Archive for July, 2009:

“ONE DAY, THE EVIL DOCTOR EGGMAN STOLE ALL 7 CHAOS EMERALDS ETC ETC ETC”

That, believe it or not, is the searingly original plot of Sonic Unleashed – as ported, somehow, to mobile phone format. Reader “Karl” bravely sacrificed three of his own pounds to take these frankly terrible photos of it in action.

Seriously, Karl, a large amount of ‘sorting out’ needs to be done in your camera department.

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“I have attached some images from ‘Sonic Unleashed’ on mobile phone, which I actually paid a whole £3 for.”

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“It’s not very good. French mobile developer Gameloft seems to have turned Sonic’s blue sky into a slate grey, and there is no sound, apart from an electronic farting noise when you die.”

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“The first level is nice and pacey, and it’s got all of Sonic’s moves in it, but in the third level you are confronted with some bizarre text suggesting that Sonic has PMS and detailing a transformation into Sonic the Werehog.”

sonic7 sonic9

“What I don’t get is that surely the Werehog should be stronger than regular Sonic? But the Werehog only has some crappy punch moves and is less agile, making him weaker and more vulnerable. Picture 9 is the Werehog, you can probably just about make out his deformed features.”

sonic10 sonic11

“There are a few pictures of the first Robotnik boss as well, but I couldn’t be arsed to play it after that. Sorry :(” – Karl.

KARL’S SUMMARY:

Graphics: 7/10
Sound: -10/10
Gameplay: 2/10
Lifespan: 1/10
Overall: -4/10

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INTERVIEW WITH KARL REGARDING HIS ‘CAMERA':
UKR: What on earth are you using as a camera?

KARL: My laptop’s webcam. Ironically, I usually use my mobile as my camera, and the one time I want to photo something to put on the internet, it’s on the back of my camera lens :(

UKR: Could you not have borrowed a camera?

KARL: I tried again with a dead expensive digital camera I borrowed, but they actually came out blurrier. I think it’s the backlighting on the screen. How does a professional take screenies of a mobile game then?

UKR: Most proper screenshots would be taken by running the actual game application on a PC emulator and doing direct captures that way.

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“PLUS SIZE FANTASY ILLUSTRATIONS”

A man who says he’s called “Junior” and that he comes from “The Bronx” got in touch to see if we wanted to feature any of his fan art. We didn’t. Then we saw this one and decided we might as well.

That’s it for Thought Processes Monthly – now onto the pictures.

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This is the one that piqued our interest initially – it is realistic “plus size” video game artwork! Ideal for illustrating a feature about WoW cosplay.

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And another one. Ideal for illustrating a feature about… odd men.

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He’s also done an alleged “Jessica Alba“.

ModernGothicBBW

And this is titled “Modern Gothic BBW“. That’s enough. Browse through his stunning back catalogue here.

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IDIOT PUTS SKIN IN THE HANDS OF UBISOFT’S MARKETING DEPARTMENT

Jesus Christ. All it takes is one meeting where Ubisoft decides to stop wasting money supporting “the community” and she’s going to look very, very silly indeed.

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“When I found out about the Frag Dolls, who they are and what they represented, I made a goal for myself: I wanted to be a Frag Doll. I decided when I became a Frag Doll I would represent my accomplishment forever. I wanted to always remember and show that I appreciated the honor of being a part of something that is so influential and of course fun. With this said, I decided my second gaming tattoo would be the Frag Dolls logo and my new name Fidget!” – Fidget :(

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WARNING: COSPLAY IMAGERY BELOW

Here’s a first – a reader slipping in a plug for his book.

OPENING PREAMBLE
“I went to Anime Expo, a big anime convention located in Los Angeles, a few weeks ago to sell a nice a book at the Artist Alley there. While walking around the place, I ran into a girl cosplaying your cream colored goddess and did my duty as a UKR reader to snap a photo and give you something to update with. Ignore the jokers in giant cardboard boxes in the background; they should be ashamed of themselves.”

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

***COSPLAY IMAGERY WARNING***

cream-web

“Included is a scaled down version you can post on the blog (with no work necessary for you!)…”

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“…a medium size version of just medium size goodness…”

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“…and a GIANT WALLPAPER version with special nostalgia tint added on. Keep up the good work” – Persona.

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SHINY MEDIA HAS GONE BUST

How does this affect UKR?

shiny-media-bust

It doesn’t. Hooray! There now follows a dull but factually correct account of the UKR/Shiny Media period, for those of you who like paying attention to the press releases. Don’t worry, this isn’t today’s proper update. You do not have to read it.

THE SHINY MEDIA STORY
By Gary J. Cutlack

In June of 2007, high on venture money, Shiny Media bought ukresistance.co.uk and IdiotToys.com off me for a large-ish, but not life-changing, sum of money. This made me go like this:

:)

Two-thirds of the cash was paid on completion of the deal – on the day I started working for them full time – with the final third payable after I’d been at the company for one year, just in case I went mad and run off as soon as they paid me.techdigest-dead

Everything was good for a bit. I worked from home four days a week, went berserk on Xboxer to the delight of hardly anyone, and enjoyed pretending to know about gadgets on Tech Digest – while actually being paid to update Idiot Toys and UKR. Happy days were there.

