The fakers have cleverly disguised SEGA’s mascot by giving him a grey beard, as if this is FUTURE SONIC who has travelled back in time to warn today’s children of the expensive dental treatment they will face 20 years from now should they fail to brush regularly.

“Whilst browsing through a tiny shop in central Beijing last month, I decided to get a new toothbrush. A quick glance around and this horrendous artefact jumped out and prompted a photograph from yours truly. Notice the wispy white beard, the long tail and disgusting bulge at the back of his head” – Adam.

Nuke China. This shame must be stopped.

NOT QUITE AS BAD AS THE

HORRIFIC MUTANT CAT

BRAND NEW ADULT PROFESSIONAL HEDGEHOG MASCOT COSTUME

You know, Lemmy and Binky. There’s been a link to them on UKR for some odd reason for years now. They must’ve asked. Here is their game, or “its game” if you consider Lemmy & Binky to be a single entity. When it comes to apostrophes on the internet, there must be no ambiguity.

The game is called Sexy Beachside Beachball.

You can download it here. It’s an executable file for a PC. We have tried it and nothing bad seemed to happen to the computer. It did insist on downloading some DirectX components, but on the plus side it didn’t attempt to dial a premium-rate sex chat line that terminates in Brazil.

Some other stuff. Obviously we save all the best stuff for here, which should give you an idea of the sort of bottom-scraping horror that awaits behind the below hypertext links.

This thing about terrorists using World of Warcraft to plan attacks.

This thing about Halo, because we are supposed to be interested in things like Halo.

This thing about a new invention that will save your brain from having to do any remembering of what things look like.

This thing which accuses London taxi drivers of being thieves. We expected to get threatened with a beating for this, but it turns out London taxi drivers don’t spend their off-duty time slagging people off on the internet.

This thing about what the Potato Genome Sequencing Consortium is up to these days, which also includes a brief layman’s guide to how DNA works.

This thing about pictures we can’t not use when they come along, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

The EU Bikini Rule (1994) earns this batch an automatic 10/10.

Poor them. They both stopped to take photos of the arcades, though, seeing as they have SEGA signs outside them. It is nice to inspire this sort of misplaced enthusiasm. Perhaps, one day, one of our readers will actually take a high-ranking member of Sony Europe hostage and send us their fingers one by one!

It’s also nice that people are enjoying Cardiff Airport in some way.

“This caught my eye at Cardiff Airport on the way to Edinburgh – two arcades in the airport. The first with Sega Rally in, and the second with ManxTT and OutRun2. Awesome.”

“My missus did seem to think that the Wii release of Samba de Amigo was all fresh and exciting and that. I would have kicked the arse out of making the point that the Dreamcast was about about half a billion years before its time, but frankly I could have done without the hassle for the rest of the day. Take it easy!”

This one came in from a separate source. A man called “Daniel” gives us a slightly wider angle. This does not make us want to go anywhere near Cardiff Airport.

The makers got well angry with us when we slagged it off before, so here’s something to make up for it. Two screenshots that, we have to admit, don’t look particularly shit or like the work of unskilled children.

The PC tech demo can be had here. It’s three separate and extremely small scenes that just about run on a three-month-old PC that cost £300 three months ago and has an Intel E8200 inside it and whatever Dell is using for free graphics cards these days.

That image right there is what turned it around. Very nice. We still give it six months before the team falls apart amid acrimony and the project is binned, though. No one will want to “do” all of Metropolis Zone in their spare time for free.

Front page news on local newspapers in Staffordshire. Last year. For one edition.

“Here’s another photo to add to your collection. It’s out of the daily newspaper for Staffordshire ‘The Sentinel’. It was even front page news for the first edition, which shows how desperate for newsworthy stories we can be in Stoke on Trent. It’s Sonic visiting a local primary school, nice blur effects I must say, even though he’s Standing still. Enjoy – Al.”

There is, you will be amazed to learn unless you are an employee of Ubisoft, a video game called “My Stop Smoking Coach with Allen Carr”. It may also be called “Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking” as it’s listed twice under both names.

As with all bizarre games based around teaching you something that really ought to come naturally, it is coming to Nintendo DS. This is how Ubisoft has VERY UNWISELY chosen to illustrate it, presumably because it hopes Glamour magazine or Cosmopolitan might “do something” on it.

Another 100% solid gold Ubisoft classic.

That chair is the Unwensch, available for £129.

“Then I did a video game. Sales figures are unavailable.”

So we might as well. He’s a Sonic CD owner, and Sonic CD owners are fucking cool dudes. And he has two Dreamcasts. Say no more. He’s in the Super Cool Dude Gamer Club and has earned a special favour.

The auction is here. He’s used his duvet as a plain background. It’s not a world-beater in terms of size or content, but it is definitely slightly above average in terms of what most people have accumulated thanks to having a Mega CD and a Menacer.

IF YOU ALSO OWN SONIC CD
Let us know. It’s about time we did a census of all UK Sonic CD owners, so they can be put on the Special List of people that will be excused suffering come the END OF TIME.

Here is a man’s lifetime haul of SEGA oddness. The most terrifying lollipop you will ever see, accompanied by a public information leaflet in which Sonic and Tails warn of the dangers of getting involved with gang culture.

They have almost certainly both been featured on the internet somewhere before, but never before have they been placed upon the SAME PAGE.

“Here’s a couple Sonic things I found. A card with some useful information on it that I found in my room. A Sonic Popsicle. Maybe you could use these for something… maybe” – MrPuppet.

Yes, we could nail this to the front door to scare off visitors.

An alternate collection of several thousand words, written for places where it’s not so acceptable to talk about wiping your penis on the ears of sexy rabbits.

This thing about the order in which the Vaio CS11 series is going to be discounted.

This thing about demographics not matching up. It may have gone over the heads of the readership.

This thing about the latest developments in wanking machines, because, when it comes to wanking machines, we are emerging as experts.

This thing about Kane Kramer inventing the iPod in 1979. We tried to launch a global campaign to get Steve Jobs to buy Kane a Ferrari as a thank you, but it didn’t really take off.

This thing about a woman called Kelly Ripa nearly getting into a washing machine, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

It’s words, on the internet, largely in the right order. 6/10.