The Perfect Dark heroine has been disgracefully airbrushed for her cover role in men’s magazine FHM, bearing little or no resemblance to her real-life self.

This is a SHAMEFUL manipulation of the truth, and sends out the wrong message to female gamers:

(Left) Airbrushed Joanna Dark in FHM photoshoot and (right) Joanna as she appears in the Xbox 360 game. It’s a shameful use of Photoshop to enhance her fading looks.

You could wonder if Joanna Dark’s fantastic finger nails get broken and dirty throughout the course of Perfect Dark Zero on Xbox 360!

We could then counter by saying you’re RUBBISH GIRLS who won’t get off the first level to find out! Hilarity will ensue!! Then both our bands of followers will start slagging each other off all over the internet, and we’ll win this particular war because our followers fight dirtier than the Japanese in WWII.

Jesus Christ! Loads of stuff happened overnight! Some of which was even a bit new and interesting!

Go to IGN or somewhere to read all about it!!!

PS:
If anyone’s got any good stories of drunken shame/near death from X05, please email them in. They’re always fun.

Does everyone else know this already? Has this been on Engadget and IGN for the last six months and we’ve just not been paying attention? If so ignore this, if not… WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!!

Thanks to “Ensign Ideon” for the photo (more coming soon):

This is a photo from TGS. So it’s probably only for Japan. The right one is the “big one” the left one is the “smaller one” without the numeric keypad. It’s that sort of analysis that has made us the UK’s top video game journalists.

Nothing has happened yet! Stay tuned for the latest news!

EA announcing NBA games doesn’t count.

Where Do Babies Come From is out in about a quarter of an hour, so now seems as good a time as any to justify why we’re going to buy it if we haven’t spent the money on Chateaux d’Spar ’05.

Project Rub was a difficult one for us. On the one hand it was about impressing a woman by drawing giant Sonics and Sega logos on the side of a building. On the other hand it was a wacky Japanese dating-based minigame collection, so in other words it was like Sakura Wars but without any gameplay, carnage or airbrushed nudity.

Just when you thought things were hopeless, though, the game redeemed itself with a scene called “Seeker.” To precis, having saved the girl from scorpions, kidnappings and sharks she then drops all her shit in the sand. You have to find the exact items she dropped in TEN SECONDS FLAT or she gets angry, blames you and dumps you. We don’t know WHAT happened last time Yuji Naka went dating, but he could clearly teach us a thing or two about bitterness.

“I want my nail varnish. No, MY EXACT NAIL VARNISH. Does that even LOOK like my nail varnish? Don’t think I don’t know that you planned this whole thing. You’re STILL trying to get back at me for taping over the Ashes, aren’t you? Mum was right about you, you bloody mummy’s boy.”

We can’t wait to see how the new Rub game can top this. Our money is on a subgame set in a hot room where you use the stylus to open or close the window, and she tuts if you open it and tuts if you don’t open it.

So there’s us saying “YOUR MAGAZINE IS SHIT” to that new Xbox 360 Magazine in front of everyone like we’re hard Latino gang-bangers off our heads on ketamine, only for them to “retaliate” by putting us *IN* issue 2 and saying we’re, like, great or something, specifically because we said they’re shit.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO DO TO START A WAR THESE DAYS?

RESPECT BONUS +100!

We like them now. And we’ll happily take them up on their offer of freelance work should our good job on a good magazine ever come to an end and we need something to fall back and quite a way down on.

PS:
You should get a web site, then we can do this every day instead of once every four-to-six weeks.

It’s just no fun when the Japanese stop even trying to pretend any more. Here’s Londonian Gothics: Maze Lolitas, in which the player moves a little girl through dungeons looking for kinky dresses and accessories in which to dress her up. She’s fifteen too, so we can’t even do the “…Your Honour!” gag.

POLL: HOW SHOULD UK:R CELEBRATE THE RELEASE OF MAZE LOLITAS FOR DS?

1) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
2) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
3) Send Rebekah Wade two copies

WipEout was sort of all right for a bit.

EyeToy was fun cos it also worked as a PC webcam.

The ‘Bits Babe’ is BACK ON TV! That is, assuming Sky Channel 166 counts as being on TV. It’s at least a step up from selling DVDs of yourself naked on the internet, anyway.

Greetings once again Bouff fans!

At long last we can confirm that Emily is now defintely back on the telly and can currently be seen regularly presenting a quiz programme on Sky Channel 166! We’re currently putting together a small gallery of images but in the meantime here’s one to whet your appetite!

Emily has recently been away touring Thailand which is why there hasn’t been much news from Bouff.tv recently. But she’s back now and is back on the box which is great news for all you lucky SKY viewers outTHERE!!

http://www.bouff.tv/newsletter.php