After nearly a year, in April of 2008, it became clear that Shiny was having financial problems as it chopped freelance budgets for the second or third time since I’d started, closed sites and dumped many good people, so I offered them the olive branch of giving me UKR.co.uk back in return for me waiving the final third of the payment.

They agreed. Which again made me go like this:

:)

shinyshiny-deadIt was doubly great, as UKR was 48 hours away from being switched to the utterly horrendous Shiny Media template of terror with an “outsourced Romanian web developer” (YES, REALLY!) apparently in charge of putting the UKR content onto the Shiny content management system.

Thank Christ that never happened, eh?

And that was that. I got to work from home, called a cunt on YouTube 10,000 times, while Shiny got pretty much nothing and is now apparently dead in its current form.

The end.

Has anyone who is interested in this sort of thing got any questions?

Comments (40)

THERE WAS A TERRIBLE MIX-UP AT THE DEVELOP AWARDS

Former PlayStation man erroneously associated with “excellence”.

PHIL-HARRISON-EXCELLENCE

Just wrap it up in bubble wrap and post it back.

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LET US LAUGH AND POKE FUN AT THE GAMES-RELATED ARTWORK OF SOME CHILDREN

Children. Rubbish. The only advantage they have on adults is the fact they’ll win at life, due to dying later. Plus telly is better these days. No ‘Ceefax’ mornings for them.

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“I went to the Videogame Nation exhibition in Manchester, at the Urbis, yesterday. Not bad but I would have been pissed off if I had paid money to get into it. One interesting bit is the ‘Design your own game cover’ bit, where they have a stack of A4 paper and some felt tips. This is ‘Cooking Mama with Sonic’ by Libby, age 7.”

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“‘R U as speedy as Sonic?’, by Rachel from Billingham”.

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“‘Where is F-Zero?!’, by Anonymous”.

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“‘Single Working mother 2′, by some pervert. Other highlights included an area marked ‘Over 18s only’ that I saw a kid, probably about 12 year old, corrupting his mind with GTA4, and LittleBigPlanet with a broken PS3 controller” – LewieP.

ARTISTIC REVIEW:

video-game-nation-sonic-1REVIEW: Clever awareness of brand extensions from Libby, who shows a great eye for the sales potential of mass-market tie-ups with this genre-defying creation. Her canny emphasis on Sonic would open up the ‘Mama’ brand to an entirely new audience of SEGA and Sonic fans, helping the series earn new followers – and could lead to special editions featuring the likenesses of other games characters. Libby has not just suggested a piece of boxart, she has broken down the staid boundaries and smashed through the limits of conventional thought that would contain and limit the entire industry.

video-game-nation-sonic-3 REVIEW: Where indeed? The question posed by Anonymous here is one being asked by myriad Nintendo fans the world over, as they attempt to convince themselves they’re happy playing Wii Fit. Where’s F-Zero? Where next for Nintendo now it’s ditching – and seemingly embarrassed by – its traditional userbase? Where next, perhaps, for the viewer, who, feeling disenfranchised by Nintendo’s sudden change in direction, may be left questioning their personal place and relevance to the modern games industry?

video-game-nation-sonic-2REVIEW: The question bursts through the artwork and attacks the subconscious of the would-be gamer. Am I as fast as Sonic? Would this game tell me? Could this game educate AND entertain me? By focussing on the unarticulated insecurities of the viewer, Rachel both challenges and reassures the viewer that, yes, they may well not be as ‘fast’ as Sonic but the ability to reach one’s own potential personal ‘top speed’ lies within us all and simply requires an adequate catalyst to release it. Could this game be that catalyst? Could ‘R U as Speedy as Sonic?’ be the trigger that leads to a physical and emotional uplift for the player, ushering in a positive new era for their entire life outlook? An extremely powerful piece.

video-game-nation-sonic-4REVIEW: Would.

Comments (12)

GIRL IMPRESSED BY SIMPLISTIC SCENE

A simplistic scene that *may* have been slightly impressive on a home computer in 1988. May have been. We can’t remember longer ago than 1992 any more.

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“I’m doing it! I’m playing a game!”

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A MAN’S COLLECTION OF SEGA T-SHIRTS

Some bloke called “Manu” has alerted us to the existence of this – a superb collection of video game t-shirts. Superb, that is, if you haven’t graduated to wearing proper clothing for adult males yet, like, say, long-sleeved shirts with collars accompanied by jumpers with no obvious branding on them.

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Imagine a time when dreary, long-sleeved black shirts were in fashion. That, children, was the early-to-mid 1990s. Not many of these will have survived in their original, unwashed black state.

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The shirts are not for sale. They are too important. We understand that.

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Let’s all get angry about SEGA blowing all its money on this again.

LINKS TO ALL THE SEGA-RELATED ONES:
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=124
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=2
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=5
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=12
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=30
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=44
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=58
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=61
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=67
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=84
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=96
http://www.videogameshirts.net/index.php?id=101

Comments (8)

Wii IN CELEBRITY-INJURY PR CATASTROPHE

How DARE IT harm lovely clown-faced Christina!

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We would quite like to injure Christina Aguilera with a Wii Remote. Not badly, just so it’d be a bit uncomfortable for her to sit down the next day.

Comments (16)