You know, that thing it does, where it shoves a controller into the hand of a bewildered retirement home inhabitant who’s monged off what’s remaining of their tits on painkillers, then takes a photo whenever they remember a happy anecdote from their childhood years and start to smile.

Look at them. They don’t care. They’re just doing it because nurse said they can have an extra biscuit and get spared from the nightly raping if they do what the nice man with the hair gel and photographer says to do for 10 minutes. FUCKING MODERN GAMES!

nintendo elderly players 1

What are you going to do for your next console, Nintendo? Put the controller near a dog then take a photo of it wagging its tail as proof of the machine’s accessibility and genre-busting popularity?

nintendo elderly players 2

Please, bring on the next video gaming crash. We will happily bury the entire sorry industry in a hole with a digger. We’ll even pay for the hire of the digger and the diesel, just tell us where you want the fucking hole.

We’ve decided Nintendo is an ENEMY again. We knew the uneasy truce brought about by Animal Crossing Wild World wouldn’t last.