It’s hard to know where to start with a name like Xochilt Balzola-Widmann. Perhaps we should all just comment on the physical appearance of new Vivendi Euro sales boss while working on something suitable?

And would’ve, maybe even as recently as five years ago.

A reader sent this is. It’s a series of photos of Emily Booth presenting something on the XLEAGUE.TV couch, with an empty space next to her. This is so you can edit in a photo of yourself and be all like “Yeah, I was chatting to that whatsername off Channel 5 last night.”

A FREE UPDATE, BASICALLY: “Here are some edited pics of Emily booth on the X-League TV set with an empty couch next to her. This gives you the opportunity to put yourself in an interview with her and talk about things that are nice like Sega and that.

“The first image shows Emily looking slightly worried and nervous like she might not want to be there while the second shows her clearly enjoying herself and finding the whole situation to be great fun.”

“I’ve also included an ‘example’ pic of everyone’s favourite interviewee. Enjoy! Joe.”

This is a touching story about Richard Jacques. It involves an act of kindness performed by Richard, and also tells us what Richard’s house smells like. Soon we will have enough Richard information to appoint ourselves his unofficial biographer, or at least blackmail him into making us a theme song.

The story begins…

A MAN WHO SAW RICHARD
“I was lucky enough to go to Video Games Live 2006, where a certain musical genius we all know and love honored us with his presence. If the music wasn’t enough, there was a meet and greet right after and anyone willing to wait for a few hours in line could meet Mr Jacques and his team of supermusicians. Obviously this was the oppurtunity of a lifetime, so I waited. Before I knew it, Richard Jacques was sitting in front of me…”

“I wanted to steal his fantastic shirt but there was a large bodyguard 2ft to my right, so I set my sights on his VIP badge which I was sure I could nick more discreetly. I didn’t need to, however; I thought it’d be best to at least ask first, which worked out surprisingly well. He needed it at that point, but he actually went to the effort of sending it to me in the post later, meaning I now possess what may be the best VIP badge ever. AND he has my address. D Friston.”

THE FOLLOW UP COMMUNICATION
We then asked Mr Friston if Richard’s VIP pass had Richard’s name on it, as that would make a better update than this one. It didn’t. However, Mr Friston did reveal that the pass “smelled like Richard’s house for a few days” which, apparently, smells like “a new Marks and Spencer jumper”. See you in the Marks and Spencer jumper section.

The best thing about being too scared to go outside as everyone’s laughing at you is that it lets you spend longer than ever putting “Sonic” into the internet and seeing what comes up. We are even able to click through to pages 541 – 550 of about 60,500,000.

This came up somewhere around that point.

A man was in Japan. He found two Sonic The Hedgehog games, one of which also doubles as a popcorn machine. He goes on about them in quite a long-winded fashion, but it’s OK as there are pretty photos of Sonic to look at as well.

THE INTRODUCTION:
“Hi, I found two old Sonic arcade games last month when I was in Osaka, so I took some photos and video to upload for the sake of making myself feel like I did something worthwhile on the internet, once. Judging by the way things have been going recently, if I send this information to you in an overly-detailed email, Kotaku will make a post about it next week.”

“Neither machine was really much of a game, but they had screens and you could control Sonic, so for lack of a better phrase, I’ll call them ‘Sonic arcade games’. The first ‘game’ I came across was in Tennoji Zoo, and was called the ‘Segasonic Popcorn Shop’.”

“It’s really just a clever blend of an arcade game and a vending machine. You’re really paying for hot popcorn rather than the game, but I was much more interested in the strange Sonic game than my dry, disappointing snack.”

“If I remember correctly (it was a month ago, so surely I can be forgiven for forgetting minor details), you play as Sonic, trying to deliver popcorn to the customer. Robotnik, however, is a dick, and tried to stop Sonic by placing him on a treadmill. You have to make Sonic run faster than the treadmill, so he can jump off the end and deliver the popcorn. You have to make Sonic run by turning the wheel on the front of the machine as fast as you can.

“The machine I was playing was outside, and the wheel had rusted to fuck, so it made an incredible high-pitched screeching noise as I turned it faster. This only attracted the attention of surrounding Zoo visitors, and made me feel quite uncomfortable in the children’s area of the park.”

“The machine lets you choose from Salt, Butter and Curry flavour popcorn. It was quite a hot day, so I thought butter would likely be the safest option. I don’t know how correct I was, but the butter popcorn tasted like shit, and made my hands really greasy, so I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“The machine also advertised a wonderful Sonic and Tails popcorn tub, so I was really sick when I received my crappy popcorn in an Anpanman tub.”

“A few days later, I went to Abenobashi and visited a large shopping center, which I think was called the “Abenobashi Store” (if anyone’s desperate to find these machines, it was opposite Abenobashi Station). The roof had an outdoor arcade, where I found “Waku Waku Sonic Patrol Car”. This comes in the form of police car, which reminded me of the 20p Postman Pat rides that you used to find in Tesco. Luckily, the machine is big enough for two fully-grown foreigners.

