A whole new generation of awkward children is being prepared to take our place! If we lock this boy in a bedroom for the next 14 years and feed him on toast, television and late-night free-to-air soft pornography, he may emerge as the next new UKR guest contributor.


“I was whiling away the time watching BBC Three’s magnificent hard-hitting reality drama Young Hairdresser of the Year, vaguely masturbating to several contestants while trying not to be put off by the Vernon Kay wannabe host, when suddenly my eye was caught by the sight of a small child. Before we all rush to call the police to my house, have a very careful look at the boy’s shirt”.


“I suspect that the roughly 4 seconds of airtime enjoyed by said shirt may be the most exposure Sonic has had on national television since 1927, and I have a very good grasp of time and other things like that” – Joseph.