That’s the new-look Lara Croft on the left. She’s lovely now! That’s the old Lara on the right, as laughably and ineptly imagineered by the primary-school artists of Core Design. Ahhh, those beautiful yet HIDEOUSLY MISSHAPEN eyes, lips and cheek bones. The laughs we had!

Tomb Raider Art: Not Funny Any More *SAD SMILEY FACE*

NEW IDEAS FOR TETRIS WEEK!
#3: ELECTRONIC ARTS ‘MOD-TRIS’

Pay £3.50 to buy new custom shapes! Custom shapes equal CRED!

Dear The Internet,

Why-oh-why-oh-why would anyone want to write forty-seven THOUSAND words about Manhunt?

For forcing this monumentally tedious crime onto an unsuspecting internet, NTSC-UK gains a coveted spot on the list of sites we hate. Well done!

#2: UBISOFT ‘SPLIN-TRIS’

Manoeuvre one shape (a green triangle) REALLY SLOWLY down a VERY DARK grid where if you touch the sides you immediately die.

#1: MIDWAY GAMES ‘DRUGS-TRIS’

Make the shapes look like DRUG NEEDLES for taking heroin because games with drugs in are REALLY COOL!

The winner and therefore loser of the Worst April Fool Joke award goes to this miserable effort from amateur hour web site Total Video Games. Predictable subject matter, tired references, boring writing and utterly hateful all-round. Why would you even bother doing that? (We mean the joke AND the web site).

EQUALLY LOWLY COMMENDED IDIOCY:
This.
This.
This.
And this.

Although the last one’s meant to be serious “New Games Journalism”, we think. Which is funny in a despairing has-it-really-come-to-this kind of way. Thanks to mediocrity like this, our opinion of ourselves gets higher every day. We ROCKS!

In another Earth-shattering display of unoriginality of the sort that’s CRUSHING THE WHOLE GAMES INDUSTRY TO DEATH, another worse version of a cheap old game you’re already bored of has been served up for you to buy again, realise you’re already bored of, then forget about and wish you’d spent the money on anything else. This time it’s Tetris and it’s on your Sky digital TV box.

Nice, but our favourite Sky game remains trying to wank ourselves to an unsatisfactory climax over ten-minute preview screenings of heavily-edited soft pornography or never-naked coke-whores:

The best Sky game. Can you see our naked reflection?

ALL NEXT WEEK!
Or maybe just on Monday, we’ll have a list of ways games companies can more accurately update Tetris for today’s “urban youth”. It will be the sort of hilarious joke you’ll want to email to all your friends and post on web forums.

And what has the visionary forward-thinker managed to come up with?

*ISSUE 76* 06.12.04

Xbox – Gamecube – Dreamcast – Gizmondo – DS – PSP
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A. Um… dunno. Just rewrite what IGN says.