UK:Resistance reports today that UK:Resistance has featured a news piece slagging off weblogs that only report news featured on other weblogs. The story goes on to say that this is an incredibly pointless and futile development in the world of internet “news”, adding in capital letters that the practise is “STUPID AND BEWILDERING”.

The article in question, reproduced without permission.

…and she’s been trained by the top stars of the Japanese porn industry, if her face if the related publicity photos are anything to go by.

This is not so much a news post as a warning that in the coming week you might see us posting stuff like this for no apparent reason. We won’t even be making smutty jokes about it to prove how big and grown up we are. It’s true, we can go to the toilet by ourselves and everything.

Specifically, with this picture.

It can’t hurt to try. If we get a few grand out of the GTA San Andreas “class action” we can all quit work, buy wireless laptops and do this every day as our “main job” from bed. Imagine that!

This is Lawyers And Settlements, a site specifically for people who want to sue money out of other people by pretending to be upset by everyday things like games, smoking, working and tripping over.

This is what they say about GTA: San Andreas being released with rubbish sex bits and the wrong age rating on it:

“If you feel this improper rating has negatively effected your or your child’s well being, you may qualify for damages or remedies that may be awarded in a possible lawsuit. Please fill out the form below and we will have a lawyer review your Grand Theft Auto complaint.”

These people are happy because they’ve sued people, and now own wireless laptops and just go on the internet from in bed as their “main jobs”. This could be us. We’ve already signed up, saying we were “horrified” and had “nightmares” about black and Asian people coming to shoot us and rape us and steal our bicycles after playing San Andreas. Fingers crossed!

Congratulations to Tyrone D. McMillian (33) of New York, for proving last month why Playstation owners should never be allowed outdoors without supervision.

While he was driving a pair of little girls to cheerleading practice, the police attempted to flag him down for a parole violation. His reaction was to ditch the hoes and lead the filth on a high speed chase through eight towns, ending when he rammed a police car.

He later told the police he was convinced it would work, because “I’ve been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto lately.”

Hot wet action! She’s amazing. Who wouldn’t? We wouldn’t wouldn’t! It’s great deciding to like Tomb Raider again. We can’t wait for it to come out and for Flickr to get flooded with photos of average-looking, 34-year-old brunette housewives dressed like Lara Croft and trying to look sexy in the hope that they’re still good enough to get spotted by a modelling agency.

This image repairs two percent of the damage done by Angel of Darkness. The Tomb Raider franchise goodwill score now stands at -78.

Amber York has! The ungrateful cow complained about getting some free porn bundled in with a secondhand Memory Stick she bought for PSP. We’d pay an extra fiver for that kind of service:

Her boyfriend “found 3 more small clips of a woman doing very inappropriate things downloaded as well,” Amber also said, although we suspect he might’ve put them on himself and has now been caught out and is frantically lying to dig himself out of a hole.

THE LINK TO THE PROPER NEWS ON A PROPER SITE:
Couple Finds Pornographic Surprise On Used Video Game Card

…you’ll notice we didn’t say “PMT” in case anyone thought we were talking about the buses in Hanley. Anyway, just in case you’re too busy with equally trivial things like the fact that every month another piece of the map burns down, blows up, falls over or sinks beneath the ocean just lately, here’s Super Princess Peach. Her special powers are getting irrationally angry and/or bursting into floods of tears.

Last month the games industry was making its own jokes. Now it’s making OUR jokes.

Because Eminem has joined the cast. He plays the role of “crooked cop” McVicar. He’ll be providing his own voice. We’ll be providing our own muffled sobs.

This game will sell 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 copies :(

Look, look! We can be a “Proper” games site and appeal to a diverse range of gamers, just like that other one. Today to prove we ever play anything apart from PSP games that make your head go funny, here’s our list of predictions for Metroid Pinball.

– It might be as good as Sonic Pinball Party

– It will definitely be better than Pinball Of The Dead

– It won’t be as good as Pinball Fantasies, Pinball Dreams, Devil Crash or Sonic Spinball

– It will cost money, and therefore be more expensive than downloading ROMs for Medieval Madness and Addams Family off the internet

– It won’t be exhibit A in an American rape case or smell of stale fags and WILL ACTUALLY WORK unlike a real pinball table

– [PLACEHOLDER] Probably type a joke in about Advanced Pinball Simulator here too later

WHAT WE’D RATHER SEE INSTEAD

Metroid Pachinko. Hundreds of Samus Arans pour in through the top of the screen and you get to keep the ones that go down her special holes. When you run out you can choose to take your tiny Samuses and either gamble them by putting them back in the machine, or a second option which makes them take all their clothes off and run around in the lower screen naked. Then you can use the DS touchpen to pour boiling water or hold a magnifying glass over them.

The two screens mean you’re twice as likely to catch a glimpse of your disgusting face reflected in the screen during dark moments.

There just isn’t a safe angle. Especially when you’re playing Nintendogs and have to keep it really close to your face so people don’t see what you’re doing and think you’re gay.