“After the slight embarrassment of playing the popcorn machine in Tennoji Zoo, I made my friend play this one, as I recorded the screen. Since I recorded gameplay this time, I won’t bother detailing the rather basic top-down driving game. The whole machine starts swaying in time to the Green Hill Zone music that plays once you start driving.

“To carry on detailing disappointments with the machines, the steering wheel didn’t work this time, so the game couldn’t be played properly. We didn’t really want to look like paedophiles much longer though, so the fact that the game was broken gave us just the incentive we needed to leave.”

“If you’re considering whether it’s worth travelling to Osaka to play these as-good-as-unreleased Sonic games, I can tell you this – it’s no, and to be quite honest, you’re a bit of a sad prick for thinking about it.”

Turning up at someone’s wedding wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog tie. Nothing says “I couldn’t be bothered, don’t really like either of you and am only here for the free beer” more than wearing a cartoon tie to someone’s special day.

It’s also not going to impress the bridesmaids much.

ONE OF THE WIFE’S WEIRD UNI FRIENDS: “So this guy turned up at my wedding two weeks ago (the wife’s side of the family, thank you). I thought I’d get someone to get a picture for you to laugh at. Enjoy. Hugs and Kisses, MorgMcMoonsault.”

THAT OTHER SONIC TIE UPDATE WE DID:
Is here, just in case this seems a bit familiar. Yes, we are THAT out of material and ideas.

Not only is this the new world’s most boring SEGA photograph, it’s also in the running for the world’s all-format most boring photograph ever taken of anything at all.

It is a French menu, where the phrase “Sega swing” appears. Looks like some sort of fancy pudding.

Brave moustache-wearing Dmitry is project leader/lead programmer for Excalibur, developer of PC game Requital. We haven’t heard of either of them, but young buck Dmitry is certainly making waves on the developer facial hair scene with this fantastic attempt.

Not quite as tidy as Patrice’s amazing beard but it’s clearly a work in progress, and it would be wrong of us to judge Dmitry’s growth at this early preview stage.

This update is a warning that a very disgraceful YouTube video is doing the rounds. If you see a video like the one below, do not watch it. It is little more than sick, perverted, sexist nonsense.

We have emailed Sony for clarification regarding if she is or isn’t wearing any pants.

GamesIndustry’s Ellie Gibson recently interviewed legendary ex-SEGA musician Richard Jacques, so we thought it’d be good to speak to Ellie about her experience with Richard. What was he like? How did the conversation flow? Did he smell of Lynx shower gel and was he recently shaved? These questions – and more! – answered below.

When and where did you meet Richard Jacques?

My interview with Richard Jacques was actually over the phone. But I did meet him last week at the Develop conference, when I stood outside the Metropole having a cigarette instead of attending the session on Practical Multi-Threading for Game Performance.

How long did you spend with Richard Jacques?

On the phone, about 15 minutes. In person, about 12 minutes. Richard Jacques stayed talking to me even after I had finished my cigarette, so I expect he fancies me.

Did the time fly or drag?

It flew. I probably only spent 12 minutes standing with Richard Jacques outside the Metropole, but it felt more like just under half an hour.

Was the conversation free flowing and fun, or did it occasionally feel awkward and forced?

It was free flowing and fun, just like most of the music of Richard Jacques.

How do you have a conversation with someone? Whenever we try it ends after about three goes, with us sitting there in silence just thinking “THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY, THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY”.

Try taking up smoking. Then you will always have something to say i.e. about how you were going to give up when the ban came in but you haven’t got round to it yet but you will and it is a good thing for the staff in the bars and you do get to socialise outside more ha ha but it would be better if the weather wasn’t so changeable. This always works well as long as no one mentions cancer.

Did you ask any questions he refused to answer?

No.

What was he wearing?

On the phone, I don’t know; while we spoke I imagined him in a purple velvet jacket with a ruffled shirt and Mozart hair. In person, he was wearing jeans and a shirt that said RICHARD JACQUES on it, and was bald.

Did he appear to be in good physical shape underneath?

Richard Jacques is a fine figure of a man.

What does his skin look like up-close? Were there any blemishes or marks?

I do not remember much about his skin, sorry.

Was he recently shaved?

Yes, although I could only see his face.

Did he smell of Lynx shower gel? He looks like he’d smell of Lynx shower gel.

I have avoided men who use Lynx shower gel since 1998 so I have almost forgotten what it smells like, but I don’t think so.

Did he mention SEGA at all, or has he ‘moved on’?

Richard Jacques did not mention SEGA. Sorry.

Did you ascertain his marital status?

No. There was no “Mrs Jacques” in the immediate vicinity though.

Where was he going after, and what was he doing later?

He was going back to the audio track at the Develop conference. Later on he was probably going to compose some music or something I expect.

Will you be keeping in touch?

Probably not after this.

Thanks Ellie! Thanks for the marginal insight into the life and workings of celebrity musician Richard Jacques. If you’ve had a cigarette near someone a bit famous, please email in and tell us all about it.