TRACTION ENGINE MAN SAID: “I was at the Pickering traction engine rally and old time steam fair earlier this month when I spotted this fat man and thought of you guys. He was selling balloons and one of them was of SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! That’s about it really, the guy looked a bit like Dr Robotnik in that he was fat and wearing sunglasses. Now’t like him really, but a crappy Photoshop just might make this worthy of a UKR update.”

“What is Robotnik up to now? He seems to be kidnapping children’s cartoon characters and turning them into helium balloons, no doubt using his helium-balloon-o-matic! Exciting stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. Anthony.”

EYEWITNESS REPORT: “When visiting upon my local gaming store, one named Chips situated on Nicolson Street of Scotland’s fine capital, I chanced upon this sight. I apologise for the photos not being of particular quality, but I was in a rush. However I am sure you will agree that what these show is a true delight: PS3 games, used as a doorstop. Exactly as nature intended. Yours in Christ, S. Robert Blythe”

This had better not be a fake, orchestrated by the staff of Chips, Nicolson Street, in Edinburgh or Glasgow or Manchester or whatever the capital of Scotland is, to get free publicity.

“We have no plans to do so in the standard controller that ships with PlayStation 3. I believe that the Sixaxis controller offers game designers and developers far more opportunity for future innovation than rumble ever did. Now, rumble I think was the last generation feature; it’s not the next-generation feature. I think motion sensitivity is. And we don’t see the need to do that.” – Phil Harrison, Sony, February 2007.

Here’s a photo of Phil holding the current controller, like it’s the best thing ever. Here’s his official biog. This should be all you need for later tonight, when and if Sony pulls a massive and shameful turnaround and announces a rumbling PS3 controller at Leipzig.

Here’s one you can use to be getting on with.

Foul is what she wants doing to her. Photoshop jobs in the comments bit, please, preferably with no less than three penises.

PHONE WITNESS REPORT: “I was walking down one of the main shopping centres here in Spain when this promotion caught my eye. Yes, it’s 2007, and yes, someone is using Sonic (the cool one, may I state) to sell mobile phones.”

This is very disappointing. We thought Sonic would have a really cool mobile, like a Blackberry Curve or some sort of Windows Mobile 5 hybrid organiser that also does GPS. This is not a cool phone with attitude. Fortunately for Sonic, it’s not possible for him to go any further down in our estimation thanks to the recent Xbox 360/PS3 game that reduced our estimation of him to ZERO.

This man is bowling. He goes bowling to meet hot chicks, who can’t control themselves when they see his monkey-like grin and over-engineered trainers.

This is a woman doing some tennis. She seems to be having fun, despite holding an awful-looking bit of plastic. They could’ve got some sexy whites for her to wear… *remembers Emily Booth in that episode of Bits*

Golfing. This is why women shouldn’t be allowed in male sporting institutions – those shoes would cause substantial damage to the greens.

Pooling twat.

This is the device that controls puzzle games. More importantly, you can see her bra.

And this is what every man looks like when trying to make a small plastic steering wheel look exciting. It simply cannot be done. Nice balancing work, mind.

8,9,6, Dial!

It’ll be like Street Fighter II on Xbox Live Arcade. Amazing in concept, then you get it and realise it’s too hard and you haven’t really got the time or inclination for this kind of thing any more.

You’d have more luck completing Mavis Beacon on a mobile.

THINLY-VEILED ADVERTISEMENT: “I got this Sonic the Hedgehog racing set years ago at a thrift market. It’s not really anything special as it’s just a regular race track, but with Sonic and Tails’ face pasted onto the cars (and the box). Either way, it DOES have Sonic’s name on it, and I assume anything that cashed in on his character from when his games actually were fun might be worth showing, so there you go. BTW I’m selling it if anyone wants it…”

That’s a high level cirrostratus, mainly composed of ice crystals.

A cirrocumulus at around 20,000 feet. These are usually found at sunset.

A very thin layer of altostratus. A mid-level cloud that forms between 7,000 and 20,000 feet.

Can’t see. Looks like a Photoshop 35mm Prime lens flare though

Cirrostratus again. No chance of rain today!

Looks like there’s a stratocumulus formation of mid-height rain-bearing clouds over the mountains.

Bloody cirrocumulus again. We’d like to see dark and moody altocumulus for the sake of variety.

Moving. A single lens flare effect is worth 1000 hours of CG footage.

This is the oddest thing to have happened in the very odd history of Sony’s Euro PR blog. It is Sony, reviewing one of its games. And as you might expect in a review on a blog funded by Sony, the game funded by Sony does really quite well.

Just to reiterate, that says “Heavenly Sword is amazing to behold, seriously addictive, pleasingly original, in that it manages not to feel like any other game you’ve played…”

Now we’re not saying Heavenly Sword isn’t the best thing in the world, ever, it could very well be, but having Sony-paid writers reviewing Sony games for a Sony web site is creating quite a large mockery of the games industry.

OFFICIAL NEW ENEMY. Although, being professional, it’s unlikely angry Three Speech staff will pile in here and call us cunts in the comments bit, so this may well be a bit of a one-sided confrontation.