his mind
Like a gaming messiah
When the kids had killed swill-man i had to make up UK:R.
Zorgy made Uuuuu Kkkkk Rrrrrrrrrrr
January 25th, 2009 on 12:45 pm
He also changed “20p to use the toilet” to “£1 to use the toilet” so has clearly never truly experienced the misery of a motorway service station.
January 26th, 2009 on 9:44 am
Oh look, he’s done it on IGN as well.
http://boards.ign.com/ps3_general_board/b8267/176338569/r176349287/
what a sad cunt.
January 26th, 2009 on 10:46 am
“what a sad cunt.”
cant see that , have to be a registered IGN user.
Which you must be, having access to that.
pot/black
January 26th, 2009 on 1:15 pm
He is a naughty little monkey isn’t he. If anyone wishes to send him an email telling him that plagiarism isn’t cool journalism, his address, according to his Eurogamer profile is:
He’s wriiten it like this presumably to avoid spam bots picking it up.
ccfc dot – [at ] hotmail dot com
January 26th, 2009 on 2:21 pm
"cant see that , have to be a registered IGN user.
Which you must be, having access to that.
pot/black"
Didn't register, just googled "Sony's lifeless home hellhole" to see what other forum's he'd copy & pasted to.
January 26th, 2009 on 3:08 pm
Not only do you have to be a registered user of IGN to see that you have to be a ‘insider’ which is a paid for subscription. Paying money to join a forum to read what’s already been posted here and Eurogamer for free; Anonymous you must take us for fools.