We’ve done enough of these rubbish things recently, so now it’s your go. Do one. Be funny. Go on.

Here’s the blank:

But what’s he SAYING?! Here’s one we’ve already been sent:

Try to use Verdana at about size 20. Email them in. We’ll upload the best ones and probably the rubbish ones to avoid hurting your precious little feelings as well, next week.

And he clearly spent a lot of time doing it so we pretty much have to upload them, due to being nice like that.

A MAN’S POEMS ABOUT SONY:

there once was a game about buggies
that was loved by a bunch of dumb druggies
they spent their life savings
to fulfill their cravings
for a game with a palette like used huggies

there once was a ken kutaragi
whose business sense was somewhat foggy
he thought consumers would beg
to pay an arm and a leg
to watch the ballad of ricky bobby

the ps3’s new iteration
of character manipulation
lets you wave it around
which is much more profound
an advancement than played-out “vibration”

the ps3’s much-vaunted cell
is causing developers hell
says sony, “we don’t care,
they’ll just use middleware”
does the name “saturn” ring a bell?

though sony remains yet defiant
and their legions of fanboys compliant
i wish they’d take pains
to kindly explains
why the thing must be so fucking giant

who cares if the loading screen drags
and character switches cause lags
the ps3’s blu-ray
will carry the day
‘cuz hard drive caching is for fags

there once was a game-playing Brit
who practically chomped at the bit
for the day ps3s
would be shipped overseas
wait ’til he finds out it’s such shit

killzone 2 was shown at e3
and filled all the masses with glee
said phil harrison, “now I’m
swearing this is real-time
and not a pre-render, no sirree”

the launch of the ps3 must
be considered no less than a bust
when every best buy
has a table stacked high
with “new” boxes gathering dust

i’m hardly in microsoft’s lap
but the ps3’s lineup is crap
when a simplistic, lame
converted flash game
is ever called a “killer app”

about lair, all the tongues started waggin’
when youtube clips showed massive laggin’
in a game filled with fights
against humanoid sprites
and an ugly semen-covered dragon

the ps3’s control ports were zero
which meant there’d be no guitar hero
for jimmy to play,
and so since that day,
he has felt like a big stupid queero

It’s not every day things like this happen.

This is a great email. It’s from a Toys R Us employee who points out that branches are making its employees pre-order PS3s to boost the numbers.

That’s TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL, if you want to use this as the basis of a news piece for your site or blog (which you should definitely do as it’s better than uploading today’s Sony America ‘GREAT NEWS!’ press release):

TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL
“I work at a Toys R Us store on the multimedia section, and our PS3 pre-order campaign is not going very well.

“We have big signs up advertising that you can reserve one, with NO deposit or obligation – that’s a FREE RESERVATION – and no-one wants to. At first our manager told us to approach customers looking at the display, but mostly they were just looking out of idle curiosity and what they really wanted was a Wii (sold out), Xbox 360 (sold quite a few of those!), a PC (actually sold a few of those too!), or Yu-Gi-Oh cards. For some reason people still buy those. But no-one wanted a FREE PS3 reservation.

“So, in mid-afternoon my manager got all the multimedia sales staff to put through a reservation (which I felt very dirty doing), so he wouldn’t get shouted at quite so much by the store manager, then told us to approach all the customers even if they were just looking at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Still no success, but we got more Wii enquiries and another 360 sale.

“By late afternoon my manager was getting desperate and started making announcements on the tannoy that customers could reserve a PS3 for FREE, but mostly they just kept wandering around looking at the Lego Gang Land sets, or the Bratz Prostitutez dolls, or whatever is popular with the kids these days. So the manager then canvassed all the staff members on all the other sections to put some pre-orders through the tills so it looked like people care about Sony.

“So, all in all on this busy Saturday, we did several PCs, a fair number of 360s, and we could have sold record amounts of Wiis if we had any – and a couple of PS3 orders from staff members who were forced into it.

“It was the 3rd best day of work ever (the 2nd being the time I worked for Game and read magazines in the stockroom all day, and the first being the time I played Unreal Tournament on my laptop at the railway station cafeteria when all the platforms were closed for maintenance but my manager told me to open it anyway)”

Great story, Mr Anonymous! We want more anecdotes from game shop employees like this, please! Mail them in. But bear in mind we won’t print any positive ones. We will keep your name a secret.

There are some good bargains to be had out there:

The UK’s finest MILF, yours for only ten quid in Woolworths. Oh, and PS3 IS SHIT and it’s unlikely anyone has pre-ordered one today, just to keep you updated.

We interrupt our boring, stuck-record, didn’t-you-make-all-these-jokes-in-1999?, anti-PlayStation3 rants for a second, to bring you some photos of miserable-but-hot girls dressed up like Final Fantasy characters.

TOMORROW: our PS3 looming Euro-disaster happy-as-pigs-in-shit-fest continues.

And this is the reality of the FFXII launch event. Fat men in fleeces.

Instead of uploading a Sony press release verbatim like it’s actual news, let’s look at all the PS3-selling online stores and see who’s got some left. This is a proper investigation!

HMV: Yes

AMAZON: Yes

PLAY: Yes

GAME: Yes

GAMESTATION: Yes

WOOLWORTHS: Yes

ARGOS: Yes

TOYS R US: Yes

And so it goes on. This is completely unbelievable. Xbox 360 and Wii sold out in minutes – a week into the PS3 campaign EVERYONE still has piles left. This is total public humiliation for Sony.

Even better, poor old Play.com is selling so few PS3s it’s now started giving away Adam Sandler shitflick ‘Click’ on Blu-ray with its bundles. Sales going well then, Play? Maybe if we wait another week we’ll get a free Samsung LCD telly?

This is a graph we made to illustrate the facts, like Al Gore did in that documentary about the sun exploding. People believe graphs.

“PlayStation 3 in Europe will play fewer old games“

If you have pre-ordered in error this should be a good enough reason to cancel, seeing as you’re now getting something worse than was originally advertised. Isn’t this sort of thing against the law?

Last week GAME started taking pre-orders for PS3. This week, it has already reduced the price of its bundles, from offering two 550 quid “deals” down to a 477 quid bundle with just Resistance: Fall of Man and a cable that costs about 2p a unit from Taiwan.

And it is still taking orders.

This, obviously, is because no one’s INSANE ENOUGH to pay 550 Great British Pounds for a rubbish Japanese console. HURRY and place your order!

And that’s not just tonight’s wank fantasy – it’s a SOLID GOLD FACT:

January US sales totals:

Wii: 436,000
X360: 294,000
PS3: 244,000

And don’t go saying it’s stock issues – Sony’s got 25 million of the things clogging up store aisles out there right now. Six million sold by the end of March? Get real, dickwads.

Plus PS3 is still selling a ridiculously rubbish 20k a week in Japan. WELL DONE, WORLD! It’s now more important than ever that Europe doesn’t embarrass itself by bailing out Sony’s horrendous, half-finished console.

We got an email. It was nicely written, about no one buying PS3 and included an accompanying image.

This is the accompanying image:

It shows PS3 languishing in 93rd place on Amazon’s sales chart. We probably don’t need to once again point out this is because it’s shit and too much money.

THE EMAIL
Thought you might be amused to see that the PS3 is currently placed at number 93 in Amazon US’s top-selling Video Games list thingy, meaning that outselling it in 90th is Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game on the PC and Mac, by the fine people at Viva Media.

Apparently “Crazy Machines gives you the chance to build your own unique contraptions. Solve more than 200 challenging puzzles, and put your machines to work”. I must admit, my slacks did begin to bulge somewhat while copying and pasting that, and already I’m more excited about Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game than I am about that PS3 thing.

Other items currently selling more than the PS3 include:

– Cooking Mama on DS
– Karaoke Revolution Party on PS2
– Game Boy Advance SP Pearl Blue (yes, a GBA)
– Mario Kart Double Dash on GameCube (yes, a game on a “dead” console)
– Final Fantasy VIII on PSone (yes, PSone)
– Brain Training on DS (even though everyone has it now)

It would also appear that the window Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly leant from when
allegedly shooting JFK was also sold on eBay but the offer was then withdrawn:

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/11047996/detail.html

…but the fact that someone at some point offered money for it means that it’s technically sold more than the PS3 as well. And I bought a copy of Joe Montana’s Sports Talk Football 93 on the Mega Drive for £1.99 out of Gamestation the other day, so I reckon that means it’s now selling more than the PS3 too.

EMAIL REVIEW
This was a great email. The only ‘downer’ is that the accompanying image was a 150k jpeg, which is a bit big so needed resizing. For future reference, web pages are best screen capped, then cropped to 500 pixels wide, then exported as a gif from a pirated version of Photoshop. Had that been done this email would’ve got 10/10. 9/10.